Hi. Sorry. I left you hanging yesterday. It was a long day and I didn’t have the headspace to put everything floating around my brain on paper. Did my mansplaining post resonate with you or did you feel a little salty reading it? I get it either way. In truth, when I was researching mansplaining a bit, as you know I’m apt to do, I found arguments on both sides of the fence. In short, there were people who were proclaiming the label as some liberal, overreaction to normal behavior. I could go on for days here, but all I’ll say is maybe that’s part of the problem?!
Do I think that we’ve gone too far in the other direction lately? I do. On all sides. I think everyone seems to be standing in their respective corners and screaming. I think we can find a more reasonable middle ground. I think we can agree to disagree on matters. I think we can have a sense of humor. I think we can separate the bigger issues from the smaller ones. I think we can learn to compromise (gasp). I also think that there are fundamental problems that need to be looked at with a microscope if we have any chance of crawling out of all of this living business as intact, happy individuals.
Do I think mansplaining is ruining people’s lives? No. Maybe. I think it’s sexist as shit. I think its evidence of systemic and pervasive sexism. I think we can do better.
Maybe you are shaking your head right now because you can’t understand why such a big deal would be made out of the situation I described in my last post. Maybe you don’t understand why mansplaining is such a big deal. You’ve experienced it and it was an annoying situation but nothing so earth shattering that you feel compelled to crawl atop your soapbox and set the wrong, right. I do. Why? Well, I think maybe it’s important for us to examine why this concept would rankle me so much, besides the obvious (which is that it’s clearly rude).
I’m going to limit my discussion to work for a moment because I think it will be a more productive example. There is a TON that I don’t know in my professional world. If I told you that I learn something new literally every single day, I wouldn’t be lying. The idea that I wouldn’t know something and I could learn that thing from a co-worker, and a male one at that, is entirely welcome and “normal”. The fact that I’m presumed to not understand something or that my lack of understanding is somehow more profound than my male co-workers is spine tingling.
Could I just be cool about it? Sure. I could brush it off. I do, often. But lately, I’ve been trying to figure out why I am so chill about it. Fear. I’m terrified. All my bravado and nonsense and I’m afraid to look at these folks in the face and say REALLY?! The truth is, it doesn’t matter whether I know something or I don’t. It’s the assumption that is so devastating. It’s the condescending delivery. Why can’t I stand up to that?
I’m not going to share anything novel at this juncture, but I still think it needs to be said. Maybe just for my own sake. This is where things need to start to shift. We cannot expect to move mountains and make changes if we continue to allow this kind of nonsense to go on. This isn’t about wearing a certain color clothing or sticking on a pin or using a hashtag. This is about figuring out how every day humans can find a true place of equity in the world. In the workplace. In their relationships. This is about finding the courage to do something about it.
I watched Sex/Life on Netflix. Have you? It’s awful. Truly. It’s just abysmal. Smut. Soft porn. Acting that is nothing short of cringey. You know what I like though? The exploration of women and sexuality. The notion that a woman is still…in 2021…considered slutty or wild if she’s wanting. Desire and lust and excitement are things that are only reserved for certain kinds of women, and not the kind you want to ‘bring home’.
We are slowly accepting (we being the proverbial, societal ‘we’) that women want to get married later in life and maybe don’t want kids and maybe want a career. Maybe, maybe. There is a reluctant kind of acceptance, which ultimately is kind of silly. It’s like aggressive resistance to a tidal wave. You can fight it, but it’s still coming at you, and you’re still getting knocked on your ass, so best not waste your time. And yet, there’s still the pause. There is still some feeling lingering in the air, like this is a trend, something fleeting and foolish.
I am single. I don’t think it’s the state I always want to be in, but maybe it is. I’m in the process of figuring that out. I don’t have kids and likely won’t have kids. What I wanted as a younger person is sort of moot here. That should be okay. Just like it’s okay to be a stay-at-home mom or dad. Just like it’s okay for a married man with kids to work 70 hours a week and not see his family. Everyone gets to choose their path and I’m seriously perplexed why it’s still a general topic of discussion.
What is my rambling, crazy point? We still have all of these boxes that we put people into, and those cute little boxes is what feeds the animal that is mansplaining and sexual harassment and discrimination and generally shitty behavior. Tough women are still bitches where tough men are well, tough. Women who like sex are sluts and men who like sex are, well, bros. Women who are still single at the ripe age of 40 (ahem) are damaged and broken and men are well, 40.
There are shitty women. I mean I know quite a few. Mean, yucky women. This post is not an ode to all women. It’s a call to something better than THIS. We can do better.
I know this feels very rah, rah and maybe a little duh and then also, sort of overdone. But it’s not. Not really. This shit still goes on. I have to deal with it, maybe you have to deal with it. So, it’s not done yet. Not even close.
Okay. Talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 