I ended yesterday’s post in a spot that might have felt out of left field for some of you. I understand. I recognize that it was a strange toss in, but I really wanted to bring that concept into the discussion, and so, I did.
The first part of the post, I described how we shift our moral line when we make exceptions. When we justify behavior that is outside of what we feel 100% comfortable with, we seek a way to feel ‘okay’ again, and that usually means changing what is ‘okay’.
At the very end, I spoke to some middle ground that may not have made sense without greater context or explanation. That’s what I’m here to provide. Right now, in fact. What I was suggesting is that we can’t always hold so tightly to the line that our rigidity handicaps us. Can’t isn’t the right word. I’m not here trying to tell you what to do and how to live your life. I don’t think we should. Better?
I think we need to be open to the possibility that as we age and have experiences and meet different people, our line might sort of organically shift. However, that shift, while natural, should also be known to us. We should be making decisions with a solid understanding that change means change.
I’ll give a silly example so that we can get on the same page. I tell myself that I will never date someone who doesn’t want a very serious committed relationship. I’m either fully in or fully out. I tell myself that compromising on this point is tantamount to lowering my value as a human, as a woman. Then I meet someone who isn’t relationship material, from my seat, but nonetheless, has a ton to offer. Sure, I have to consider the emotional implications and whether I am capable of keeping things more chill, but outside of that, I have to decide whether I’m willing to move away from this hard and fast rule that I’ve created.
Is it really that terrible if I decide to spend some time with someone in a lighter and less intense fashion? Can I just allow myself to have fun without expectations? Sure I can, but I first have to give myself permission. I have to move away from my line. How do I do that in a way that best serves me? Well, I don’t just forever shift. I think about it. I carefully consider what that person has to offer and whether my movement away from my ‘rule’ is worth it and serves me. Then, I create parameters for my exception. I know, this is starting to sound like an intense scientific or psychological experiment. It’s not, at all, but I also don’t believe that these things can be done willy nilly. That’s where we lose our line for good.
I ask myself under what circumstances I feel comfortable bending my rule. Does the fun outweigh the negatives? Will I still keep myself open to others who might have something more significant to offer me in the way of a relationship? Am I giving something up in the process that’s bigger than my ideals? Do I need to impose some time limit whereas once I get there, I will reevaluate or reconsider?
I know, this all feels like a lot of work. First of all, the description of the thing is more intense than just doing it. Secondly, I’ve learned that if we want to be successful at our relationships and in life, we need to take a beat to consider things fully. We can live impulsively, but I’ve found that nine times out of ten, that kind of behavior leads to heart arche and regret. Spontaneity is something altogether different. Impulsivity is where you decide to go all in with someone without considering what you really want and whether the decision to move forward lines up. Spontaneity is where you’ve already decided that moving forward works, and you decide to get together at the last minute, without a powerful and set-in-stone plan.
How does this circle back to the original story that I presented? Well, rather easily. If I decide that these folks (not my parents, but the other parties) are not on my ‘I’ll make the effort every single time’ list, then an adherence to my principles would tell me to immediately reject the plan altogether. If I move forward and commit to the plan out of allegiance to my parents or coming from some other place of misguided loyalty, then I’ll have haphazardly shifted my line. Next time I am presented with a similar offer with the same group or maybe even different people, I will tell myself that I’ve already done this in the past, so what’s the difference? No point in giving it any thought at all.
What if I take a hot minute to consider everything? I look at my potential enjoyment factor. Will I have fun? Well, my parents are always good people to be around, but what about the impact of this other crew? Is it possible that being around them will be a reminder of how little they give a shit about me? Or worse, it is possible that I will just feel awkward because so much time has gone by since last I saw them?
What if I decided to only go for a period of time? What if I decide that going for one drink or apps or dessert will check the box with my parents, and allow me to feel like I’ve done the right thing, but not entirely compromise my sense of self-preservation? What if I decide that no amount of time will make me feel comfortable? The truth is that it doesn’t matter. Whatever decision I make, the contemplation factor will enable me to feel like I’ve made a solid decision based in emotional consideration and some modicum of logic.
Again, impulsivity would be saying no because I feel annoyed with these people or yes because I adore my parents. Spontaneity is where I’ve carefully considered all the facts and then at the last minute, decide I feel like stopping by for a little while. Do the differences resonate with you at all?
The bottom line is that I think when it comes to our moral code and the decisions we make, we can’t afford to be to rash or thoughtless. We need to take the time to be a little bit more mindful. Understand that these decisions could happen in the span of ten to fifteen minutes, and who doesn’t have that kind of time? If you just responded or thought ‘me’, then here is my response: make the time.
x
L.
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