I wanted to end this week with a punch. In some rather significant ways, I feel like I’ve rambled quite a bit. I feel so passionate about this topic and it was hard for me to get my thoughts out on paper in a way that translates or maybe that is understandable. This is so, so major though.
Let’s go back for a moment to the first day I started this discussion. I was recounting some of the thoughts that cycle through my head in my interaction with other humans. I was trying to demonstrate how deeply challenging it is for me to engage with the world. I think something and I say it and then I spend time thinking about what I’m going to say next or worrying about how someone is going to respond to what I say. I think most of us do this, but it’s just a matter of how we do it and on what level.
I bet some of you are a lot like me where you get stuck quite and bit and then for others, it’s just a little blip on the radar. Barely anything. It doesn’t really matter though. I mean, it does and it doesn’t. Either way, we all stumble. Either way, we all have to find our way back up. What’s even more challenging is that for some of us, we don’t feel the full effect of something until much further down the road. We think we’ve moved past a particular experience and then BAM we get knocked right down again. You know what that means, right? That means that we haven’t quite figured things out yet.
Don’t get discouraged and don’t give up. I know sometimes the temptation is to pull away and give up. Plenty of people do that. They might isolate themselves completely or perhaps they cycle through relationships, giving people up for some time and then coming back to them again. I think a lot of us feel like we are very unique in the way we respond to matters, but then when we share our experiences, we find similarities that blow us away.
I’ve recently had the opportunity to grow closer with someone I work with and I feel grateful for that. I was overthinking the other day (as per usual) and contemplating whether we were actually friends or just folks who were thrown together in terrible circumstances. Like, if our shitty experience was someone removed from the equation, would we still find a kinship. Once I took a beat, I was actually angry with myself for thinking this way. The pain we have both experienced lately certain allowed us to find each other in a significant way, but it is not the end all be all. We were just two ships lost in a storm who bumped into each other. For that reason, we were able to give each other support and advice. We were able to help each other stand up tall. We were able to cry and scream and rage and lose it. BUT, we weren’t bound by our pain. We were only brought together by our pain. In fact, I find myself wanting her relief as much as I want my own. I want her to thrive and be happy the same I would want that for myself. I look forward to a day when we have happier and better things to commiserate over. That is my deepest wish.
So, yeah, I was overthinking. I wasn’t just overthinking in the way where we are insecure about our friendships. I was overthinking in the way where I doubt others connection to me. I fear that there has to be some specific reason why they are drawn to me and I fundamentally think that once that thing has disappeared, they will no longer be interested in the connection. That’s a very real fear that I have.
My first go- to move when I feel that way is to overcompensate with the person. I might reinforce that we will be friends no matter what. Of course, this is a silly concept. We may not be friends no matter what and even if we would be, me speaking those words aloud doesn’t necessarily preserve anything. Somehow I think if I give voice to every single fear and worry, then I will be able to make it nice. Preserve status quo.
No. That’s not the way to deal with these things, or so I’ve learned. I mean, I think it’s good to voice insecurities from time to time. It’s nice to be able to share with someone that you fear a certain thing. Speaking it will sometimes takes the bigness out of a thing. Outside of that, there is not necessarily a solution in the revelation. Well, not the one to someone else anyway. That’s the catch. I just let it slip out. You need to allow yourself to absorb the reality of your fears. Don’t talk yourself out of it, or start the phrase with “I know it’s dumb but….” Rather, just allow yourself to own all the things that make your skin crawl or your belly hurt.
I couldn’t do this for a really long time because I was too busy trying to prove that I was the cool, unflappable girlfriend/friend/sister/daughter. I wanted to be the person who was unbothered by nearly everything and actually, I was the person who was bothered by everything. So, what to do? Well, speaking my truth to others (while valuable) didn’t make anything go away, but when I owned my shit, it started to diminish in impact and importance. I was able to more clearly see the path away from all the things that hurt me. It doesn’t mean I was ready to stay on that path. It simply means that I was ready to see it for what it was/is…a path towards something more peaceful than what I have.
That’s the last part that I want to share with you for today. That’s the real rub. I think a lot of us, even those of us who claim otherwise, thrive off some of this drama. We are so used to living in that space that we can’t imagine it doesn’t exist. You know what I’m talking about. This is when we claim a man/woman is just too nice to be true (I mean, they can be, but maybe they are just no bs). This is when we self-sabotage. This is when we look for things to shake everything up again.
Just sit with the peace for a moment. Know that people generate anxiety. Know that you only have control over yourself. Know that people are fickle. Know that you have to admit where you are getting stuck. Know that all of these things just make you undeniably human.
Talk soon-ish.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 