I promised that today I would teach you how to separate. That was fairly bold of me, no? It’s like I have some magical tool box that I’ve cultivated over time, and here I am, willy nilly lending it out. It’s not like that at all. I’ve been through some shit and I’ve made a lot of mistakes and most of what I’ve learned has been through trial and error. You are likely going to have to go through the same process. I can’t spare you in that way, BUT maybe I can, just a little.
Maybe there is something to be learned here that can give you a leg up on things. I think it’s important at this juncture that I acknowledge that recognizing another person’s selfish shittiness has nothing to do with your own self-reflection and growth. I used to think that, which is why I would always tack my revelations on to the end of a statement about myself. You know, like “he was a complete asshole, but I did instigate things” or “he was a real mean piece of shit, but I did tolerate it for a long time”. Cool. Good for me owning my shit. The thing is, that one thing has nothing to do with the other and when we link them in that way, we don’t really get to process the other person’s behavior and we have a much tougher time separating and moving away from it all.
You have to process things in the order in which works for you and you alone. I can tell you that I think there is value to identifying the other human’s part prior to your own to get you the fuck out of their line of sight, but that may not be something that works. Maybe you feel emboldened by ownership and it works better for you to own your part in all of it before you place responsibility in other camps. I get it. No judgment. You are just going to have to figure it out.
The important part is working to figure it out, not where you land from a chronology standpoint. If you need time to grieve or process the shock of a thing before you cope, I get that. Just give yourself a reasonable and limited period of time and then jump into the wading part.
You don’t need to vilify anyone to hold them accountable, but also, don’t be afraid to identify all the ways in which someone is shitty. Recognize that the fault someone else might focus on, may not even be something that you find terribly bothersome. Much in the same way, you might have issues that were your undoing and for someone else, they are ridiculous and overblown. This is your process so you just have to get used to telling yourself that no one else’s POV really matters.
You can secure advice for sure or bounce your thoughts off someone you trust, but just understand that at the end of the day, you are the one gearing up for internal battle and even with unrelenting support, they are still not really IN it with you. If they are what they say they are, they’ll be there along the way to hear you vent or let you cry and encourage you to get out your rage. However, you are the only person who is going to do the work and for that reason, you can’t let anyone dictate to you what that works looks like.
I have to admit that I’ve been guilty of offering opinions to friends who have come to me for advice. I’ve been judgmental and freely labeled different people who have come in and our of their lives. Just recently, I told a friend that a guy she had dated (who massacred her and continues to gaslight and manipulate) is an asshole. I mean that but I don’t think it’s productive. She doesn’t believe that yet and while my intentions are pure, there’s a strong likelihood that everything backfires.
What? Well, when people used to tell me what a dick my ex was, I found myself defending him and his actions. Can you imagine? But I did. I wasn’t there yet and so I didn’t fully see who or what he is, and I was also still in a mindset where admitting he is an asshole was accepting that I didn’t allow myself to see his asshole tendencies, and well, I just wasn’t ready.
How do you deal with this on the other side of it? Well, you can tell someone that while you appreciate their opinion and defense of you, their actions aren’t helpful in that moment. You are still processing and you may get there or you may never get there. You can wait to ask advice or vent until you feel stronger. You can hear it and take it in stride and understand that it likely comes from a place of care and love. However you deal, don’t let it derail you. Stay on the path.
Don’t get me wrong, if you immediately think someone is a raging asshole and you are just trying to sort it all out, that’s okay. It’s just not often that happens. Typically, we go back and forth. We see them for who they were when we liked or loved them and try and piece that together with who they are “now” and try and figure out what the middle looks like.
My advice isn’t unlike other similar situations I’ve addressed here on the blog. Give yourself time and space. Welcome distractions. Some. Not so many that you aren’t facing anything, but enough that you can keep yourself afloat and okay. Keep a journal. Tell a friend. Get a therapist. Block them/it. On social media. On your phone. Everywhere. Avoid places and people that trigger you until you feel strong enough to figure it all out. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, so walk through your timeline in a way that suits you and you alone. Reward yourself when you’ve accomplished little tasks or goals along the way. No contact? Get some ice cream. Deleting old emails? Buy a new top. You get the point.
I know that this is going to come as no surprise but the very first step and the one that no one wants to take, is telling yourself that you’re done. Not hopeful. Not wondering. Not waiting and seeing. Just done. You aren’t DONE. You want to be done. That’s enough. Just want it, and then get your ass in gear and go get it.
Beautiful weekend ya’ll.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 