Today’s post is going to be very subtle and nuanced as it fits like a puzzle piece to yesterday’s post. I chatted a bit yesterday about the way in which we interact with our people when we are harmed or suffering. I believe firmly in the idea of sharing but also, being mindful of what that interaction looks like. I know that sentiment is controversial because we love to peddle the idea that being a friend or someone’s person means absorbing anything at all times, without reservation or issue.
Right. That’s horseshit. We are human. The idea that someone will somehow be made of steel and capable of engaging in that way without feeling something is completely batshit to me.
I’m going to take this a step further. I think that we often know we are triggering someone with our behavior or words and we try and shut down that person’s experience by dictating how they should feel. You know what that looks like? Like this: Don’t worry about me. Don’t stress about it. It’s all good. Don’t give it any real thought.
You get it? We are telling someone, I know that what I’m saying or doing is going to make you feel all the things, so I’m going to tell you not to feel them and then, I have removed any responsibility. Ta-fucking-da. Nope. Sorry. It doesn’t work that way. All you’ve done in that situation is create a barrier whereas they have that experience and now they don’t feel comfortable sharing their real thoughts or feelings. That doesn’t sound much like friendship to me. You? Does that appeal to you?
Maybe it does, and then I would implore you to consider what friendship means to you. If you know you are impacting another person, but shut down the expression of that impact by expressing how you don’t wish to view it, are you all good? So long as they bury whatever they are really feeling, everything is a-okay? Really? Come on. That isn’t a friendship. You’ve just found a nice dark corner to shit in. Sorry, that’s the truth.
We can ask people to support us, but when we do that, we have to be able to accept that they are living, breathing beings and will have a completely separate emotional experience that we have no control over. In fact, it’s more than that. It’s not just that we don’t have any control, it’s that we shouldn’t exert any control. That’s not our place. That’s not what friendship is and quite frankly, it’s a bit rude.
Does this mean we shouldn’t ever share? There are too many rules, so we should just forget it all. No. That’s not it. Again, if that is your response, you are basically just telling me that you don’t want to do the work.
When we are in the throes of a crisis, we want to be able to turn to the people we love and trust to tell them that we are in trouble and need a hand. We don’t always have the bandwidth or foresight to contemplate what that really means. At all. That’s why we have to build that process into our whole situation so it’s second nature.
We are all adults and so, there is always room for a beat. A pause. A brief one. Long enough to ponder what’s next. Always. It may not feel that way, but impulsivity comes from the same place as despondency and rage and resignation. Do you want to live in that place? I don’t. I prefer higher ground. So, I commit myself to getting there. I pledge to do the work. I make it my business to figure it out.
It can be as simple as saying to someone ‘I know this might be hard to hear, but…’ I want to be clear that saying things like ‘I know you’ll be disappointed in me’ or ‘I know you won’t approve, but…’ is basically the same thing as telling someone not to be mad or sad or stressed. You are wrapping their feelings up with a bow so tight that they don’t have any ability to dig in themselves and feel freely. Don’t do that. Really. The truth is that someone might be disappointed in you or they may not approve of your behavior but that’s actually none of your business unless they decide to share that with you. If you are choosing to share your suffering with another human, have enough respect to allow them to process and feel however they do, without judgment or assumptions or doctrine.
Even professionals falter or need a break sometimes. Really. Therapists and doctors and besties and boyfriends and wives. Every single human will hear stuff that brings them to their knees or irks them and maybe it’s because of the content or maybe they’ve had a day or maybe shit has built up and they are just at their point.
When we interact with other people, we should be mindful of the fact that they are just that, people. We shouldn’t have expectations that they will be a rock or robotic. We should allow them to be who they are and feel what they want to feel and say what they want to say. Your suffering is yours and yours alone and thus, theirs is theirs alone, as well.
We are all entitled to feel what we feel. You don’t get to dominate the entire spectrum of emotions just because you are going through shit. This is where you really start to take ownership of your life and your behavior. This is where it all comes together.
Your harm may or may not impact those around you. Their feelings about it is inconsequential to your experience. No one else is directly responsible for your suffering outside of you. You may not have control over other people’s behavior, but you can ultimately control the breadth and tenure of your suffering. You may not feel better if you share your suffering with others. Or you may feel better. Either way, let those people you share with respond and react in a way that feels best for them. Don’t own their experience as part of yours.
We good?
Have an amazing weekend. Talk next week. This babe needs a few days of rest.
Xo
L.
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