I talked yesterday about the idea of acting out of some principle. I was fairly negative about this idea when I brought it up, and I think it’s important to correct that notion, because I don’t believe the concept to be altogether disastrous. Not even a little. I think we have to hold fast to the principles that we have on some level. I do. I think that when we use our principles as a guide post, we get closer to the type of moral consistency that brings with it contentment.
I know that might have seemed like a weird leap, so let me explain a little. When we stray from our principles in an effort to please others, I think we lose our way. You may have heard different expressions that address going over some moral or ethical line? Like, if you walk too far on the other side of your line, there is a chance that you won’t be able to see it as clearly at some point.
We can take an obvious example here and then move onto something a bit more subtle. Good? Well, what if a friend encourages you to shoplift? I’m not talking about slipping a lipstick into your purse as is prevalent in nearly every teenage angsty show or movie ever made. Nope. I mean like you are food shopping and then tell you to put a case of water on the rack underneath the shopping cart. They mention that the individual checking folks out rarely notices when items are placed there. If they notice the water and scan it, fine, and if they don’t, free water.
This sounds benign to you in concept. You rationalize this behavior any one of a million ways. Your friend does this and you’ve always thought them to be ethically upright. The food store makes a jillion dollars, so what’s one less case of water? There’s a possibility that they will catch the water on that lower rack and scan it and then the analysis is effectively moot. If they don’t catch the water there, isn’t it really their fault and therefore, not your responsibility?
Maybe you think that this idea sounds shitty. Perhaps because you think it’s the wrong thing to do or maybe it’s because you are afraid of getting caught. Enter more rationalizing behavior. Everyone does this, obviously, as your ‘good’ friend is suggesting that you get involved. Also, if you get caught, there is always the mea culpa move. You completely forgot that the water was on that bottom rack. Out of sight, out of mind. Right? So, win, win?
Not quite. But it doesn’t matter. Your brain and heart are doing a shit ton of work to bring this decision closer to the line you’ve drawn in mental sand. Sure, there are some folks that think that the idea is shitty and illegal and rude, but then, there are a good number of folks that will find as many creative ways as possible to justify.
Even if you say no this time, there is a possibility that your line has already shifted. You’ve gotten more comfortable with the notion that behavior like your friend’s is “normal” and so, things are already beginning to look different. You know what that looks like? Well, if someone asks you to do something similar, you might still think that it’s not cool, but your bottom line or bar has moved. Now you think, ‘well, that’s not great, but it’s not like stealing a case of water from the supermarket’. See? Sneaky, sneaky, right?
I know you may not believe me right now. You might be reading this and thinking that this is NEVER you. You would never ever be that person. You have a strong as shit moral compass and you don’t compromise. That may be true. I don’t doubt that. Or maybe your line shift presents in different ways.
You tell yourself that you don’t care to gossip. You aren’t holier than thou, but something about it doesn’t feel great. If you’re being honest, you also wonder if participating in such behavior doesn’t open you up to being the subject of it at some point. You don’t feel like chastising those who gossip because that feels inappropriate and even a little rude, but you decide that you are going to carefully and meaningfully extricate yourself from interactions that go in that direction.
Then, you are chatting with a friend and they start to gossip about someone you loathe. I mean really. Someone who has been awful to you. You tell yourself that you don’t want to gossip, but also, if you were going to gossip, this would be the situation under which you might make an exception. The person you are gossiping about would NEVER think about your feelings in any situation, so what’s the harm? Plus, you are positive that the subject of the gossip is already gossiping about you, so….
Are you starting to see what I mean? This is just a little example. There are so many ways in which we commit to ourselves and our set of values and then give ourselves permission to drift. Sometimes the movement is major and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes there is infinitesimal movement such that we can barely detect it. Does it matter then? Yes, and also, no. It all depends on how much movement you engage in from an aggregate perspective. That’s the tricky part about all of this. Your actions aren’t really meant to be considered as stand alone. Rather, each time you compromise, you step away from your line. Period, end of story. It could be water at the supermarket, gossip, diet, work ethic, anything. It’s not about the thing, it’s about what you’ve given yourself permission to participate in. You’ve given yourself a pass and thus, you’re in the clear (sort of, not really).
I’m going to wrap up today with a strange thought, but I feel passionate enough to share it. This concept I am sharing is why I don’t believe extreme diets or cold turkey relationship decisions work. In those scenarios, we are not carefully considering and then making thoughtful decisions. We are doing the opposite. We are moving the line out of our field of vision. We have committed to a place of resistance and rejection, not acceptance and rationalization. What’s my point? Well, like all good things that we fight for, if we want to be successful in our decision making, we have to find a happy medium. I know, WHAT? Talk tomorrow.
x
L.
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