This post was inspired by a friend who is struggling with this very topic right now. To be clear, I think we all grapple with this issue from time to time (unless we are endlessly the perpetuator- more on that later). I’ve addressed this point in several different posts from various perspectives, but I think I’m just going to tackle it head-on today.
I want to do something I haven’t done in quite some time and kick this off with someone else’s words. Joyce Carol Oates, the author, was quoted as saying the following: “Evil isn’t a cosmological riddle, only just selfish human behavior.” I love this sentiment because it introduces simplicity into a complex and deeply troubling situation.
What does it mean? Well, when we are thrown off by relationships or interactions with other humans, we typically search high and low for the reason. The motivation. The driving force. We want to understand it. We want to make sense of it all. What is the universe trying to teach us? What is the lesson? What does the person who is causing the harm gain from such behavior? Why? Why? Why?
The simple answer that I’ve given friends and advice seekers as of late is that you can’t know another person’s thought process or inspiration, so acceptance is the only reasonable option. I want to explore a few of the responses I get from this prompt (which is not actually one at all) so that we can really get into the weeds where the juicy soul-growing shit lives and thrives.
The most common reply is someone advising me that the person on the other end of the conflict has already made their intentions and feelings clear, so there is no great exploration warranted. But? Well, except that their behavior seems to contradict what they’ve clearly expressed. Right. Of course. This is one of the most fundamental issues with being human, matching words and actions. It’s easy enough for me to tell someone to pay attention to behavior more so than words, but the reality of that is different. Mostly the reality diverges from that simple truth because information on other humans is processed similarly to the way an eye works (or a camera). Although I am far from expert in this arena, the crude explanation is that light reflects from an object that you are looking at and is focused using all the bits and pieces and working elements of the eye. So, all this shit flows in and your body processes the whole to extract the thing that matters.
The challenge there is the conflict. For the eye to work perfectly and do its thing, all the gears need to grind away in perfect order. When something occurs, such as an injury or disease, the whole system breaks down. Any significant impact on a particular part and the picture we see is distorted or fuzzy or marred or unknown.
I know even less about the human brain, but in my experience, the same thing happens when we process experiences or information. It goes without saying that brain injury or disease would have the same impact on the processing of information. However, the thought I’m following here is a little different. When our brain receives conflicting pieces of information, the assembly line jams up.
Let’s talk this through. I’ll start with a super simple example. My intern (a different one, a faux intern, if you will) tells me that they are a driven and hard-working individual. They’ve done well in school due to their strong work ethic and have a desire to apply the same principal to their work life. However, their actual work ethic and product tells a different story. They are late without excuse or explanation, delayed in delivering assigned work, and lazy in their effort. It would be easy to just say that they lied, but since I had such a good interaction on the interview and in the first meeting, I struggle with reconciling who I thought the intern to be and who they are in truth.
You might think that this is silly. Fuck that. You misjudged and now you see the real-deal and it’s not that much of a struggle to acknowledge that we were wrong about someone. False. I mean sure, sometimes that’s the case, but not that often. More typically, our ego is intertwined with all the earth-based notions. We’ve rested our laurels on the concept of a human and tied ourselves to that first impression and it’s really hard to admit we were wrong. Rather than acknowledging we were conned, we seek evidence to support our original idea or notion. We might even go overboard and give credit where little or none is due. What does that look like? Well, my intern hands in an assignment on time and it’s just okay, but I praise the effort just the same. In fact, I make a huge deal out of the timely delivery, as if this is something that few can achieve and clearly, deserves major accolades.
For some reason, accepting new information about someone that challenges the notion of our judgment or impression, is more difficult than maintaining a false sense of a human. With every new piece of damning evidence we face, we cling tighter to insignificant examples to support the truth we are desperate to hold fast to.
You might have already recognized that this is going to be a multi-part experience. There is no way I’m exploring this topic in a significant or real way in one post. So, how does this section conclude? What are we meant to learn here? Well, I’m hoping the takeaway is that it is incredibly challenging when people’s words and actions do not match. Our brains and hearts try and make the two opposite fact patterns meet. We smoosh and squish and mash with everything within us. In fact, it typically takes a really tough and undeniable kick in the pants before we are willing to give up.
We proclaim that the foundation is strong and then we see a couple of cracks. We cover them with some paint and reaffirm this notion. We find dust on the floor around the cracks and notice a breakthrough in the new paint and still, we cling. It’s not until the building falls around us that we have no choice but to accept the reality. This is the plight of being human.
As a quick aside, it doesn’t matter if our original thought is negative or positive. Whatever our impression or understanding is, that becomes doctrine, until, well, it’s not.
x
L.
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