I had an ex who loved baseball. While I find the sport far more appealing live, I am generally able to plug into the game when the opportunity arises. When it comes to pastimes or activities I partake in, I find that a deeper understanding (or any at all) amplifies my experience. The more ignorant I am, the more likely I am to zone out. So, at the time, I asked questions. Many, many questions.
I specifically remember asking him about curveballs. I got the basic gist that they presented a challenge to players, but didn’t completely understand why that is the case. Obviously, the first few curveballs ever thrown would have been mystifying, but once everyone understood the basic premise, wasn’t the mystery lost? The first curveball was said to have been thrown over one hundred years ago, so what’s the big fucking deal?
My ex, a dickbag in many respects, was actually the king of patient explanations when it came to anything sports related, and so he carefully considered my query before responding. After a reasonable pause, he explained that there is no real cracking of a code when it comes to the curveball. There were hitters that, over time, had mastered certain techniques to combat the curveball, but at its core, the curveball is an optical illusion and thus, there is no real “solving” for it. It is essentially the purest form of brain trickery.
If I’m completely honest, I think this explanation, though reasonable (and likely accurate), burned me because it struck a nerve. It was like someone was explaining to me that there are some ‘gotchas’ that can never be anticipated. It made me feel like I would forever be knocked on my ass by people’s behavior. Well, surprise, surprise, that’s 100% fucking true. That’s right. You heard it here first. No matter how much you GET people, you will NEVER GET PEOPLE.
I was thrown a curveball (yes, I used the expression- fuck off) at work yesterday. There were parts of my brain that knew something was going to happen, but as that ball came sailing towards me, I could swear it was going to hit right and BAM, left it was, all the way. The thing that happened is entirely irrelevant. It has no bearing on this conversation. It was just an unpleasant and unwelcome reminder of the sentiment I just shared.
Does this mean that we should never trust anyone or anything? Well sure, yes. But also, no. I’m not suggesting that you approach every situation with trepidation. I’m not recommending that you stay on high alert at all times. I suppose I’m just throwing a thought out there, whereas you don’t get married to the idea of a thing.
I’m sure this sounds terrible to you and perhaps like I’m discouraging a commitment to, well, everything. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I firmly believe that we should commit ourselves to endeavors and people and places. I also believe that we have to leave space for all the things that could happen. All of them.
The reality is that sometimes we have the ability to put up guardrails or monitoring systems in place, and other times, we only have the option of mitigating or doing damage control. That’s okay. I think the most important takeaway here is that there is great value in assessing what the possibilities are and then making a mostly reasonable decision moving forward.
When it comes to the situation that just happened, I have absolutely no control. I had no ability to prevent what happened and I have very little influence over what comes next. I’m pretty powerless all around. Except that I do have the ability to manage how I am internally impacted. Despite thoughts or feelings to the contrary, I am in a position to control my emotional response. I do have the ability to take a little space, to give myself some love, and grant myself time to sort it all out in my head.
I mean, I am super fucking anxious about the ‘what next’ bit, but I can tell myself that since I have no control over the ‘what next’, it doesn’t make a whole helluva lot of sense to stress over it. I am not being ridiculous here and suggesting that I’m going to be happy. I’m just saying that full blown panic is counterproductive and truly avoidable.
Things might [and will likely] get worse, so telling myself it’s only up from here is a lie. However, I’d be remiss if I said things would remain in the toilet bowl. The healthiest place for me to be is where I allow myself to fully accept that I have no idea what’s going to happen and that’s really okay.
People will always find a way to surprise us, for the worse and the better. We will be satisfied and disappointed. We will be happy and sad. The quicker we accept this reality, the more we get to float in a neutral space. I know that you might feel stalled in this in between space, devoid of drama. I get it. As a younger person I was that way. I actually lived in that headspace until I realized that the extremes, while exciting, were far more harmful to my psyche and sense of well-being.
I had a therapist once who told me that the best relationships, friendships, and professional connections, share one life-changing principle: a commitment made every day to that thing (whatever it is). No expectations. No assumptions. Just a reassessment and recommitment on a daily basis. When I first heard this, I was blown away. What the fuck does that really mean, and isn’t that absolutely exhausting?
It means you tell people how you feel, and what you want, and what you need, and where you want to go, and how you are impacted by all the things that occur around and to you. You reaffirm that a relationship serves you for that day, at that moment. You don’t carry that thought with you into the next day. You just let the commitment sit for that day. And you acknowledge that the next day may bring something your way that challenges that commitment. You won’t know what it means until it means something. And then, you’ll decide and go from there. Every day. Just like that. Yes, it’s hard, but yes, it’s also very necessary.
Decide what you want to jump into this weekend. Then decide again if it suits you on Monday.
Good weekend.
L.
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