Sorry. I know. That was rude. Another cliffhanger. It had to wait. Did you wait, though? Or did you spend some time contemplating what next? Well, let’s discuss.
You’ve gotten to the end of the little exercise triggered by a nonfat chai tea latte, and discovered that time and life experiences had hardened you to where you don’t really enjoy much. It is a huge undertaking to try and break down why you feel that way and I deeply encourage you to get into every nook and cranny. However, you have to pick a place to start and that’s what I’m going to talk about for a minute.
I think to understand how we became a person that we don’t really care for, we need to pretend to be the person we do. That sounds fucking crazy, right? Well, not really if you consider that the change was actually a move away from who you want to be. Right? You started somewhere and then something pushed you or forced you in a different direction. So, maybe the best thing to do is get a taste of where you started to remember why you kept going and ended up “here”.
What does this mean in a real way? Well, I decide that I’m going to put on an outfit that makes me happy, not one that is prescribed by my age bracket and existing trends. Then, I take a day off and go to the beach. Or, I have a glass of wine by myself at a beautiful restaurant. Or, I call an old friend and talk about utter nonsense. Or, I read a trashy book or I watch a silly movie. I do things that spark joy. I engage in activities that take me back to the person I remembered and was seemingly resentful of when I decided to look back.
Do I enjoy those activities when I am participating in them NOW? Is there something that feels familiar? Is there something that feels new? Does it feel good or bad? Am I truly enjoying myself or do I feel like it is all a giant waste of time? I know this sounds ridiculous, but what I’m talking about right now is THE STUFF. When we loathe who we have become, we need to understand why that is and what we want to change into, if that’s even possible. Oh, spoiler alert, it’s always possible. We might have to revise and adjust based on actual life considerations (like if you have little ones to attend to, or a job that sucks up a ton of your time), but there is always a way when there’s a will.
Hanging off the last rung of the ladder doesn’t mean that there is no hope and you’ve bottomed out. You know what I’m going to say here, right? Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me. There is room to step. That’s all. It’s going to be a shit ton of work. You are going to have to figure out how to climb again. More than that, you are going to have to sort out where you want to prop your ladder based on where you want to be when you get there.
I know a lot of people who spend a lot of time hating themselves and what their lives have become, and they talk about it, freely and often. They share with me rather consistently all the things that trouble them about their existence. Their sentences start with ‘I wish’ or ‘I miss’ or ‘I need’. They talk about running out of time and not have options and not having a plan and not being happy. They will often share how everyone around them seems to have figured it out and they are woefully behind the eight ball. I’ve been there, but I’m not there now and so, I just find this whole bit sort of tragic now.
I don’t judge. I get it. Like I said, I’ve been there. The trick is not staying there. At what point are you forced to shift from an endless diatribe about who you are to a recitation of the things you are going to do to move into something new and different? I’m going to talk next week about our narratives again, our stories, so I don’t want to do that right now. I am just trying to tell you that shit gets old. You can only blame your current existence on everything and everyone else for so long.
You may not be able to have the life that you envisioned at one point. I am not going to every tell you that you can manifest a life partner or a better job or success at a hobby. That sounds great and I love the idea, but it’s pretty far from reality. You know what you can do? You can look at WHO you want to be, and figure out in a very realistic and meaningful way, how you might get there. The good news is that this journey has very little to do with anyone else. There is no boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife or pet or plant or job who is going to make you into who you want to be. If that were the case, every single person who has those things would be right as rain. This is purely an inside job. That’s the start and end to it all.
Okay, I’ve motivated you into a lather at this point I imagine. You are either bored or pissed off or ready to carpe. I kind of hope it’s the last bit, but I understand all parts of it, because I’ve been there.
I want to wrap up today by introducing the concept of the other. That’s the perspective of the song, right? Well, that’s my interpretation anyway. Someone looks at us and can’t believe what we’ve turned into. Maybe we’ve actually changed into someone different or perhaps it’s like I’ve spoken about before, they are just seeing us for real for the first time. They had held a version of us that wasn’t real and now, they are seeing us in all our glory. Either way, it doesn’t much matter.
Just like we can’t shape our lives based on external sources, we shouldn’t really change ourselves FOR external sources. You can feel motivated by the observations of or interactions with others, but my suggestion is that you only do the work to change if you feel compelled to do so. If it’s for another person or thing, it won’t stick. That much I promise you.
x
L.
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