I feel like everywhere I look lately I see memes, artwork, and clothing boasting the phrase “I’m not interested in competing with anyone, I hope we all make it”. I fucking love that sentiment and also, it scares me. Why? Well, because there is some thought (particularly in my industry) that the space you leave in your quest for kindness is filled by someone decidedly less kind and more ambitious.
The truth is that there have been many times in my career when I’ve hurt myself by not being bold enough or strong enough or outspoken enough. I’m not entirely sure that I would have prevailed, but I don’t know that I wouldn’t have, because I didn’t try. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t busy being the nice gal, I was just too busy being scared. But, the same result is achieved.
Does that mean that we shouldn’t aspire to such goodness? No. That’s not what I’m saying. I suppose we just need to fully and wholeheartedly acknowledge that these thoughts and actions come at a cost. We need to fully understand and accept that cost. We need to take it in so that we can decide that it’s worth it. All of it.
Here’s the thing that most people know and most don’t care to articulate. Being noble can be costly in a way that most of us aren’t equipped to handle. Remember when I rambled on yesterday about not caring what people think? This is an off-shoot, and an important one at that. We can say that we don’t really give a shit, but if we don’t mean that, then the pain we feel is actually exponentially magnified.
This is something I’ve had to train myself to do and learn and live with, because it goes against the societal grain. We are taught to be humble but bold. Brave but reserved. Hard-working but with balance. All of life is essentially a contradiction, so the notion of just coming out and saying you want to do something but you fear the backlash is something that many of us would never contemplate. Moreover, we certainly wouldn’t admit that something bothers us. The crazy part about that whole bit is that talking about it actually makes it better.
Let me give you an actual example so we can understand each other better. I might feel spicy about an interaction with someone but I stand down. Why do I make that choice? Because I am attempting to preserve the relationship for something bigger. I don’t show all my cards, I don’t kiss the ring, but I take a breath and take a step back. The person gloats, just a little. It’s apparent. Also, they sort of act like an asshole. It would be easy for me to say that I don’t give a shit, but man do I ever. I am pissed. And sad. And frustrated. Oh, and annoyed. So, I tell someone who cares about me. I tell someone who I care about. I rage and cry and get it ALL out. Then I breathe, deeply, and get my game face back on.
What’s the point of all of this? Well, I guess what I’m telling you is that being human is a situation that is fraught with mixed messages and back and forth and so many obstacles and challenges. We have to learn to be flexible, but part of that flexibility is giving ourselves some grace. I don’t know many people at all that would be thrilled to know that they aren’t liked by some other person. Even if that person isn’t meaningful to them in any way, there is something about that scenario that stings. Not admitting it? That’s where the inferno happens. We light ourselves on the inside. We simmer. Then we alight and burn things to the ground when least appropriate. You know what I’m saying, right? We overreact. We react to something in a way that doesn’t serve us because we didn’t cope in any real way with the thing that warranted a reaction.
There is no weakness in admitting that things aren’t going the way you intended them to go. There is no shame in saying that things are frustrating. There is nothing wrong with endeavoring to be the bigger person and feeling horrific disappointment when the cost is nearly too much to bear. That doesn’t mean that we should all morph into shit heads. Nope. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just suggesting that the best course of action is intense self-reflection. Own your misery. Own your unhappiness. Don’t wallow in it. Don’t make it a permanent structure, but allow it to be a temporary one. Feel it all out until there is nothing left to feel.
I have several friends who act like they don’t give a shit about anything or certain things, at least. I used to challenge this notion but now I take a step back. I have compassion. Occasionally I’ll encourage the vulnerability that comes with admitting that something is bothersome, but mostly, I allow them to have their moment. You know what I do when faced with such thoughts or ideas? I remind myself that I DO give a shit. I do care. Greatly. Deeply. About a lot of things.
The beautiful part about that admission is that it allows me to compare. Compromise. Prioritize. Manage. Cope. I don’t stay stuck. I move through it all. When you deny a thing, it becomes a thorn in your side. It stays, lives. When you turn the wrong way, BAM. It gets you. Hurts so damn bad that you can’t breathe. But when you pull that thorn out, you just have a wound to attend to. You can ask yourself: how did I get hurt? What can I do to avoid that hurt next time? What protective shield can I use? How can I tend to the wound? If I scar, what does that mean? Should I leave that scar as a reminder? Should I try and make it vanish for the sake of vanity?
All the questions. All the thoughts. It’s fucking liberating. So yes. Try not to care what people think, but when you do care, let yourself care. Care FULLY. Care in the most giant way. Care all the ways in which you ought to. And then, slowly let it go. One fuck at a time.
I do hope we all win. Really.
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