As I shared yesterday, I think I’ve always believed that every relationship is fixable. I think there is always some ground to find whereas two people find their groove. What if this is not the case though? What if you’ve outgrown another person? What if the circumstances that brought you together no longer exist and the absence of that tie crumbles the foundation on which your relationship stood? What if you’ve changed and what felt okay before, or even good, no longer feels that way?
I can share with you in the most transparent fashion that I hate admitting these things. Outside of the pure failure aspect of it all, but linked, is the jealousy. That’s right. I said it. I hate that other people are able to figure it out. Are they stronger than I am? More chill? How are they able to get past things that really irk them or rip their heart out? Well, some people are honestly not bothered. It’s their personality and their vibe and even the nature of the relationship. Others are completely thrown off but can’t seem to dig up the strength to change things. Some feel pissed off but then find a way to let go until the next round. They freak and then shrug their shoulders and dig right back in.
Everyone is different. What’s my point? Well, while it’s tempting to compare, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. You can desire someone else’s real or perceived “strength”, but to what end? I’m not saying you shouldn’t work on yourself. I mean gosh, this whole blog is about the work we need to do to grow. I’m saying that your soul growth should be yours and yours alone. I would strongly encourage using another human as a barometer. Mostly this is because we are all so different and capable of different things, in the best and worst ways. Also, because we don’t ever really know what a person is thinking or feeling. So we are essentially basing our shift off an assumption (and you know what they say about assumptions).
So, you have to do the work to figure this out for yourself and then, on top of that, you have to be able to move forward without judgment or criticism. I know that’s nearly impossible. I do. So, we have to just do the best that we can under the circumstances. It doesn’t have to be perfect. No one else even needs to know. This is your very personal journey and you should take it with that firmly in your head. You do you. Really.
I’m going to come back tomorrow with a very personal story, and the same for the next day, and then I’m going to wrap things up. So, for the rest of today’s little read, I want to talk about why it’s so painful to admit that a relationship might be over. We’ve talked about the difficulty in saying goodbye. That’s not what I’m talking about here. That’s what comes next. I’m taking about the actual admission that something no longer serves you. We’ve discussed that also, but it’s such a vast and important topic, that I’m going to revisit it.
I think that this is a subject that we have to come back to again and again. The truth is, whenever we are met with resistance, whenever we encounter the same issue with someone new, we tend to rethink our approach. It’s a little counterintuitive and yet this happens when things are really challenging for our souls. Typically, once we’ve overcome an obstacle, we use the same methodology we used to climb the mountain the first time around. Right? I’m running and a hill feels tough. I slow down and steadily climb the hill. Brilliant. I conserve my energy and bust up the hill to get through it faster and then catch my breath after. Awesome. I find a route that doesn’t include the hill so I avoid it altogether. Clever. There are a few different ways to handle the “problem”, so when I get to a new hill on another path, I employ one of the three coping strategies I’ve employed with success.
That’s not really how it works with soul work. I mean, sometimes it does, but mostly, it doesn’t. Mostly we feel stuck whenever we run into a similar challenge that we’ve already overcome. It might be that the relationship feels different. It might be that too much time has gone by and our resolve has waned. It could be that whatever strategy we used is no longer available to us in the same form. There are so many reasons, but I’ve often found that I get tripped up. I felt strong and resolved in my desire to protect myself and then something comes up with another friend, and I’m knocked on my ass. I immediately revert back to the quivering pile of solicitousness that I was historically.
Why does this matter? Well, when we run into the gooey stickiness that is the ‘this feels shitty but I’m not really sure what to do about it’, that’s where we need to consider things in a real way. That’s when we should be asking ourselves whether we need to employ a coping strategy or find a path to compromise, or finally throw in the towel.
I am not suggesting that when things get tough, you should just give up. I am saying that you should be selective with your energy. We have a finite amount on any given day and thus, we have to make choices where we spend it. This should not be a willy nilly exercise. You should actually choose where you want to plant seeds and water them and where you want to dig shit up and start over. I’m not going to dictate this to you, because there’s no way to make the determination for you. You truly have to sort it out for yourself. The good news is that I believe in you.
x
L.
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