I think we spend a lot of time navigating the bumpy terrain that is human connection. I know we do. That’s all I really talk about here, and I’ve never really run out of material. I’ve revisited certain topics due to the subjectively assigned level of importance, but never have I been stumped in the category of what next.
It’s not surprising, then, that I came to a specific realization last night. Ready for it? People make me anxious. They do. In the most general and broad-sweeping way possible. I think a lot about my interactions with others, both in meaningful and insignificant ways. I want to share some of my internal dialogue/running narrative so you can connect or understand:
I shouldn’t have said that
Why is she so mad?
Is he telling the truth?
That sounds strange
I want to know more but I feel like I can’t ask
I’m never responding to that
I want to reach out but I feel like it won’t be received well
She’s so judgmental
He doesn’t care
This is just a drop in the bucket. There is an endless cycle of reconsideration and analysis and hesitation that goes on regularly. It’s exhausting. I want to put a stop to it, but often, I feel powerless to do so. Admitting that feels lame, but if we aren’t honest, I’m not sure what hope there is to change anything.
I want to offer a disclaimer, which I loathe, but it’s relevant. Mostly it’s necessary to share because it provides valuable insight into the rinse and repeat cycle in my head. I don’t believe that my thoughts are THE thoughts. I’m not under some misguided impression that everyone, or even anyone, should think or act as I do. However, that awareness or understanding does not stop me from feeling scared or annoyed or disappointed.
This morning, I offered pushback to a suggestion made by my mother. My response was impulsive and emotional. I was frustrated by behavior I had witnessed and when she offered a work around, well, I lashed out. When I acted a fool and voiced my disapproval or displeasure, she offered that she saw what I was referring to but was coming at the problem from a different angle and honestly, with a good deal more hope and faith that I have.
She acknowledged the shitty behavior that was spinning me out but was encouraging a move away from the classic crash and burn. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just take a step back and see if things can be done in a different way. I didn’t say this to her, but what I was thinking was ‘what if that doesn’t work, what then?’ Along the same lines, I didn’t offer the observation that further disappointment in connection with this very specific situation would likely spin me out. I was already feeling yucky about all of it. Further evidence of people not giving a shit about each other might just be my tipping point where there is no coming back.
That’s not true though. Not really. I’ve suffered grievously at my own hand and as a result of others’ behavior and never have I ever just thrown in the towel. But, still, I was worried about the impact. I know that I’m feeling more sensitive lately. Something about this overarching vibe of apathy and anger and fuck everything that’s floating around in the world at large has manifested into the shape of a lead balloon sitting on my chest. So then, the first challenge is shifting how I am feeling so that I can better assess what is going on around me and where I feel compelled to effect meaningful change.
It is really important to own it when we are feeling crappy. We have to understand that our overall feelings color how we approach and respond to our environment and our people. If you start out with dark skies, it’s unlikely you’ll be spitting out sunshine and rainbows.
So, what? Well, the first step is me admitting that I am likely not in a position to see things clearly because I am coming at everything from a bottom rung. I would either have to do the work to shift my analysis to account for this or wait until things are feeling a bit sunnier. In this case, I’m not sure when the rain clouds are going to completely clear, so the best option seems to institute a sort of handicapping like they use in golf. I could adjust my perspective based on my standard thought process and the world view.
Before we get to that, there are times when we don’t know how long we are going to take to process, but waiting is still the best option. When the stakes are too high, like with work or an incredibly important personal relationship, it’s best to take the pause. At a minimum, action can wait until things are better, even if they aren’t quite at 100%. If you absolutely cannot lose, don’t roll the dice.
I actually want to wait to dive into the self-adjustment instruction because it’s pretty massive. Plus, I think we don’t always know what a ‘cannot lose’ situation is and so I want to wrap up by diving into that pool.
Ultimately, it’s lovely to imagine a place where we are self-sufficient and the people and situations in our life enrich us but will not necessarily make or break us. That sounds great, but it’s not real. So many of us have gotten to the ‘fuck my job’ place but then we’re like ‘oh shit, I actually need my job (at least until I find another one). A relationship that we are in may have a trickle-down effect on kids or other relationships (friendships, extended family, etc.), so even if we are ‘done’, we may not be prepared for the full fall-out. There are plenty of times when we know we can navigate the discomfort of mess, but we may not be prepared for how upset the apple cart is and what that looks like for us.
It is detrimental to think through everything and then, be brutal with how it might make you feel. Don’t be kind to yourself here. Dig down and get really gritty with it all. If you lie to preserve the appearance of a thing, you are going to end up in a worse place, because you’ll have your regular ol’ reaction and then the place where you judge yourself for not knowing better.
Just show yourself the kindness of being real. That’s all I’m saying.
x
L.
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