I have no control over people’s behavior and for that reason, I have no control over my suffering. Classic a plus b situation, amiright?
I’ve prattled on endlessly about the concept of other people’s behavior and our complete lack of control in that domain. It’s just a simple fact. There are obvious exceptions, but most of those situations are either a guardian or parent figure (with a child) or abusive. Generally speaking, we have no sway over what other people do or how they act. And yet, we spend a terrible amount of time obsessing over it.
Don’t deny it. It’s a simple truth. We are engaged in a relationship or friendship with another human and bam, we turn into a strategizing maniac. If I do this, I will prompt x behavior. What if I don’t do that? What if something else happens? What if, what if, what if? We endlessly pour over the chessboard, contemplating how we can get to check mate. That’s just it. We can’t. We can, but it likely looks different than you imagine it to be.
For most people check mate is the opportune or “perfect” interaction with another person, or perhaps some pointed goal. I imagine you know what I am referring to, but if not, let’s get into it. I want to get married, have a baby, be the best friend, be the confidant, be the most amazing lover, be the muse, be the ex, and so on and so forth. We agonize and manipulate and overthink to the point of no return. We just want to get to that thing that we imagine is the thing we want most and then we imagine everything feeling perfect. Just right.
Fuck me. That’s not the way to do it. I’m sorry. I am. I try not to be too aggressive or tell you what to do, but I’m afraid this is too important to be subtle or mince words. There is NOTHING wrong with having a goal. I mean it. Set them. Strive for big things, for better things. Live your biggest dreams. Just don’t imagine that wrapping your fingers around that shiny ring will bring you all the feelings you’ve always wanted and never had. Even if it does, it will be fleeting. That’s just how being human works.
Why?
Well, I’m sorry but I might be about to burst your proverbial bubble. It must be done. These goals, the milestones of life, are just part of the experience. Ebbs and flows. Ups and downs. They aren’t an end game. They don’t radically change who you are on the inside, they just change the scenery. The backdrop. The only thing that shifts all the gooey goodness inside of you, the feelings, is YOU.
I know I probably sound like a broken record by now, but I’m going to say this until the end of time. Why? Because it’s really fucking important. Why else? Because this message, this underlying fact, is what has plagued me and brought me joy my entire life. I have endlessly thought some person or some thing to be the answer and then crashed into earth when I realized I was mistaken.
Now, I hover. I’m floating above that. I’m doing the work to keep perspective and realize how it actually works. When I’m frustrated at work, I don’t imagine that a new job will fix all my problems. When I feel a little lonely, I don’t imagine a relationship will be the balm for my wound. When I’m feeling insecure about how I look, I know that exercising one thousand hours will not shift those feelings even one smidgen.
Okay, what does all of this have to do with where I started? Well, it’s kind of simple and also, incredibly complicated. You might be thinking ‘hey, she just reaffirmed that I have no control over people’s behavior, so isn’t the latter part of that statement also true?’ No. Nope. That’s the WHOLE point. You can’t control people. You cannot control how they act or feel or what they do or say. You also should not (this is where I was going before) believe that some milestone that seems indicative of that control pattern will be life changing.
WHAT?
So, I have a philandering significant other. I imagine that my love and adoration will change him and he will settle down and be faithful and loving and devoted. I imagine that once that occurs, I will be happy. I am discounting the fact that it will likely not go down that way, and even if perchance I get to that place with him, I might be over it by that point. Utterly disinterested. So, I suffer. I suffer if I can’t get him to the place I need him to be, and I likely suffer if I do.
Right?
No. I don’t suffer, because I acknowledge that I am unhappy and rather than trying to mold or shape him, I decide to mold and shape myself. I leave. I kick Mr. Cheater out the door and never look back. I put a value on my adoration and loyalty. I place it above that kind of bullshit. I own that my suffering was a direct result of his shitty behavior but more so, my willingness to soak it all up. A sponge for horseshit.
I know I packed a lot into this one, so I want you to really break it down for yourself. Please. This is so very important. We often live in headspaces where we resign ourselves to unhappiness with the understanding that at some point, the universe will move on its axis and we will get to where we need to be in order to find happiness. We take ourselves out of the equation entirely. We remove reason and rational thought. We find comfort in our unhappiness because it’s all we know until we know something different. We presume that different place is going to change our lives when we can finally get here.
My gosh. Own your life. Own your power. This is not some cheerleader bullshit here. This is the real deal. I still suffer, but I suffer less because I own the fact that I cannot control other people but I sure as shit can control myself. Stop pretending like you can’t. You can. We all can. It’s hard work. SURPRISE. It’s not easy to get to a good place. You’re going to have to sweat and bleed a little. I’ll tell you something though, if joy isn’t worth a little grit, I don’t know what the fuck is…you know?
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