I had two polar opposite interactions today. One incredibly positive and one fairly negative. I’m not going to focus on the latter because, I mean, it’s pretty obvious why I wouldn’t want to, no? Let’s just say that I ducked into the same old rabbit hole with someone, once again. I willingly took the bait and found myself dangling at the end of their sharp and persistent hook. ARGH. Shame on me. Okay, I said I wasn’t going to go there and I’m a woman of my word.
Let’s narrow in on the good stuff because who the fuck doesn’t want to celebrate that? I sure do.
I had a great experience with someone I’ve known for over fifteen years. Before I describe the specifics of the interaction, I would like to delve into the overarching magic of the exchange. I also want to talk about the flip side of it all. I am going get to my point, so don’t you worry.
I think, or I should say that I know, that relationships can get stale and people can grow bored. There is a certain luxury or comfort in knowing someone in a real way, but the other side of that is that there is no mystery. There are typically no surprises. What you see is what you get. When we’ve struggled with drama or lies in our relationships, that kind of status quo is unquestionably appealing, but for how long? Until the novelty wears off? Forever? What does that look like?
Once things start to feel boring or ‘same old’, do we talk ourselves into the regularity of it all or lament our routine? I think it’s a little bit of both. That’s where the concept of ‘spicing it up’ came from, no? People grow used to each other’s routines, habits, behavior, and personalities, and so to keep things interesting and retain their partner’s interest, they step outside of what is expected. You know, they throw a leg up.
They work hard to jazz up what they have because ultimately, they feel certain that they don’t want to lose it. Maybe they are a little tired or kind of over it or a lot distracted, but they know deep down that they would still always choose that thing that feels like a well-worn pair of slippers. Maybe we don’t fuck every night, but I know s/he’ll always be there, and that’s something. A part of me finds this sentiment incredibly disappointing and pretty cringeworthy, but it’s also human nature.
If I’m keeping it totally real, it’s part of the reason why I stayed so long in my shitty relationships. Those relationships were absolutely brimming with toxicity but the devil you know…
Plus, I had a routine and that was something I valued higher than nearly anything else. I didn’t imagine that things would implode at any point, because it felt like they would stay humming in neutral for so long as I let them.
That’s the darker side to that equation. The lighter or sunnier side is that the very nature of a long term and meaningful relationship is that we are able to mesh with another human in a way that is unparalleled by other life experiences. They forgive our hangry outbursts and goat cheese loathing and aversion to loud noises. We grow accustomed to their snoring and terrible taste in music and the way they lick the wine glass after they take a sip. We love their warm feet in bed and the way they make scrambled eggs and how they always ask about our day. They adore the way our hair smells faintly of vanilla and the way we fold laundry and our ability to stay calm in stressful situations. That kind of understanding and symbiosis occurs over time with people. You get each other. It works. Even when it doesn’t work, it works.
This happens in friendships too. I have friendships for many years where we don’t have to utter a full sentence to be understood and we routinely send each other links for new healthy snacks and we always share photos of our hair cut blow outs. I have long term friends where we can share endless stories of ‘back when’ and listen to each other rant and love each other without speaking the actual words (though sometimes we do that too).
This is all well and good, but what’s my point? Well, sometimes the universe delivers us a gift. An opportunity. We get the chance to step outside the cushy warmth of someone who knows us better than anyone to see them anew. I am not talking about a purposeful changing it up. I am talking about happenstance. Circumstance. Life.
I know I can be difficult to be friends with because for as much as I talk, I’m loathe to share certain things. I keep much close to the vest and prefer it that way. It’s how I’ve always been and if I’m honest, it’s also because it keeps me safe, or at least safer. I don’t trust many people as a general rule, and even when I’m with people I trust, I still curate the experience. I’m not fake. I’m just cautious.
So, with that in mind, I found myself with a good friend today. Someone who it’s easy for me to be with on every level. I think we’ve always had an ease about us, as I can’t remember a time when we didn’t mesh, but that connection has grown more profound over time, as they are apt to do. Anyway, I found myself reading one of my pieces to this friend today. I READ TO HIM. It was completely spontaneous and while I was doing it, I had a sort of out of body experience. Am I REALLY doing this? What if he hates this? Is this going to be insanely awkward?
I finished reading my piece and I looked at him and we had this, well, moment. We had the moment I was talking about just before. That moment where he saw me differently and I saw him differently and it was the best. Truly. I’m not sure he really knew it, but it was like I was giving a little piece of myself that I usually keep locked away.
The thing is, I’m fairly anonymous here. Some friends know who I am HERE, but otherwise, I’m just an author on the other side of these digital pages.
In that moment, I was a real, living breathing human and I was opening myself up. I was vulnerable and welcoming in a variety of possibilities, none of which I could control. I knew he wouldn’t outright criticize me, because he is far too polite and considerate. I thought he migjt see me differently or judge me or wonder why the fuck I was reading something to him. It was nothing like that. Instead, he was kind and expressive and interested. It was pretty fucking amazing. I’m not about to go out in the world and go on some sharing spree, but it gave me all the warm and fuzzies. It inspired me. It made me want to write more.
I’ll wrap up with a point, here.
Don’t take your regulars for granted, but also, let them surprise you sometimes. Better than that, open yourself up in a different way with your comfort zone people. Allow them to be surprised by you.
Also, being a regular isn’t enough. Not even close. More on that another time…
Talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 