It seems funny to ponder how we accept the shittiness of people when the state seems so widespread and pervasive. Like, how do we not? Do we actually have a choice? Well, we already dove into a whole bunch of that, and I don’t think we need a refresher quite so close.
Let’s move on.
A friend of mine just recommended a documentary to me, called ‘I Am’. Highly recommend that you sneak a peek if you haven’t. It’s fascinating and extremely poignant and relevant and hopeful and also, sort of terrifying. One of the quotes from the movie that really resonated with me (so much so that I jotted it down) was as follows: “The world is his who can see through its pretension. What deafness, what stone-blind custom, what overgrown error you behold, is there only by sufferance,–by your sufferance. See it to be a lie, and you have already dealt it its mortal blow” (Ralph Waldo Emerson).
I understood this thought in the context of the film, but I was also curious to see what the wide world thought the meaning to be. I found a gazillion different websites that were keen to dissect the sentiment, but the gist I got was that Emerson was saying that when we look past all the bullshit ideas and notions that divide us, when we get down to the nitty gritty, we have an opportunity to stumble upon all the stuff that unifies us. I know that sounds a bit hokey, but still, I dig it. I’m a sucker for a silver lining.
What does that have to do with this four day rant I’m on? Well, I think that if we want to find our way, we need to be able to identify where things have gone awry. We need to highlight the lies and manipulation and selfishness if we want to sort out who we are actually meant to connect with and what that looks like. The disappointing fact is that humans can spend endless periods of time on fruitless endeavors. Yes, of course I recognize that each situation or relationship can teach us a lesson. I’m not disputing that fact, at all. What I’m trying to share is something bigger and better.
The time wasting component that I am referring to is not the relationship or situation itself, though I certainly recognize why it might feel that way. The part that is no good is that place where we are intend to remain connected to the thing we’ve discovered is harmful or nonsensical because we are committed to the “truth” of the situation.
If you’ve been around here for a while, you know that this is exactly what I did with my ex. There were red flags galore in our relationship. I should have let go of him long before he decided to pull the old ‘see ya later alligator’ text after five years. But, we had some good times, and also, I had a LOT to learn about myself and the life I want to lead. So, there was the aftermath where I decided to cling to the remnants of what I thought we were. I licked my finger and haplessly searched around on the floor to find a big enough crumb to pocket for a later time or date. I waited and hoped and wanted.
I don’t think it’s hugely important, but for the sake of demonstrating that this process is not super duper easy, I will reiterate that he fed into these notions. He claimed not to, of course, but I don’t know how else you might categorize someone who did the things he did (spending time, keeping in contact, leaving the door open when asked direct questions). That didn’t matter though. It wasn’t just about getting back together for me. I needed to understand why things fell apart. Why he left. What went wrong. Why he wouldn’t work to fix things with me. Why someone else was better. Why he was willing to put the effort in there, with her. I wanted to really get why he decided to, after five years, text me instead of having a conversation face-to-face. I wanted to understand so much.
I had a friend at the time who told me that he was just an asshole. She told me that the universe had done me a favor and shown me his true colors in a way that was inescapable, and I should take that knowledge and run for the hills. I couldn’t though. I had remolded him in my mind into something almost larger than life. He was perfect and I was marred, and he had blessed me with his presence and his love (though it was conditional love, of course) and all the things. He had to just be going through something. He was struggling. He was hurt. He was sad. I was partially to blame.
Again, there was messaging from his side that reaffirmed all of this. I had done these unforgiveable things many years ago, and they had finally caught up, and the end was upon us. Maybe that was true for him. I accept that fact. Here are two other facts that it look me a long fucking time to get to. Ready? 1. It doesn’t matter. 2. He acted like a piece of shit anyway, unbefitting a five year relationship with someone who mostly gave good.
Did you read number one? Read it again. Then pause and read it again. It doesn’t matter. We cannot search for reasons why people do the things they do or why they feel the way they feel. People are flippant and callous and fickle. People are selfish and mean. People justify a million crappy things that they do because it makes them feel like better humans. People count on us blaming ourselves and looking for reasons why because it keeps them feeling good and also, mostly keeps us hooked and hanging on.
How do we separate? Well, we’ll talk about this some more tomorrow, but for now, just take a breath and know that not EVERYONE is shitty. In fact, there are a lot of really good eggs out there. However, you will have a really tough time separating them from the rest of the pile if you are still caught up dissecting a shitty person’s behavior. It’s a waste of time and energy. Even if you get to a place where you finally think you get it, I guarantee you that you will not really get it.
I’m sorry. It’s true.
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