I was recently asked a question, or perhaps more accurately, provided a prompt. The statement I was meant to respond to was ‘the picture I can’t let go of.’ This was my response:
I have this picture of what my life should be and I have difficultly parting with that notion. I talk about living in the present and having an appreciation, and yet, I’m quite attached to an idea outside of right now. I imagine telling my corporate job to fuck off and it fills me with the joy of pure sunshine, one thousand spring flowers, and sixteen glasses of room temperature water.
There are no right or wrong moves when it comes to responding to a prompt, but the experience is mostly stream of consciousness. You read or hear words or a statement and you respond without intense thought or consideration. Well, that’s what I do anyway. Sometimes there is a time frame in which to respond and other times, the experience is more open-ended.
I didn’t have a particular amount of time in which to respond to this prompt, but I forced myself to respond rather quickly. I know this will come as a great shock, but I’m prone to overthinking things. When I allow myself to let go, I find that the most authentic sentiments come bubbling to the surface. Thus, I wrote a response and then sat back to consider.
Don’t focus on the corporate job bit. That was just exasperation after a tumultuous couple of days. Rather, I’d like to focus on the sentiment that we have great difficulty separating ourselves from notions of what should be. We cannot shift or adjust. Whenever friends or co-workers complain to me that their life is not what they want it to be, I will often encourage a reflection on what is real and solid. I push towards gratitude rather than a hovering over the ‘what could be, but isn’t’.
When I speak of these exercises that explore an appreciation for what is, I recognize fully that the task is far from easy. It is mind-bending and heart wrenching and incredibly difficult. I know that. I do. I don’t suggest that one takes such a path because it’s easy, but rather, because it’s hard, and I know that the hard work is what eventually gets us to good.
I know what I am going to share right now is going to be controversial. I accept that fact. To sit around and feel sad for what your life isn’t is the easy stuff. It is. The pity party or regret parade is all-inclusive and one-size-fits-all. You will never get to a point in life in which these experiences are outside your domain or accessibility. That’s just it though. The ability to feel sad about what you don’t have will always be in front of you. You will always have the opportunity to press your nose up against the glass and wonder why you can’t have what everyone else seemingly does. As I do with everyone I speak with, I am going to encourage you to hard pass on that chance when it presents itself.
Grind through the shitty, tough stuff instead. Raise your hand early to move in the direction that’s far more challenging. Where does it start? Well, the first step is NOT asking yourself what you wanted your life to be, that much I know for sure. You can do that and explore the ‘why’, but I imagine you won’t really get anywhere. So, instead, I’ll encourage you to stop mourning for something that was never slated for you. Instead, ask yourself what your life looks like based on the road you are currently taking. I’m not saying you should plot a journey that never takes you from that point, but I’m saying that you can’t make good and healthy choices about what comes next unless you first accept where you are in life.
This means looking and examining and cataloging without judgment or criticism. This is the really fucking tough part. Can you say that you are still living at home without embarrassment? Can you advise that you are single without feeling compelled to provide an explanation? Can you share that you don’t have children even though you are married or in a serious relationship (and child-rearing age) without a diatribe? Can you document your wayward career path without caveats? Can you?
It’s really tough. We are raised in a society that celebrates an existence that is relentlessly compared to others. What if that paradigm did not exist? What if you judged your life without the benefit (or detriment) of others’ surrounding you? What would that look like?
Years ago, and not that many, a woman who had reached her mid-twenties and was single would have been labeled an outcast and a hag. Useless. Today, women are waiting longer before they settle down. What if we used the standards of yesteryear to judge women today? What would that look like? For me, that thought leads me to ponder why we still endlessly compare when a very organic shift in standards renders that comparison utterly worthless at some point in the future. I don’t understand it.
That said, I’m not sure I’m looking to stage a revolution per se, but I do want to encourage whomever I can to separate from the notion that they have to subscribe to a particular lifestyle or path in life based on what has been set out in front of them.
It’s more than that though, it’s also the notion or thought process that achieving ____________ will be life changing and fix all problems. I’ve had friends tell me before that it’s not society’s expectations that make them want a particular job or relationship or friendship or living space or status. It’s something they’ve experienced before in some manner or something they’ve observed and they’ve decided that it’s something they want. Period, end of story.
I’m sorry to be so aggressive here, but I am going to push back hard against that assumption or thought patterning. Why? Well, that particular line of thinking supports the idea that if you aren’t able to achieve or get that one thing (whatever it is), your life is destined for ruin. You have no reprieve or options. Your life is mostly over and nothing matters.
NO.
There is not one path. There is not one way to achieve happiness. As humans we must be hopeful and flexible and resilient. We HAVE to get to a place where we understand that sometimes we don’t get what we think we want and we have to make a change. We have to shift. We have to be flexible. We have to consider that something else will bring us joy and satisfaction. We have to want something different. There is no way to get there unless you first let go of what hasn’t been or will be.
I am not telling you to just throw in the towel or give up on your dreams. I’m saying that sometimes we need to let go to open ourselves up to the possibility of a different life. I want to expand more on this thought, but I’m going to give it a break for now. We’ll chat again next week. Okay?
Have a great few days.
Xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 