Hey. I’m sorry. I ended yesterday’s post with some cliff hanger like I was going to solve the problem of negative energy absorption today. I’m not. Not because I don’t want to, but because there isn’t really a one-size-fits-all solution.
I thought that maybe I could be really painfully honest about how I’ve been tackling this issue lately and maybe that sentiment would resonate with you on some level. The brutal truth is that sometimes I set my mind to do something and then the doing is so painful that I revert back to the place of different pain to avoid the new torture. Did you follow that at all or was I too convoluted?
Let me break it down into smaller, more understandable parts. Let’s say a friend has been super, duper negative around me lately. More so than usual. Or perhaps I’m just feeling a bit more vulnerable for any one of one thousand reasons. So, I decide that it is in my best interest to take a little step back. NOT write that person off or make any dramatic proclamations. Just a teeny tiny baby step back. Easy peasy, right? Nope. Not for me. I am instantly flooded with a variety of emotions. Fear, sadness, guilt.
I am afraid that the teeny step back translates into a forever goodbye or that someone will just be pissed at me. I question who the fuck I am to make such a decision. These are really the thoughts that fly through my brain. And then I tell myself that I can handle shit a lot better than I think and I immediately change my mind. Vicious cycle. Useless. Counterproductive. Yet, I find myself on this senseless merry-go-round again and again.
The first thing I’ve done lately is tell myself that there is no shame in needing a break. It is just that, a break. A small breath of air where I can regroup and sort out how I feel about something. I tell myself that the breath of air shouldn’t mean anything more than that and if it ends up being more than that, I can reserve the right to reconsider the relationship. What that means is if any relationship is so fragile that it is torn apart by the non-existent pressure or presence of reasonableness, then maybe it isn’t meant to be. Or perhaps it is, but you will have to sacrifice other relationships to make it work. This too is an easier concept to talk about than face, but it’s critical to growth.
The easiest way for me to describe what I mean is to compare the sentiment to plants. Ironic, as I’m not exactly a green thumb, but my parents are and so I have loads of experience observing such nurturing behavior. The most successful kind of plants (or flowers) are those that are robust. That’s not to say that the more delicate ones don’t thrive, but their survival is fairly dependent on the kindness and attention of others. You can have a more high-maintenance relationship. That is entirely your decision to make, but recognize that you will likely forever be peeking in on it to make sure it is just right. You will constantly do a double check to make sure it has enough sunlight and water. You will relentlessly trim and prune. That’s just the way it works. What I’m saying is that it takes a lot of energy. You will have to devote a lot of energy and when you do, there won’t be energy for other plants and flowers. You will have to pick and choose.
I’ve done a little of that. I’ve asked myself what I want my garden to look like. I’ve looked at some relationships that terrify me or make me feel more ‘yuck’ than good, and I’ve decided to press pause or move away altogether. I’ve given myself space to reevaluate and reconsider my relationships. I don’t call myself weak. I recognize that this is an exercise in self-preservation.
I’ve also told myself that acknowledging that someone or their energy aren’t great for me isn’t arrogant. I can acknowledge that I am struggling with vibes someone is putting out there without criticizing them in any way. I don’t think I am better than them. In fact, my difficulty in separating from their energy is usually because I’m struggling too. I’m managing to keep it together and I’m working to keep myself positive, but the slightest provocation can be incredibly impactful. I get to say (as do you) that I can’t handle listening to too much negativity because it makes me feel gloomy and I don’t feel like being pulled down.
I’ve actually had to learn what it feels like when I’m not reacting well to someone or something else. I disconnected from my intuition for a while because I was convinced that it was broken. I made some pretty terrible decisions that hurt me and I decided that I was incapable of making a good choice and thus, best to just shut down. Wrong. So, I had to retrain myself. I had to remember what it felt like to connect with my true feelings and not what I wanted to feel. I had to stop saying I was fine all the damn time. I wasn’t. Sometimes I was, but then sometimes I wasn’t, and that’s okay.
What’s amazing about this exercise is that once we get it down, the application is staggering. Once we understand how others’ energy impacts us and what feels good versus what does not, we can make better and quicker decisions about our relationships and the people we share our lives with on the regular.
I was just going to tell you that I know people who ignore those feelings and decide that the relationship itself is more important than the way it makes us feel. That’s true, but if I’m getting super real, that used to be me. I thought every single relationship was about a bigger picture that may not be evident but was innately part of the connection. I learned the hard way that isn’t true. Sometimes people make us feel shitty and that is way bigger than the thought of having a significant other or a best friend or a work buddy.
More soon…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 