I wrote a post a while ago about how hurt people hurt people. It’s real. It happens all the damn time. We’ve all done it in some respect. Some folks are more offensive and egregious than others, but it’s a very common situation. Benign example? I’m grumpy so I snap at someone else. Insane example? My life doesn’t fit me well at this time, so I am going to sabotage someone else’s situation to make me feel better about my so-called failure.
This is the same thought thread as ‘if I share my suffering with others, I will feel better’.
I feel like I ought to start this chat by explaining that I am a huge proponent of sharing. I believe it is imperative to have a circle of people (a circle of one is enough!) that you can trust and confide in. I keep things fairly close, but I still find comfort in sharing with my people when I need it. Therefore, this post is not meant to discourage turning to those you care for and seeking a willing ear/shoulder. Rather, I am trying to highlight the difference between confiding and dumping.
There is a fine line here and it’s not always easy to identify, but to maintain healthy relationships and keep ourselves on the path, it is imperative that we find it.
While the line may be skinny, it’s still easily discernable, or at least that is my belief. Why? Well, I think the real difference is sharing my story to vent or secure advice or get a friend up to speed on life OR taking negative or wretched energy and lathering up another human with it. Lathering may be too soft a word. Smothering. Suffocating.
You might be asking yourself what that looks like. Aren’t we just sharing? Isn’t that all this really is? Isn’t that what friends are for? Yes and no. It’s not just sharing when you take your energy and push it onto another person, particularly one that you know cares for you.
I want to throw a quick disclaimer out there. I am in no way intending to paint people who spread energy as malicious or evil. There are times when we are not even conscious of how we are affecting someone else, and we certainly can’t control how someone might absorb the energy around them. Which is why it is so important that we are more tuned in to how we come across.
I am also not encouraging you to be anything other than authentic. You should be yourself at all times. Being YOU doesn’t prevent you from being sensitive or aware of how you come across to others. Not how you come across in the ‘what they think of you’ sense, but more in the ‘what is your intention?’ sense.
This is not about word vomiting and then apologizing endlessly for the impact you might be having on that person. This is not about feeling sorry at all. This is about taking the time to identify your mood, feelings, and headspace so that you can more meaningfully and consciously engage with the people around you, particularly those you care about. Why? Well, besides the whole ‘striving to be a good human’ bit, there is also something to be said for the end game. Will acting a certain way or speaking your truth make you feel good? Better? What does that look like for you? Did you even give it any thought? Have you ever given it thought? It’s time.
I know this might feel confusing and dramatic. If I am upset, doesn’t it make sense to just pick up the phone and reveal every little thing to my closest friend? Sure, but also, no. I actually believe that before we get there, we owe it to ourselves and them, to self-examine. If you are sharing before you understand how you feel about something, there is a good likelihood that you will dump. When we haven’t taken the time to codify and explore and even compartmentalize a little (a little is good- this gets a bad rap), what are we really getting out of that interaction?
I can tell you what usually happens to me, on both sides of that equation. Frustration. The person who is meant to listen and respond will do so, and the sharer will decide that the response is inappropriate or just not up to par. Also, judgment. The sharer will judge the response and the listener will judge the feelings of the sharer. Nothing magical emerges from those interactions. They are just kind of sour.
So, why do we seek to dump before we truly explore? For a number of reasons, some of which we’ve already explored. We believe our suffering is solely attributable to an outside force, and one we have no control over, so we would never think to exert control over our feelings through self-examination and regulation. Also, the suffering can feel overwhelming and we imagine that sharing will somehow make it less so. Even if it does, it’s an incredibly temporary situation. Big picture, the relief is fleeting and then we are left with our own thoughts and they are an endless circular reference, and we might have alienated a good friend in the process.
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but when folks run into a problem at work, my thought process is always, search out a solution or two and then present both together. Here is the issue and this is what I think I’m going to do to solve it. Thoughts? Feelings? Perspective? This simple process actually creates a healthy barrier between the sharer and the listener. You are telling someone that you value their input and their listening skills, but you are also willing to do the work yourself to get to the bottom of it all. You aren’t looking for them to fix something or make it all better. It’s not even really a team sport. You are just sharing to bolster yourself or boost your spirits a bit.
They might offer a different point of view, and that’s great. So long as it is freely offered and not chased down, advice is a beautiful thing. Everyone deserves their very own, personally cultivated energy sphere. If you find that yours is plagued by a dark rain cloud, maybe wait for the peak of sun before you invite someone in. Not clear blue sunny skies, just a sliver.
x.
L.
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