Hey there. Happy Monday. I was going to write about something in particular today and then I did a complete about face. There was something that was irking me, has been bothering me, and I feel like I need to get it down on paper. Is that still the expression when one types? Sure, right?
Okay, so I realized that when people tell me certain stories or complain to me, I feel the need to offer suggestions or advice (often unsolicited). I’ve talked about that particular phenomenon before and I’ve even discussed the work that one can do to move away from connecting to other people’s shit. I guess what I realized recently is that outside of the other reasons I’ve offered up in the past, there is a very selfish part of me that is triggered in such situations.
What do I mean by that? Well, I consider myself to be an empathetic person. Also, and this isn’t too difficult for me to admit, I’m highly sensitive and emotional. So, when I engage with a few different folks and every single one of those interactions seems to be negative and gloomy, it tends to pull me in and drag me down. Which is to say that I have difficulty separating my feelings and emotions from those that are being shared with me.
I know this sounds hokey and nonsensical but it’s true. Trust me, I’m not some sunshiny, super positive person. I like to think that I generally run in neutral. Sure, when I’ve been through tough times, I’ve found myself sinking into despair, but when we are talking about every day feelings and sentiments, I usually find that I’m somewhere in the middle of it all. I’m not super positive and I’m not super negative. I just take each moment as it rolls my way. Yet, when I’ve interacted with many folks who are feeling poopy, I find myself thinking the same way. I absorb their outlook through some sort of bizarre osmosis.
You know how I know I am creating these shitty feelings rather than them being pulled out of me? Because I can’t put my finger on what exactly is making me feel that way. I feel a bit upside down and things just seem gray and I drag ass.
Listen, there are always things to be negative about. I could sit around and lament my single status or my stagnation at work or 1,000 other things. I could. Generally speaking, though, I’m not miserable about those facts. That doesn’t mean I don’t desire change, but rather, that with an eye to things remaining the same, I’m not despondent. Put me in a room with someone who is feeling lonely and sad, and suddenly my outlook is less rosy. I have difficulty seeing the silver lining. Everything seems to be an indication of a storm rolling in.
After chastising myself, which was a very counterproductive exercise (I might add), I asked myself whether I had the ability to listen without offering unsolicited advice or taking on other’s negative perspective. The first response that came to mind was I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m capable. I’d love to be, but just because we want something to be so, doesn’t make it so.
I decided that I would begin at the beginning. Novel right? Which is to say that I needed to explore what about their negativity was really getting to me. Well, three friends of mine were feeling less than pumped about the future, for three totally different reasons. Put otherwise, each of these folks were living in a bleak future. They had each decided for very different reasons that what was likely to happen in the future was going to make them miserable.
They were not speaking to what was happening at present, but rather, what they predicted might happen. And not only did they make that prediction, but they decided to have an emotional reaction in the present related to what they see the future holding for them. When I write that out, the reality blows my mind. I constantly wonder what my future holds. I know that all the things I had envisioned or imagined ended up as smoke in the wind, so I don’t usually bother. This does NOT mean that I don’t look forward or hope. This just means that I’ve been thrown so many curve balls that I like to react and recover once I see what is lain out in front of me, and not a second before.
The second thought I had was to try and point out to these folks that they were being super negative. My intention wasn’t to pick on them or to criticize but I suppose I was wondering out loud whether they were conscious of their behavior or whether it was something that sort of organically existed. Well, the reactions were all completely different. One friend acknowledged the negativity but justified the feeling, pointing to experiences that support that notion. The other friend was surprised and while some amount of negativity was conceded to, also strongly professed positivity. The idea that he was being negative seemed more disturbing to him than the reality of the negativity, if that makes sense. The third friend expressly denied being negative and rather, labeled the behavior as ‘realistic’. At the end of the day, and discussion, nothing was going to change for these folks. They were married to the concept that their respective futures were something to stress and cry over, and that was that.
What did that show me? Well, for one, talking through the negativity was a one-way ticket to nowhereville. I couldn’t change them (big shock, right?) so I had to change myself. The question then became could I morph myself into someone who listens dispassionately or did I have to find a way to share that I couldn’t listen? The answer I found when I did some soul searching was that I needed to be somewhere in the middle. When I discovered that I was getting sucked in (and down) by negative sentiments, I needed to take a time out for myself. I also needed to be able to train my heart and brain to listen without taking on other people’s shit. This is way easier said than done, but I know I don’t have a choice. The truth is that listening to everything and absorbing all the dark energy takes too much of a toll. I find myself exhausted and fed up with people. I don’t want to blow everyone off and just roll solo, so I have no choice but to change. The good news is that I’m become a pro at change. A regular goddamn professional.
We’ll get to the change plan tomorrow. Just setting the stage.
x
L.
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