Okay, okay. So yesterday, we discussed the idea of backing into our first understanding of a person or a thing. Bottom line is that we are all more comfortable believing that our first impression or instinct was accurate. If not, we a have to seriously question our own judgment and perspective. Not many of us are secure or in tune enough to delve headfirst into that exercise. So, we deny. Deny. Deny. Deny.
We make excuses for people or situations. We search for any evidence in the universe to close the gap between what we think we know and what we know for certain. I’ve spoken about cognitive biases before so I don’t think anyone needs another diatribe on that subject. We get it, right? We want people and things to be what we think we know them to be.
What happens when we have no choice but to accept reality? This is a very tough situation. Incredibly trying. We’ve fought it for so long that by the time we get to the conclusion, we feel entirely defeated. We feel beaten up. If only we had caught on or accepted things are they are sooner, we wouldn’t have expended quite so much energy. What I am trying to tell you is that we do damage before further damage is done. Think earthquake and aftershock. Um, no thank you. We’re already shook. No one needs another scare just as their heart rate is starting to level out, amiright?
Anyway, some thing happens, the catalyst, and we have no choice but to accept reality. What’s really awful is that usually that event itself is devastating outside of the awareness that a person or thing has disappointed you. A breakup or separation. A catastrophic wreckage or ending. So, we have the event to contend with and then we must face that things were not as we believed them to be. Worse, we must accept the idea that things are not as we wanted them to be, despite a niggling suspicion that tried like hell to rear its ugly head and share its truth. The truth.
Before I even get to the point where I share how one might tackle the ‘why me, universe?!’ query, I’d like to discuss the handling of the ‘event’. I’ve touched on similar points in the past, but if recent events have shown me anything, it’s that we have short memories and wide berths for pain as humans. We just shit on ourselves every which way, at any opportunity.
I think it’s probably best to use a very specific example to explore this premise. I’m going to avoid the whole romantic relationship situation for a moment and I’m going to touch on friendship. I have a friend who is selfish. Demanding. Needy. When I met her, she seemed amazing. In fact, she’ll still tell just about anyone who will listen what a great friend she is and how loyal and devoted. When I saw evidence to the contrary, I fought it, hard. I bore witness to selfish and self-centered behavior. I was harmed and hurt and maligned. And still, I clung to the belief that I had chosen well.
Let’s take aside for a moment the thought that my pedestal placement was likely off-base and ridiculous under normal circumstances.
So, I’m fighting for this friendship that I think is special, tooth and nail. I plead my case. I share my side. I explain why I feel the way that I do. I take ownership for things that I may have done to throw off our karmic balance. I ask what I could do differently and even offer up suggestions for how I might bend myself into a cute lil pretzel to make it all seem better. And then, she does something that is a GIANT fuck you. A fuck you of epic proportion. Selfish in a way that sort of defies imagination. Even if I have the desire to make it nice in my head, there’s no real way to navigate that level of delusion in the face of the house burning down around me.
I feel abandoned. I feel foolish. I feel regretful. Yet, I still wonder what I did wrong and how I can change (there is some bit of this needed, but not quite on the level I commit to). Mostly, I marvel at how she’s changed. And then, I wonder if she’s changed or if I just refused to see things that had been there the entire time, right under my nose. I’m experiencing all these emotions and wow, that’s intense, but also, I am still reeling from the thing itself. The betrayal. I’m deeply wounded on the most basic and surface level because of the interaction we had with each other.
I have a choice in this moment. I can try and will myself back to sleep (head in the sand mode) or I can allow myself to really see what the fuck is going on. Only this time, I can’t deny the truth any longer. There’s no fooling myself. The emperor is wearing not one stitch of clothing and there’s no going back. I don’t even have the teensiest scrap of fabric to throw over his privates for some modesty. It’s just balls out and where the fuck do we go from here?
Well, we start by separating ourselves from the idea that we have to process everything at once. That’s where shit seems to fall apart. In my experience (and it is vast in the way of shitty relationships), I find that starting with the event tends to organically lead to processing and healing in the other camp(s). No fancy magic needed.
You might be wondering what the difference is, like how can we separate our revelations about this person or situation from the event itself? Imagine yourself going into an ice cream shop. The same one you always visit. The girl behind the counter is a wretched human. She seemed nice at first and you have this deeply held belief that everyone who works in sugar-laden frozen dairy treats should be delightful. And yet, she’s a nasty ol’ wench. You get a scoop from her and she is a miserable human and because she’s rushing and miserable, as usual, your cookies n’ cream scoop rolls right off the cone, straight down the front of your blouse, and onto the floor.
You know that you need to address the way in which she’s addressed you at some point, but right now, right now you need to clean your self up. Right now you need to get your ice cream up off the floor (with assistance) and request another scoop. One thing at a time. So, that’s the first bit of advice and where we end today. Baby steps. Don’t tackle the mountain all at once. Pick a foothold, go there. Secure yourself, and then move on.
x.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 