My parents recently invited me to join them for an event. If you’ve been around here for a while, you know that I think the world of the people who brought me into being. I’m not just grateful because they did so. It’s more than that. They are wonderful to me. Generous, loving, compassionate, and supportive. I don’t just hang out with them by default, it’s by design. It’s my choice. Some of my very best moments have resulted from hang time with the parental units. I’m lucky that way, and I’m aware of my good fortune, and I offer gratitude to the universe on a near daily basis for that.
So, when my parents ask me to do something, I don’t just want to in order to please them, but because I know, without question, it will be a treat for me. Except that, in this one instance, they were asking me to do something that I didn’t think would be that scenario. I don’t want to get into great detail, to protect those involved, but sufficed to say, it wasn’t my cup of tea.
There were two elements at work that were pulling me towards a ‘no’, as follows: (i) I felt a bit of an ‘on principle’ situation, and (ii) I was feeling insanely beat up from a very long and incredibly draining week. You might be thinking that with two compelling reasons on the side of ‘no’, it would be easy for me to politely decline. It wasn’t. It isn’t. There are far more reasons why I was riding the struggle bus than there were facts supporting my declination.
I already mentioned that I adore my parents and spending time with them. I also don’t care to disappoint them in any way. This is not because they have unfair or taxing expectations of me, at all. To the contrary. They’ve always accepted me for me, and thus, I never want to be the cause of pain or sadness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not arrogant enough to believe that my lack of presence would bring the house down or anything. I just know that I was invited by whole and willing hearts.
That understood, my parents are cool as shit and DO accept me for who I am, so when I ran the possibility of my ‘no’ by them (yes, I had to, because of ME), they were very much ‘you do you’ and ‘we just want you to be happy’ and ‘of course, we won’t be disappointed’. I still felt that tug in my belly though. That ‘be the good girl and do the right thing’ tug. That thing that drives many of us to make decisions that put others’ happiness and comfort in front of our own. Shame, but it’s there. I’m working on it all the damn time, I mean we are talking about it, but still…it lurks.
This ties directly to the principle of it all. Why should I make effort with people who make absolutely no effort with me? If I’m exhausted, why should I force myself to rally for the sake of those who never seem to care about my existence on this earth, let alone my well-being? Why should I do for others what would clearly never be reciprocated in the reverse scenario? Well, because I don’t want to be ‘like them’. I don’t want to stoop. I don’t want to mirror behavior that makes me uncomfortable for the sake of it. I don’t want to deny or sever a connection just because the other side of that linkage doesn’t want to make the effort.
Wait a second. Let’s stay on that last thought for a minute. Is that part true? Do I want to be the only person to put effort into a relationship? Are there relationships where we accept the fact that we will always be the person to push things along? Yes. There are. There are people worth fighting and sacrificing for, no matter what’s on the other side of the equation. In my case, and we are certainly all different, that list is very short. However, there is still a list. There are a few humans who mean so much to me, that I do the work that they are unable or unwilling to do.
It’s important that I mention that when it comes to these folks, they seem to celebrate our connection. In other words, the relationship is meaningful on both sides. I’ve spent a good deal of time exploring why then, they don’t put in the effort, but I’ve learned that this mental twister is the definition of an exercise in futility. Don’t bother. Or should I say, I don’t bother. They just don’t do it. They are built differently. But, my love is real and strong and my desire to have a relationship supersedes my frustration. Every. Single. Time.
However, that love and devotion is not extended to many and so, when faced with folks who put in no effort (and I do mean NO effort), I’ve learned to side line those relationships. Not to prove a point, mind you, because that doesn’t really work. It just doesn’t. More so because it serves me. I want to wrap up today by describing how I have felt or how I feel when I stick around relationships that have tremendous inequity. You may have experienced this in your life, or perhaps you haven’t. I think most of us have in one form or another. It’s a shitty feeling. It is. You feel overextended and insecure and vulnerable and unsure. There are a lot of caveats when you describe the relationship to others and you don’t really know where you stand. Like you might have a relationship or perhaps you don’t. There are often little pockets of anger, which is your real self, reacting to shitty behavior. Then there is guilt for feeling pissy in response to shitty treatment, because we always want to be better than that.
I do. I want to be the very best friend. I want to try until there is no trying left. You know what happens though? When we empty our cup fully for another person that doesn’t fill us up in return, we are just empty vessels. Sad, hollow, empty vessels. This is no way to live or to go about life. I think the worst part about the scenario I’m describing is that it doesn’t leave much energy for the good relationships that matter. We are always expending too much energy on those who don’t deserve it and then, there’s nothing left.
x
L.
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