Hiya. So, I clearly got all fired up about the topic of lying yesterday such that I had no ability to focus on my original idea. Now I’m calmer and it seems the perfect time to dive right in. I gave you a little hint though. You probably didn’t realize it, because I barely recognized the mention until I was IN it. Rather than continuing to drag out this “reveal”, I’m just going to dive right in. I recently had an experience where someone was extraordinarily passive aggressive in their approach to conveying something to me. I’m sure that even if you don’t remember where I sprinkled that tidbit into yesterday’s post (it may not be evident just yet), but maybe you understand that passive aggressive behavior is kind of a lie in itself.
WHAT?!
Yes.
The Mayo Clinic defines or describes passive-aggressive behavior as “a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does” (Passive-aggressive behavior: What are the red flags? – Mayo Clinic). I like to say that someone using passive aggressive expression is hoping you are a stellar mind reader. They are hoping that you pick up on their not-so-subtle hints and actions to understand the point they are trying to make. It’s a fucking mine field and also, a horrific form of communicating anything of merit.
I know several folks professionally and personally who are passive aggressive as fuck and it irks me to no end. I have many flaws but I’m pretty direct and so, the underhanded kind of conveyance I’m referring to just burns me. Lights me up. I want to give you a specific example so we are on the same page, as I always do. A friend of mine was recently talking about people who do this thing (I’m not going to describe the specific thing to protect the not so innocent). Anyway, I got the feeling, the very strong inkling, that this person, who is supposedly a friend, was trying to convey this sentiment to me. As you might imagine, their feelings towards this majestic person or fantastical people, were, well, super negative. Extra, if you will.
I felt hurt but also, frustrated. My irritation was based on a few different points. First of all, without a direct approach, I had little room to have a meaningful conversation with this person about the issue. I did start to talk a little about these other people that were mentioned, but it became a weird circular, unhelpful, third-party reference. It felt like we were acting in a play. We were having a full conversation about imaginary people and I was pretending that it had nothing to do with me and she was sort of doing the same. Blech.
Also, I felt this almost juvenile need to say “if you have some judgment of me to pass, why don’t you just say it to my face?!” The fact that this underhanded approach was being used made me question the very foundation of our friendship. If we were really as close as I thought, wouldn’t she just be able to express her views OF ME to my face?
Here’s the third bit, and it is perhaps the most profound piece of information: if she really feels that way about me, are we really friends? Friends can certainly have differences of opinion. They can journey down different paths and see the world through differing lenses. In fact, I love that I have friends where we can debate issues and share perspectives. However, if something I’m doing fundamentally leads a so-called friend to question who I am as a human, are we really friends? Doesn’t that view undermine the very notion that knowing me negates that particular view? Meaning, if she knows me to be a good and kind and generous person (as an example), and she runs into behavior or action or words that seem to contradict that notion, wouldn’t a steadfast loyalty to who she knows me to be support the sentiment that there are facts that aren’t connecting properly?
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve talked about disclaimer friends before and I firmly subscribe to that concept. We have people in our lives that don’t make sense to others but perfectly fit us in a way that we don’t feel the need to explain, but also, we do. We disclaimer. We love that person or those persons, but we can also see why other people who not love them. Don’t tell me that you don’t have at least one human in your life who qualifies. I know you do. Maybe a family member or a childhood friend? Maybe someone you met in college? There’s definitely SOMEONE.
Anyway, this is different than a disclaimer friend. This isn’t a character trait or personality situation to be overlooked. Nope. This is when someone thinks you to be a shitty person (or you feel that way). How do you reconcile that feeling against the thought of a continuation of friendship or relationship? I mean that question earnestly. I don’t understand the concept. In fact, I was desperate to ask that very question. I wanted to look at her and say “if you really think I am that shitty, why do you want to be friends with me?” I couldn’t though. You know why? Because I was too busy engaging in the passive aggressive interplay that she had kicked off.
I mean, I suppose I could have taken us in another direction but that was wholly unlikely. I am not super confrontational and if I’m brutally honest, I was afraid where the discussion would lead. I’m hoping you are right now scratching your head to ask yourself what the fuck that means. Isn’t that contrary to every single thing that I promote and “push” and yammer about here? Yes. 100%. But, alas, I’m human. I’ve never lied about that. I fuck things up and do the wrong thing and regret my actions. I also reconsider them and figure out how I can shift things in a better direction next time around.
I’m not really sure what I’m going to do yet. I missed out on the opportunity to really carpe when we were having the conversation. Now my questioning would be after the fact and somewhat misplaced. Many times, the kinds of conversations I’m referring to are best had when the topic is hot off the presses. Giving things too much time to cool means everything has gone stale. You look bitter and begrudging. So, I’ve decided to sit on this for now. I don’t mean harbor it. I don’t mean fester. I mean muster up my courage. I have a strong inclination that I haven’t heard the last of this and I’m prepared for next time. I’m prepared the question the judgment and if need be, our friendship. That’s what happens sometimes. Sometimes we just have to be willing to lose it all to find ourselves. That’s the goddamn truth.
Do me a favor. Try and be upfront with people. Tell them how you really feel and demand the same in return. I know, huge, but I’m asking it anyway. No time like the present.
Chat soon.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 