Hiya. I’ve talked about this so many times, but literally every day, I am faced with examples of the next point on the list I made yesterday. Our entire world right now is a living, breathing example of the idea that people always need someone or something where they can displace responsibility for their harm.
Even when we take responsibility, there is usually a caveat in there somewhere. We share that we understand we did _________ to ourselves, but ultimately _______ contributed. I’m not suggesting that there is a never an external force or party that is the partial cause of our harm. I’m merely sharing that we always play a role, and it’s critical to acknowledge that fact.
I was reading a story about a blogger recently who was struck by a car while jogging. I felt absolutely sickened reading her story and felt terrible for the suffering she is experiencing as a result. I had great respect for her when she recounted her story because while she pointed out the irresponsibility of the driver, she also took responsibility for her role. She shared that she knew the stop sign was a bit hidden and acknowledged that with that knowledge, she likely should have paused and made eye contact with the driver before proceeding. Wow. That’s huge and hard, and incredibly meaningful.
Sometimes the only role we play in our harm is allowing someone in to harm us. That’s not a little thing, but still, its the most benign of the self-harm roles. However, it is action that we take that decidedly causes us grief.
Why do we always seek to blame something that exists outside of us? Well, I believe this behavior is a two step situation. First of all, if we blame someone or something else, then we can justify our anger or frustration with that person or thing. Secondly, when we place the cause of our sadness or anger outside of us, we don’t ever have to change. We are basically acknowledging that the harm is caused by a third party that we have no control over and thus, there is nothing to be done.
Even in that situation, there are choices we can make, right? We can terminate the relationship or at least lessen it in importance. We can move away from the thing so it is no longer around to present problems or danger. We usually don’t though, because something within us forms a death grip around an understanding that this assignment of blame or responsibility is on a case-by-case basis.
__________ is the cause of my pain here, but it is situational, so we can still be friends. I’ll just avoid that particular scenario or situation. Of course, that always blows up. If someone is actually a piece of shit, we will be annihilated by them at every turn. However, most people will continue in the defensive position, which is to say that they will wait for the onslaught and then seek to duck and cover and/or protect. They will wait for the harm rather than doing something to proactively move away from it.
It’s a twisty and confusing and counterproductive situation and yet, it goes on.
I have a friend who is there for me during my time of need. Not consistently, but once or twice. She gets lost in her own life one time when I need her, and I fall apart. Which is, of course, her fault. This happens a few times. Rather than employ a different strategy during my time of need, I keep relying on that friend and finding myself disappointed. She is the reason I am so hurt.
No. I am. I am causing my own pain and seeking to displace that responsibility onto another human. Uncool. Very, very uncool. Also, very human.
So, how do we move away from that paradigm. More appropriately, how do we strike a balance between the two? How do we accept responsibility for our own harm but also recognize people’s shitty treatment or bad situations when they arise?
Well, we have to acknowledge that the action likely exists outside of us, but the reaction exists INSIDE of us. We can’t control what people do or how things play out (often), but we can make better choices. And we can unquestionably decide to pay attention to how we respond and react. If I consistently reach out to that friend and she is mostly unreliable, my disappointment or devastation is not on her, it’s on me. However, I can acknowledge that she might not be the best choice as a close friend. Once I come to that conclusion and I allow it to resonate, I can decide where I want to go from there.
Do I want to stay friends with her and just exist on a more casual plain, where I don’t necessarily rely on her? Do I feel too connected where a complete severance is the only option available to me?
That’s not the most critical part of this exercise though. Sure, it’s important but not THE most pointed bit. The real shit is where you ask yourself how you are going to cope without that support. What exists inside of you that you can work to access to cope and handle things on your own?
I believe that as humans, we truly need other humans. We need connection and relationships and all the things. However, the need shouldn’t be for survival. The need shouldn’t be for sustenance. The need should be for enrichment. Friendships and other connections are the icing. The cake? That’s on us. We have all the ingredients that we need. We need to stop blaming the recipe author for including something that we don’t have available. We either have to alter the recipe or we have to go out and get whatever it is that we need.
I know that what I’m sharing may feel yucky and unfamiliar, but it’s important. That’s the truth. It is no one’s job to hold you up and keep you going. You may have people that do that for you and that’s amazing. But, what happens when they can’t? That doesn’t make them shitty people. You just have to find a way to cope. You feel me?
Your harm is on you. Repeat that to yourself until you get it. Once you do, all the power is yours and that, is a beautiful thing.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 