Hi there. I thought I’d try to hit on a few different seasons. What do you think? Good? Good.
It occurred to me that some of you may not have ever watched SATC. I’m not going to peer pressure you or anything but some of what I talk about may be lost here. I’m going to try my hardest to not do that though. I might use names and show specific references here and there, but I’m going to try and keep it to a minimum.
The second episode I picked was: “They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?” which was dropped into Season 2 (Episode 4 to be precise). Carrie has a less than flattering article written about her whereas the author speculates how [un]fun club hopping will be at 40. The friends all freak the fuck out when facing this editorial condemnation and are prompted into action. Not necessarily intelligent or helpful action, but action nonetheless.
What is that action? Well, duh. The women all throw themselves into horrible relationships. They create connection by virtue of desperation. Let me pause for a moment to assure you that nothing good is ever motivated by that kind of fear. Anything we do as a reaction to externally birthed worry, is often a disaster. We aren’t thinking things through properly and we tend to ignore screaming red flags.
What’s at the base of this panic? Good ol’ single shaming. This is another one of my favorite (read the dripping sarcasm, please) hobbies of our society’s most depraved. Okay, okay. I’m kidding. Sort of. It is really fucking atrocious though. For those folks who don’t ask me if I have children, they are typically just subbing out one overly personal and incredibly presumptuous query for another. Are you dating? Do you have a special someone? Are you looking?
Looking? For what? Do I walk the streets of Long Island hoping to rest my eyes on a solid mate? No. Do I attend events (well right now, not really) with the wish and prayer that someone my age-ish who is also single might stroll in or be seated near me? No. Do I occasionally flip through a dating app feeling annoyed and over it? Well, yes, yes I do.
I’m disappointed that this is the leading question today, in 2021. I feel dissatisfied with the notion that after all we’ve been through over the last year and a half, that’s still a thing. You think it isn’t? I promise you, it is. Ready? “OMGAWSH, how are you? How’s your family? The world is so weird, right? How’s work? Are you dating?” I promise. That is the order. Sometimes the dating bit sneaks in before work. Sometimes it even edges out family. How is that even fucking possible, you ask? I don’t know. It’s insane.
I want someone to ask me what I’ve been doing all this time. What books I’ve read or shows I’ve watched. I want someone to ask if I’ve dabbled in any new hobbies or latched on to any interesting podcasts. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G else. It’s not because I’m single that this question or subject matter perturbs me. Not even a little. It’s not even because I find the dating market so absolutely wretched and disappointing, on a good day. It’s more because that question tells me that I am somehow less than because I answer no. It tells me that I should be ashamed of my single status.
Sure, I know plenty of people that tell me how jealous they are of my life. They express envy over my ability to just go out to dinner or go for a run, without planning or coordinating. They recount the most recent disagreement they had with their significant other and say ‘see, at least you don’t have to deal with this shit, right?’ They don’t really mean it though. You know how I know? It’s written all over them. Pity. You know how else I know? They usually follow it up with ‘don’t worry, it just takes time to find the right person. You just need to have faith and hang in there.’
What if there isn’t the right person? What if I’m just meant to be solo? Is that really so fucking horrifying? Is a life filled with hobbies and self-care and friends and family so gross?
I spent many years feeling extraordinarily lonely in the company of some selfish and unkind humans. I’ve also experienced (much more sparingly) loneliness when keeping my own company. You know what? I’ll take the latter….every single fucking time. The first bit requires so much mess to unwind. The second scenario? Easier. I’ll call or FaceTime a friend, take a walk, take a drive to see my parents. Loneliness cured. Instantly. Not forever, but in the best way possible.
So, why did the magazine in this impactful episode single shame Carrie? Why are we still doing it today?
Well, I believe it comes down to two things. One, is that we have this precious and delicate societal web that TO THIS DAY, still includes marriage and children or at least (said tongue and cheek) partnership. Two, is that evidence of non-conformity, even in the most general and benign sense, makes most people squirm. Sure, they’ll pretend like they’re fine. They aren’t though. Fine. They are grossly uncomfortable.
I’ve explored this discomfort many, many times over the years to try and understand it. I’ve occasionally landed at one end of the universe which is where women are uncomfortable around single women because somehow EVERY man becomes fair game in their quest to settle down- including their spouse, or because somehow, they or their spouse will become overwhelmed with envy over their singlehood and never relish their “taken” status ever again. Then other times, I’ve found myself at the other end of the spectrum which is where women actually feel unnecessary and misplaced pity. They imagine themselves in the same situation and don’t like how that feels, and so they naturally assume the single person feels the same. There are also a million possibilities in between these, right?
I can’t cover, nor do I even fully understand all that might be floating in the atmosphere when it comes to people’s reactions, but I can tell you that the situations I described above feel insane to me. I have never coveted my friend’s husbands or boyfriends, certainly not as a by-product of my singlehood. Where I can’t control how anyone else feels, I don’t market my life as a single living la vida loca. I’m just living my life. I have good days and bad days. It’s fun, but not particularly glamourous. I don’t think my contentedness with my singlehood is a contagion. If it is, I think a couple has much bigger problems (note to self: I didn’t plant the seed, I just watered whatever shit was buried underneath last season).
I can go on and on, but why? Let’s just stop single shaming. Nothing good comes from it. We all have enough problems, so let’s not worry about who is linked with whom. Doesn’t matter. You just live your best life. Also, reach out to your single friends. They don’t want your guy, but I bet they want your company.
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