According to the dictionary, charm is “the power or quality of giving delight or arousing admiration” and charisma is “compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others”. Cool. Who cares? Well, I had a fascinating conversation with a friend last night about these two concepts or personality traits. I shared that I’m not particularly enamored of either personality trait and he asked why (and was quite surprised). It’s a pretty simple analysis. I’ve always been hurt by charming or charismatic individuals, so that was my basis for such an opinion.
My friend responded by advising that he didn’t share the view that these two concepts or traits were all that similar. He advised that he believes charm puts folks at ease whereas charisma tends to have an edge, or an agenda. This point wasn’t something I wholeheartedly agree with, but I do understand it. I do see that there is a differentiation.
I think what I realized is that when a particular character trait (or flaw) has been used against us, for lack of a better phrase, we tend to become hyper-sensitive to its existence. Sorry, I’m using ‘we’ when I should be using ‘I’. I do that. I am so terrified of being conned or brutalized that I seek out anything that even mildly resembles that situation so I can avoid it like the plague.
It should be stated that first, I engage with it over and over and over again. I lay down on train tracks and allow myself to be repeatedly flattened before I yell for mercy. Thus, by the time I get to the point of trying to outline the red flag for future identification purposes, I tend to draw a very broad and all-encompassing circle. There must be no mistaking what a thing is, and a heightened sense of caution and even paranoia must be tapped into. At all times.
After I recounted the short version of how I got to this conclusion, my friend first expressed sorrow that I had such terrible experiences and then pushed his slightly opposing view, again.
I did what I am apt to do in these situations. I took a moment and considered his point of view. I tried to catalog folks that I knew who might be considered charming and have not caused me pain. I will admit to you that the list felt decidedly short at first. I also had a difficult time discerning nice from charming. Does one automatically trigger the other? Absolutely not, on any level. They are completely separate notions.
Once I allowed myself to admit that charm was okay (in smaller doses) and it was charisma that was the real killer, I had to ask myself if I had the tools to differentiate between the two in real time. What if I thought someone was charming and they ended up being charismatic and everything just exploded from there? That felt very real and logical and then seemed altogether ridiculous.
When I take a breath and think about the charming folks I know, I do think of a sense of comfort. They are the person you first meet who feels like someone you’ve known much longer. Where I’m concerned, it’s the charismatic folks that might raise the hair on the back of your neck. They are manipulators. They command a room. They express their feelings and thoughts and everything is doctrine. There is no questioning or requesting clarification. The terrifying part is that they do it in such a way where you feel good about your choice to just go with the flow.
When I write all of that out and read it, it becomes apparent to me that I could probably very easily identify charm from charisma, so why am I so concerned? Well, because it’s not so black and white. Most charismatic people I know ease into the overwhelm. They draw people in with their motivational and complimentary engagement and once folks have bought in, BAM. They are stuck. Sucker punched.
I can easily recount several scenarios where a significant other (in particular) had a big ol’ grin on their face as they were annihilating me. It had nothing to do with anything other than the power of a disarming smile. It’s like a sun shower. I’ve shared my discomfort in the face of such a weather event before, and so, it should come as no surprise that I’m using this comparison. You want to feel annoyed or grossed out by the rain, but the damn sun is out and suddenly, you are completely backwards and upside down.
I think the slow progression into any relationship certainly makes it easier to identify where someone might be transitioning to a full-on con artist, so maybe the bigger and more burning question that I’m contemplating is whether it’s possible to be connected to or interact with a charismatic person and not get sucked in. Can you stay surface level with someone that has that personality?
I might disappoint you right now, because I’m going to say, I’m not sure. I really have no idea. My first thought is no way. It’s just not possible. It’s like trying to fight an outrageous undertow at the beach. You might be a strong as fuck swimmer, but that’s not going to save you when the current is that determined. My second inclination is maybe. I’m not sure. Is there a good reason why you might remain connected to that person? Do you have to for professional purposes? Are they connected to a friend or family member where you have to play nice in the sandbox? What is it?
If there is no avoiding the tie, then maybe you have no choice. If you have no choice, tread lightly and keep your guard up. Use friends as benchmarks (you know, reach out and say- what do you think of this?). If you do have a choice, I would say run like hell. Sorry, it’s just my truth. Nothing good comes out of those connections. I have often found that charismatic people don’t actually have relationships. They have stepping stones and means to ends.
Thoughts?
Talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 