I think we have absolutely and totally explored the concept of principled decision making. That is not to say that we don’t have anything left to say (or that I don’t), but rather, that we have enough information to apply to the situation I’m speaking of. What’s left? Well, I would like to touch on the second part of my resistance. Believe it or not, I think that this bit is even more critical than your principles. What is it? Well, if you remember, I spoke to the fact that I had a long and draining week. I was exhausted. Spent. The idea of making plans with anyone at all felt trying and unappealing. And yet, I was considering pushing through those feelings.
Why? Well, because in general, most of us do very little to nurture ourselves. We are not really kind to ourselves, at all. This makes sense really, because many of us aren’t even kind to each other. This is also logical because we live in society where the idea of self-care has to be a mantra or a meme or a hashtag. This is not something that we automatically engage in. Rather, we need to make it a thing.
We celebrate the notion of self-care in its most basic and materialistic form. Look, I got a manicure. Look, I took a half day from work. Look, I got my hair done. Look, I took a bath. Great. Swell. Awesome. Lovely. You know what we don’t do though? We don’t think about self-care in the context of the decisions that we make. We look to external factors to nourish our physical or emotional being, but we rarely consider what we can do mentally to provide the same level of care.
Some of us are too busy putting the happiness of others in front of our own and others don’t even do that. That is to say that there are some folks who really never consider the contentment or peace factor when it comes to anyone, least of all themselves.
Why though? Well, I think a good number of us feel like we don’t really have any control over these things. I mean sure, we can make choices that will likely bring us joy, but generally speaking, the universe is going to dole out what it does, and that is that. Then, there are a whole bunch of humans who don’t really consider it at all. Like, it is what it is, right? Or they naturally assume that whatever they feel pulled towards, is likely the thing that will cause the greatest sense of peace.
That’s not true though, right?
Let’s take it back to my original example for a moment. I feel drawn to say yes to my parents. I feel a sense of loyalty and obligation. I want to be the bigger person, the better person. I want to try and foster a relationship, even if the other side of that equation is less willing or interested. Going to the event will check all of those boxes. Right? Well, except that my tiredness will be far from satiated. Not only will I be physically tired from schlepping from my house, but I will likely be emotionally exhausted from the effort required to be there. I mean, you know that’s true, right? I can’t just show up and chill. I’ll have to participate. I might even have to do some work to not make my sense of wonderment or frustration evident to those who were the triggers for any feelings of negativity.
I can tell you that I’ve often talked myself out of those very normal and very sort of perfect thoughts. I’ve told myself that I’m being immature or silly or selfish. I’m just whining when it’s really not that big of a deal. I start to compromise with myself. Sure, I’m tired, but I don’t have anything really significant until something later in the day the following day, so I’ll be able to rest up a little. I don’t want to be dramatic here, but I want to share with you that I think this is the equivalent of saying I’m going to give myself giant open sores today, but tomorrow I’ll likely be able to set aside some time for bandaging.
There are obviously times in life when we don’t really have a choice in the matter. There are definitely obligations where we want to perform this analysis and maybe even come to a different conclusion, but that would be inappropriate and for that reason, unlikely. That is why it is so critical to be thoughtful in those moments where we have the flexibility to do so. This is where we begin to impart a sense of balance in our lives. This is where we get to separate all the things that happen to us from all the places where we decide to move into a space. This is really the difference between surviving and thriving.
I know that sounds super fucking dramatic, but it’s true. I can say that because I’ve been there. A million times. I really mean that. I’ve had to suck it up and do things because there was really no getting around it, and when there are other bits where I have room to move, and I haven’t taken those steps, I’ve found myself feeling incredibly frustrated and hopeless. You might feel sort of dejected if life gives you an ass whooping anyway, so why not do everything in your power to avoid that particular scene?
I want to wrap up this week with a last thought that is connected in a really important way to this whole exercise. Sometimes we do everything I’ve suggested. We’ve carefully considered things and come to a certain conclusion. One that may not benefit others, but one that doesn’t hurt anyone and certainly, one that feels the best for us. However, we are still scared to share that opinion. We still have a sense of guilt. We are still worried about the impact. So, what do we do? We lie. We do. We fib. We have made our decision and we feel compelled to offer an explanation. We don’t think our explanation is great, so we decide to make something up that sounds better.
Does that always massacre the other party? No. It doesn’t. It will always hurt you in some fashion though and that’s the truth. You will always know that rather than owning your truth, you decided to fold. I know it can be really fucking hard. When in doubt, rather than lying, maybe try saying ‘no thank you’. Just a thought. This is a process. Start with making a good decision. Then, if you can’t do it this time around, the next occasion, see if you can be honest about that decision. You don’t need to offer up a whole story or rigamarole. Just a polite declination and maybe a ‘I don’t really want to’. Just a thought. One step at a time.
xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 