Sacrilege.

I started watching ‘My Unorthodox Life’, have you? I am typically behind the times when it comes to anything hot, but I think this is a new release/development. I want to start with the obvious, which is the sentiment that the show is littered with reality tv show schmaltz. It is oozing pre-programming and staged conversations and statements for effect. That said, there is an important message buried underneath the unnatural sparkle, and one that warrants a discussion.

I don’t think I need to disclaim my general respect for differences and variety. What do I mean by that? Well, I’m tolerant when it comes to most things, such as: backgrounds, religions, sexual preferences, etc. I was raised in a home where that was the name of the game. Well, along with the idea that if you don’t have anything nice to say, zip it. When I run into some thing that I don’t understand, I try and educate myself. I falter and stumble from time to time, but I like to fully grasp a thing before I form an opinion of it. 

While we are on the topic of disclosure and education, I think it’s fair that I share that I’m Jewish but was not raised in a terribly religious household. My parents saw to it that I had a religious education, but that teaching was in the arena of Reform Judaism and there was no spoken (or silent) pressure to conform to anything. Of course, my parents seemingly liked the idea of us carrying on certain traditions, but I’d probably label those as more cultural rituals than anything else. It should be said that most Orthodox Jews would not consider me a Jew based on the scenario I just described. I’ve never been put off by this thought but it has occurred to me, if you will. 

The time I found this disparity WITHIN the religion I was raised with most evident occurred several years back. I was telling a co-worker that my mother had written a beautiful Passover Seder. She was inspired by a female-centric service she found online and thought it would be wonderful to introduce to the family, including my niece and nephew (who were nearly babies at the time). My co-worker expressed what I would describe as a combination of curiosity and a condescending and utterly false approval. You know, one of those ‘that’s cute’ type of responses. 

I felt mad and defensive and a little embarrassed. I told him that my mother had researched the kind of service she had written because she felt like Judaism, particularly in its more conservative forms, was rather terrible to women. My co-worker instantly responded with strength and well, a little venom. He argued that Orthodox Judaism revered women and to suggest otherwise was ridiculous. Blasphemy. Based on everything I knew, what was being mansplained to me seemed insane, but I didn’t have enough knowledge on the subject to really push back. I had a fully formed opinion, but one that would not necessarily stand up in the face of any real scrutiny. 

So, I did what I have been encouraged to do my entire life. I read. I read whatever I could get my hands on. I wanted to understand. Was I mistaken? Did I assume incorrectly? I am certain that my reading and research was colored by my previously formed opinions and my upbringing. That much is true. However, I am also secure in the knowledge that my assertion was solid. Of course, it is my opinion and just that, but it is valid based on the evidence I secured. 

There have been some modern interpretations of religious text that have led some (few) rabbis to proclaim various modesty practices and role assignments as unnecessary and outdated, but that is not a common or welcome opinion amongst the very religious or observant. To be fair though, there are modern Orthodox communities that “allow” women to have occupations and go sans wig or head covering. And yet, I think the important word in that sense is allow. Women are permitted to do so based upon rulings of religious leaders in their communities (predominantly men) and are still met with great resistance when it comes to the uber religious. 

I think it’s important for me to note that while I am not religious, I am a proud Jew. There are so many parts and bits of Judaism that I think are lovely and wonderful. Like Julia Haart, the star of this new juicy and salacious reality television show, I believe that the issue is not necessarily religion, but rather, fundamentalism. With that thought in mind, I looked to the full spectrum of our society’s views on and approach to women and their roles. We’ve made great strides, for sure, but we are also still very far behind where we ought to be. We still have a notable gender pay gap and rampant sexism in the workplace (particularly business). There is an unconscious bias where men are more trusted figures in certain arenas (for no real evidenced- based reasons). Despite work to move away from it, we have gendered language absolutely everywhere, an approach to roles or responsibilities that are decidedly biased towards one sex (i.e. waitress, businessman, etc.). Also, I get asked regularly if I intend to get married or have kids before it’s ‘too late’ for me to do so. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

Why am I rambling on and on about this? Well, like any other ‘ism’ or area of progress we need in our society, the best place to start is the foundation. In other words,  I think there is a great benefit to digging deep to understand where these ideas and thoughts and notions came from. It’s very challenging to shift anything without understanding its roots. You can chop away at a big ol’ tree all you want, but if it’s reach is fifteen feet deep, you might end up very sweaty and extraordinarily frustrated. 

Short version? Like many other issues, sexism is systemic. It’s buried, deep. It is supported by our political system, religious ideologies, and sadly, our education framework. I mean, did you catch the story about the Norwegian beach handball team and the fines they were assessed because of a failure to wear ass-hugging shorts? Don’t bother quoting the merits of such to me. Wasted breath. I’ve read, because I wanted to understand, and I still think it’s fucking garbage. 

What does all of this rambling amount to? Let’s start asking questions. Let’s start pushing boundaries. Let’s try and understand more. Let’s dig in and make people uncomfortable. Let’s decide not to accept things simply because we’ve always done things that way. Let’s support each other (men and women) so no one stands alone when they decide to stand up. Let’s not be hasty in our condemnation, let’s stay educated, but once you have information, let’s act accordingly. 

I shrank when I was told I had no clue. I made myself teeny tiny because I felt intimidated by the strength of conviction on the other side of the fence. Even once I felt more comfortable with what I knew, I stayed quiet. No more. It doesn’t serve me. It doesn’t serve women. It doesn’t serve humanity. I don’t think I’m a savior, but I sure as shit can do a better job at saving myself, no?

Sit on that.

Talk tomorrow. 

L.