Heyhowareyou?

Hiya. I almost asked if you missed me. How rude, no? Or maybe thirsty is the better description. I don’t even actually mean it. Or I didn’t mean it as I thought it. It’s one of those phrases that’s become fully woven into our daily language and repertoire so that we can’t really separate from it.

You know, like when someone asks how you are and then walks away before you can even answer. Some are left baffled, wondering why the fuck the question was even posed. More have already issued some other meaningless greeting themselves and think nothing of it.

Why was the question posed? Is it the same reason I almost asked if you missed me? Sure. Maybe. Yes. Yes, I believe it is.

So many of us have a raging desire to present a certain picture of who and how we are to the world. An image of someone kind and polite and accomplished and unruffled and {gasp} happy. Certain behaviors and catch phrases assist us in achieving that goal, or so we believe. Social accessories, if you will. Social pleasantries. We aggressively use language and physicality to paint a very specific portrait.

In keeping with that line of thinking, what would asking if you miss me accomplish? Well, there’s something self-effacing about that question. It shows insecurity but in a way that’s charming. Inoffensive attention-seeking tactics.

Again, I wouldn’t be thinking in that way at the time of delivery. It’s an undercurrent that lives inside of me. I feel compelled to acknowledge another brief hiatus from this space, so why not lead with controlled vulnerability? When I make that decision, some deeply contemplative part of me acknowledges that humbling myself just a little bit will eventually enable me to move on. When you lead with sorry, who actually questions you? Rarely will someone ask if you are really sorry or just apologizing for the sake of it.  

I’m not rambling, I promise, but can understand why these thoughts might feel disconnected. So, I’m going to pull things together.

We spend too much time outside ourselves. I know that sounds very much like hokey ‘breathe yourself to better’ talk, but it’s true. The greatest irony is that this external kind of living prevents us from engaging with each other in a real way and certainly, restricts our ability to get real with ourselves. This is because when I use a turn of phrase like either of the two I described already, you are likely going to respond in turn. You’ll tell me you’re ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ because it’s the quickest and seemingly most appropriate response to my drive-by query. Or, you confirm that you indeed missed me, but before you can give it enough thought to offer up an honest appraisal.

Those are just two silly examples. There are so very many. I understand the perspective that we are ultimately and overwhelmingly social creatures and that much of this behavior could be attributed to that notion. However, I disagree, sort of. I mean sure, I think we are primed for socialization, but I think if left to our own devices, we would all be a little more selective. We don’t have that luxury though, as we are matched up against folks from all walks of life, in every part of our existence.

It’s even more than that though. Even the toughest of the crowd still has that little inkling where they wonder what others are thinking and secretly hope it to be positive.

Whatever, I’m not sharing anything with you that you don’t already know, right? So, what’s the objective here? Am I just aimlessly ranting? I don’t think so.

You see, I didn’t start out the post with the intention to ask if you miss me. That occurred to me when I sat down to write, but it wasn’t where it all began. Nope. The special and quite amazing part is that it just so happened to fit perfectly with what I had been planning to talk about. Cue second story time…

I was talking to a friend and shared a bit of gossip. That is true and there’s no sense hiding the truth. My news/thought was nothing earth-shattering, just a silly thought or observation. The response I got was, well, not surprising but definitely a bit disappointing. I was shut down, chastised for my thoughtless chatter. I truly have no problem with someone sharing some constructive criticism or checking me when needed, but this was different. The person could have just chosen not to participate or presented a valid argument for not engaging, but instead I was given ‘the look’. You know which look I’m referring to, no? The ‘tsk tsk, I’m disappointed in you’ kind of look.

My immediate response was to be embarrassed, which feels like something she’d be pretty jazzed about, given her enthusiastic dressing down. Her finger waggling had led me to second-guess my words and thus, was a brilliant tactic to employ. Once I recovered from my momentary humiliation, I got pissed. Rather quickly. Like who the FUCK was she to tell me what I should do or say?  Then I moved into the rethinking part. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her? Maybe I should have phrased it differently? Maybe it would have felt different.

All of these emotional responses or contemplated actions revolve around the notion that I have to “manage” the interaction with this other human. You know that I am not talking about simple politeness or kindness. Not at all. I am talking about the dangerous and pervasive need to maintain appearances.

Is the situation hopeless? Nope. Not even close.

We just have to do something that I’ve suggested many times and I still believe is one of the most important exercises. We have to endeavor to be as authentic as possible, allow ourselves the grace to fuck up from time to time, and separate ourselves from the notion that nearly anyone is an expert in anything enough to warrant a chastising or condescending interaction. Also, let me repeat for the seven thousandth time that not everyone is going to like you anyway, so no sweat.

I’m not done here, but I’m tired and i probably need to organize my thoughts a little better. So, stay tuned…

x

L.