I had ideas about what I wanted to chat about today and then I was on a call and suddenly, I couldn’t think of anything else I wanted to write about more than what I want to talk about today. I want to be mindful here so I’m going to tread extremely lightly. Not with my opinion, mind you, but with the context. I don’t want to reveal the parties involved or any specifics about the conversation. The good news is that I think there is loads of material to work with either way.
I’m going to oversimplify for the purpose of making a point. The discussion was about how someone could do good things in the world. In case you are wondering, it did not kick off with an outpouring of brilliant ideas. Nah. We were backing into ideas with the end goal in mind. Publicity. Acclaim. Recognition. Here’s the thing, that wasn’t the offensive part. Not at all. You know what bit lit me up? The lies. The outright, unabashed lying. The claims that we were somehow already on our way to angel wings but we just needed a little brushing up, dusting off, and improvement.
That really fucking kills me. I mean really. I cannot seem to get out of my own way when it comes to that level of fuckery. I mean everyone lies. Fibs. Stretches the truth. I’ve talked about this before. The more someone professes to be the most honest human in the world, the more you should come to realize that they are truly not that, on any level.
I’ve learned lessons from my own mistruths and I try to live a more honest life today. That doesn’t mean I’m always honest. I am scared sometimes. There are times that I want to protect someone (this is misguided, of course, because my withholding ends up hurting far more). There are times I’ve backed myself into a corner and I am at a loss when it comes to digging out. But, I try. I make a concerted effort and that was something that I never ever did. You know why? Because I learned two valuable lessons as follows: (i) when we lie we often cause far more harm than we think the truth will cause and (ii) when we can’t admit that we are dishonest, then we are sunk.
That last one is particularly compelling. That is what pissed me off during the conversation that I had, the unwillingness to be real. The rigid loyalty and adherence to something entirely nonsensical. The fact that it was more comfortable for folks to collectively own a load of horseshit than own up to the truth was sadly not unexpected, but it was disappointing and if I’m really honest, enraging. I felt pissed off. Like, can’t we do better than this?
I just said it, but I think it bears repeating- even this close to the original thought. I am not condemning anyone for a failure to be honest. It is innately within us to turn facts that so that it suits our narrative or an intended outcome. I am frustrated that we can’t seem to do better. I’m annoyed that we are unwilling to take a step back and give a little curt laugh and say, let’s do this thing over. Let’s own our shit and go from there. Let’s see what that dose of reality looks like.
I think we exist in a mostly fraudulent society. No, I didn’t misspeak or mistype. I think we are mostly full of shit. I think we spend a lot of time curating a life (in real time and on social media) that is meant for other people’s perusal and judgment. I think we spend far less time digging into that self-space to figure out who we really are and what we really want and what we really stand for and what really makes us happy. Also, I think we spend very little time acknowledging what makes us sad. This is part of the status quo paradigm. The I’m fine brigade.
I’m here to tell you that I think we can do better. The good news is that I’m not some brutal honesty pusher. I’m not asking you to be the arbiter or gauge of truth and piety in this world. I’m asking you to step back from yourself and inquire as to whether you believe everything that’s coming out of your mouth. Do you? When you tell yourself something, does it resonate in a profound and meaningful way?
You know what I’m talking about, right? I have friends that tell me that they deserve better than a relationship that they are in but then they stick like glue and worse, they do nothing to change anything within the four walls of the interaction with their partner or spouse (been there, done that). I have friends who tell me that they believe themselves to be invaluable at work but then they are toppled when their worth is challenged (hand raised here folks).
I’ve addressed this topic several times in myriad ways and perhaps you’re getting tired of it. Well then, change damn it. I don’t see anyone making a shift. I smell fear and sense bullshit and it is quite frankly exhausting. Just fucking try. Of course, it’s hard. Everything worth anything in life is challenging. Here are a few things you can do today:
- Stop using example stories and just address the person directly (aka don’t fucking tell me what a friend of yours did once);
- Stop saying you don’t care, when you clearly care very much;
- Stop pretending to agree with someone when you don’t just to garner approval (once day you will meet a crossroads and then shit is really going to implode);
- Stop thinking that someone else’s actions are a direct reflection of who you are and what value you hold as a human in the world;
- Start acknowledging that your needs are important simply because they are yours and yours alone;
- Start understanding that there is a vast difference between compromise and folding;
- Start recognizing that everyone is just trying to put their best foot forward, but what you see is only a fraction of what’s really there; and,
- As per usual, start giving yourself grace when you fuck up. But also, don’t recommit to a lie to save yourself discomfort. If you recognize that it’s there, just sit with it for a hot minute and see where things go. Let yourself explore.
Okay, I’m done ranting. More soon.
Have a beautiful, mostly honest rest of your day.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 