I had to address a source of frustration with a colleague. I’ve already run the scenario by a removed third party (actually one that leans towards this person, so a bias in their favor) to make sure I’m staying on the straight and narrow. I like to think that I can tackle things on my own but I also think there is real value in checking yourself from time to time. I can admit that I’m a sensitive and emotional person, so that checkpoint ensures that I’m thinking clearly instead of leading with my very initial gut reaction. It’s a necessary pause, so to speak.
Anyway, I double-checked that I was seeing things on the up and up and then I sat down to figure out how I wanted to approach the situation. I can tell you assuredly that the first feeling I experienced was massive anxiety. I didn’t want to come on too strong or appear too opinionated or too emotional or just too much. I wanted my points to be clear and concise and ultimately, well-received.
Bahaha. Did you get a hearty laugh out of that one? I did. Well, I laugh now. I haven’t been laughing. I am too busy being anxious, remember? Of course, I recalled that I have absolutely no control over anyone else. I can’t dope out how they are going to react or respond or even interpret something. If shit goes horribly awry in any discussion, the hope is that meaningful communication will right the ship. If it doesn’t, that in itself is a sign of sorts. You should be able to find common ground with people. I didn’t say equal ground or like opinions. I said common ground. You should be able to find a space where you can hear each other out and then maybe, agree to disagree. That’s the goal. However, what if you spend too much time living in what if land like I was? What then? How do you dig out of that headspace and into one that is more productive?
To start, you have acknowledge that most interactions between humans are sloppy, messy, and unpredictable. I mean sure, we know people enough to have some basic idea of how they might engage, but even that knowledge fails us from time to time. Folks do a 180 for any one of one hundred reasons. They might be having a bad day or a shitty moment or maybe they’ve decided that they want to change the way in which they converse or interact with you or the world at large. There is no way to know these things, unless you are some sort of magical mind reader, so the best option (I’ve found) is to wipe clear your expectations of what something might be or how something might go.
I’ve talked before about the things we say and how we sometimes find ourselves in a spot where we sorely regret saying those things. The regret usually comes from a place of fear or nervousness. Someone has responded in a way that you didn’t anticipate or they are being unpleasant or they are ignoring you altogether (sometimes I find this to be the worst bit). In that space where you are contemplating a tough response or the absence of one, is where the “I wish I hadn’t said anything” monster rears its ugly head.
This is not a completely separate topic from what I addressed yesterday, though it might seem that way. First of all, I beg of you not to resort to passive aggressive behavior to attempt to get your point across. Um, no. Just say what you want to say. SAY IT. Also, don’t accept a passive aggressive response to what you are saying. If someone does not directly address what you are saying through clear verbalization, do not accept poor non-verbal substitutions.
In addition, this is where the rubber meets the road in terms of growth. When we address what is bothering us in a real way and we are shut down, that truly is the time to look closely at a relationship. I know it’s easy to just blame a difference of opinion or personality, but I’m kindly asking you not to go down that road. Of course, we are all different beings. That said, there are many ways to talk about something and if someone is opting to not talk at all, that is bullshit. Pure and simple.
I was going to address the sexist bit of this which is that I was looking to approach a male colleague, which presents a whole host of other issues. The label of overly-emotional or whatever phrase or words characterize women is definitively a fear of mine. It’s not just that though, not even close. Sure, that was a factor for me, but when chatting with a FEMALE friend recently, I found myself in the same boat. Given her personality, I felt that raising what was on my mind would only lead to one of two responses: (i) a full on shut down, or (ii) a very mean-girl type of response that would make me feel terrible, despite feeling mostly comfortable with myself.
This human stuff is tough. I know, silly phrase and certainly an over-simplification, but also, true.
I feel like I’ve made incredible strides and then I find myself feeling like I did, like I do. Hesitant. Resistant. Wary. Terrified.
Why? Well, people are tough. People are mean. People are self-serving. People are judgmental. People are self-righteous. People are self-protective. People are scared and sensitive and there is no guidebook for this human thing. Everyone is just stumbling around in a dark room trying to figure out how to get out of this thing we call life intact. You have to give yourself a little grace here. But, that forgiveness and space should not include throwing in the towel. You have to keep on pushing. Keep on sorting things out. Keep on being brave. Keep on navigating relationships and figuring out who and what you should remain connected to and who and what might need to get the boot.
That letting go piece can be the toughest part of this. I touched on that yesterday and of course today, and then a bunch of days prior. We make so many excuses to stay connected to people and things that don’t serve us. I can tell you personally that I convince myself that I don’t deserve better. I tell myself that I’m too much and I ask myself who the fuck I think I am to write someone off. There’s a lot to unpack within that paradigm, but here’s a beautiful little secret: even if you are trying to sort out your self-worth and place in the world, it doesn’t make sense to attach yourself to people and things that aren’t your jam. You don’t need to take a shit all over the person or thing. You can just take a deep breath and admit that it’s not for you. That’s okay. Truly.
Talk soon.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 