I told you that I would get into what it’s like to self-regulate or adjust your view when the situation warrants it. This can be so fucking hard because the first thing we have to do is strip away our ego. As we all know, the ego is a powerful and also, fragile thing, so setting it aside is terrifying and tough. Why do we have to do this? Well, our egos are the parts of us that are connected to being right. Our egos tell us that we respond in the right way at all times. Our egos justify our behavior.
There are times that are egos help us to self-regulate, but most of the time, we are suspended in a place where we can do no wrong. This doesn’t make anyone a bad person. At all. If we constantly thought we were fucking everything up (some of us do), we’d never really do anything. So, if we are moving at all, it’s because something within us is prodding us. Little teeny pushes. You got it. Go ahead.
When we strip away our ego, we go from ‘I can do no wrong’ to ‘I have something to learn, maybe’. Just a small concession. Not ‘everything I do is wrong’ but, a little admission that helps with the pause and the reevaluation.
In the context of the example I brought up earlier, a good move is to take into account my mother’s perspective (as a human that’s lived longer and had greater experience in the area we were attempting to navigate) and then also the end goal. I know that she too shares my frustration, but is also trying to explore opportunities or openings. She’s attempting to salvage a situation, if you could call it that. And the goal? If I determine that there is ONLY one way to get there, I’m fairly certain I’ll never ever get there. Reality tells me that there are usually many ways to cross a bridge.
I can still feel bummed by what I am witnessing but I can couch those feelings of disappointment against the backdrop of what could be. I know that the end might still present that let-down, but at least I will have tried everything before accepting defeat. Throwing in the towel straight away would likely lead to regret. One can endlessly cycle through the possibilities rather than the realities, you know?
None of this means that I have to be the one to do the thing we were discussing. I can just feel gracious about my mother doing it and withhold my judgment or appraisal of the situation until it plays out in its entirety. That’s a novel idea, no?
I know I’m speaking rather generically in an attempt to protect the people involved in the situation I’m managing with mom. So, I think we should explore a more specific situation so as to get into the weeds a bit.
I might confuse matters because I am going to use a professional example, but that little fact is somewhat immaterial in the scheme of things.
Okay, so I have a colleague who is lazy. He seemingly gets away with murder. Quite literally. He is never around, he is unresponsive, he is frustrating as fuck to deal with on a regular basis. I want to respond with venom when we engage, but a friend and fellow co-worker suggests that I don’t allow that level of emotion into the equation. When she first makes this suggestion, I feel irate. But then, I hear her out. She isn’t condemning me for feeling the way I do, but pointing out that such a response could be used against me. I might appear out of control or like I’m overreacting. The end result that I desire, which is allowing others to view his incompetence, will actually never come to light. I will be the center of attention. The story will not be spun around his neglect and lack of energy towards his work product but rather, my over-the-top response. Objective participants won’t have any understanding as to the background or legacy issues.
The truth is, people rarely dig deep to understand why things go down the way they do. They look, they assess, they judge. That’s the whole bit. So, we if we want to propel things in a certain direction, it behooves us to really process that fact pattern.
So, what do I do? Well, I heed my friend’s advice. I don’t engage. I don’t respond. I don’t assist. I don’t snap back. I just allow things to sit as they are and that in itself highlights his misstep. Now, nothing really magical is going to come out of this one instance, but if I am patient, over time, there will be a clearer view of his bullshit. But, that cannot happen if I am consistently blocking the scene with my tirades.
Sometimes we have to ask the question, what would a completely removed and reasonable person do in my shoes? How would they respond and react? How would they manage? This is easier said than done, but it just makes things better.
Not only do you allow someone to show the world who and what they really are, but you give yourself a real chance to not internalize the poison that is that kind of anger.
There’s another struggle bus moment in all of this that I have to share with you. You have to be willing to accept that sometimes people get away with shit. It’s their karma, not yours. Try not to attach yourself to the notion that you are singularly responsible for righting that wrong. Just let it go.
It is not my job to teach other people how to do things. I mean really, who the fuck do I think I am. I can believe what I want and behave the way I want to, but those aren’t hard and fast rules for anyone other than me. Right? Sorry. That shouldn’t have been a question. It’s a statement. You might think you are super chill, but I guarantee you that some part of you, no matter how bitty, imposes your view of things on the people around you. I get it. It’s so human. We are built on a set of values and feelings and thoughts and all the good stuff. It’s our infrastructure. It holds us up. When we are challenged by someone who flies in the complete opposite direction, we fear the strength of our infrastructure. Rather than fortifying our structure through healthy means, we seek to destroy that which challenges us.
Nah. Do better.
Anyway, sit with that for a moment…
x
L.
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