I was speaking with my boss this morning and I half joked that I must have done something wretched in a past life. I didn’t have to clarify anything for him, as he knew I was referring to my tortured status in connection with work. I’m not complaining, per se, but let’s just say it’s been a hairy few days/weeks. Why would I say that? Well, I suppose I fell into the same trap others do when they look for a reason behind the shit that happens.
On some bizarre level, this kind of rationalization or externalization provides some modicum of comfort. In the middle of a storm raging, we’ve found calm and equanimity. Shit sucks but at least we get it. This is, of course, nonsensical. I’m not sure of my current view on past lives, but I don’t think what I did back then (before?) has anything to do with right now. I believe in karma, but what I’m talking about is a whole separate issue.
What if I just accept things as they are? Well, often when I do that, I get swept into the maelstrom of whatever insanity is plaguing me. I have an inability to separate. The question becomes: do I have the tools to ground myself without the assistance of some place to put my disquiet and unease? My most honest response would be to tell you that I’m not really sure. I’ve often not been successful in doing so, but I feel more motivated than ever to try.
I find that even though it leads to some frustration on my part, it is still easier to look out and compare myself to others around me. I examine their situations, their allowances, their self-permissions, and mourn the vast divide that exists between that line and the place where I often reside. It’s a fucking cavernous hole that would make the Grand Canyon look like a small hill. Why is this process such a go-to? Well, it triggers self-pity, and when I’m busy wallowing, I don’t have time for things like getting my shit together. In enables me to stay stuck. Forever. Or at least for a significant period of time.
As humans we are always claiming that we want to break free of the crap that binds or tethers us, but that’s not entirety true. There is a reason ‘the devil you know’ became such a popular phrase. We love to soak in the murky waters of all the things that drive us mad.
When I was a teenager, my mother used to joke around with me, asking me if I didn’t have the things that troubled me, what would be left? Would I be [gasp] happy? Could I bear such a state!? Of course, this was all said in jest, with the sole intention of busting through my hormonal mood swings, but there was a powerful message there. I think that’s the problem with so many humans. We seek turmoil and drama. We want what we can’t have or don’t really want. We push for more and bigger and better and rarely take a breath to admire status quo.
I’ve talked about this general concept so much, that this may feel very ‘same old story’ to you, but it’s not for me. I suppose because the theme keeps rearing its ugly head in so many areas of my life. You know what that means, don’t you? I’m not done yet. I’m not there yet. I have so much more work to do. I’m doing it, but it’s slow going. The good news is that whenever I’m primed to throw in the towel, the universe sends me another reminder.
I feel compelled to push my dissatisfaction outside of me. It’s a broader plan, it’s a culture, it’s the people (THOSE people), it’s my karma. Those thoughts allow me to separate myself from what is required to change. I get to sit primly in a different room and roll my eyes and get choked up and feel sorry for myself. All the time.
No longer. I’m done with that. I really, really mean it.
However, that means that I have to take responsibility in a way that perhaps I haven’t before. That is scary, but necessary. It goes without saying that I have to work within the parameters of what I am dealing with (job wise, friend wise, relationship wise) but that doesn’t mean I can’t assert myself or push back or have standards. That doesn’t mean that I can’t find joy in spaces where others find dissatisfaction. What I mean is that I don’t have to conform. When they say that comparison is the thief of joy, they know what they’re talking about. I can tell people six amazing things I’m working on and they might respond by asking me if I’m dating. I’ve omitted that point on purpose because there’s nothing to share and yet, it’s become a focal point. How dismally disappointing. Or not.
I only have to feel let down if I want to. The issues or feelings of others can be respected and not absorbed.
There might be a greater plan for me and that might include what I’m going through right now. Or maybe this is just a phase. What is crystal clear are the lessons that I’m meant to learn during this time. The thing is, I can’t really move through them in any way that is meaningful if I’m too busy thinking that it’s all a punishment. Right? If I think the universe is shitting on me because of some specific thing I did at some point in my life, then I’m not really looking for the message, but rather, looking for the quickest route out. How can I trick the system into cutting me a break? How can I pay my dues and then be free to live my life fully, without the fear of more?
So sad.
There are lessons here. Lessons I am meant to learn about how I let people treat me. There are lessons regarding the boundaries I’m meant to set. There are lessons in the kindness I’m meant to bestow, and who deserves it, and who, does not. There are lessons in who I can trust and who is not to be trusted. There are lessons in regretting those words that should have been spoken, no matter what. There are lessons that when explored, prompt growth. Soul growth. Emotional growth. Growth that takes me to the next place, karma be damned.
I’ve always admired those silly giant plastic wiggle things outside of car dealerships and new delis. I have a particular fondness when they have a face. I think it’s because I picture myself like that. Carefree. Open. Uncaring what people think. No thoughts about what the universe is doling out. No consideration paid to some past transgressions that doomed it to a lifetime of bad weather and disregard. Just taking it ALL in and shaking my ass with joy.
Imagine that.
Right?
xx
L.
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