What did I mean by more yesterday? Why isn’t someone’s best effort and intention just taken at face value? Well, because of the feelings underlying the effort and the authenticity of the intention. We don’t have to explore why someone might feel the way that they do, because we might never really understand (no matter what). So, my friend might want to fix things, not because she actually loves me and values our friendship, but because she doesn’t like things falling apart. The sentiment surrounding the connection is more important than the thing itself.
I can’t tell you that she doesn’t care about me. Not at all. I can tell you that on most days, I’m not sure. The way that she’s able to leave things and the way that she talks to me, makes me question what our friendship looks like in a vacuum. I’m unsure enough that it doesn’t feel good and it makes me deeply desire moving fast and furious in the opposite direction.
I had another situation that was similar, but also not, with a male friend. He didn’t call me difficult or our friendship hard. It was nothing like that. In fact, the only similarity is that I’ve begun reconsidering the friendship to determine what’s really there and how deeply I want to pursue the connection.
This other friend I’m referring to as been somewhat MIA as of late. He is in the middle of a rather serious courtship, so I’ve tried to extend some grace. I fully get that we can get wrapped up in something when it’s new, and particularly, when there are challenges to navigate in that other relationship.
So, I’m extended understanding and space. I’ve tried to keep a reasonable notion floating around my brain that the treatment is not the symptom of a broken friendship, but rather, a complicated time in this friend’s life. That could very well be true. In fact, I’m almost certain it is. What I have to ask myself is whether or not that is meaningful in the grander scheme of things. I have to know whether things will shift back once the dust has settled or whether things are irretrievably broken or whether they have always been amiss but I was too busy looking elsewhere to really take it all in.
I don’t want to get into the weeds of what happened, but needless to say, this person did something that made me feel entirely worthless. They were flippant about a situation where I wanted a bit more. Nothing dramatic and big. Just a little big more. When I broached the concept of my frustration, I was challenged. Not in a way that made me feel better about our friendship, but more in a fashion that made me question everything.
With this friendship, unlike the one I was talking about the day before, I only believe that a temporary step back is necessary. I understand that the momentary pause might lead to something more permanent but I know that right now, that isn’t the case. For the time being, I need to have room to navigate and respond and that room is found in the space I will create.
The situation that I somewhat described yesterday is a pure and simple example of irreconcilable differences. I am at an impasse with that particular friend and it is likely that the only way to move forward is to accept that things are no longer working. We likely need a full-on divorce.
As for the friend I’m telling you about today, I’m sure we need a separation. The separation might eventually lead to a divorce or we might resolve our differences and come back to together. I’m not entirely sure at the time I’m writing this. I only know that I’m not positive where I stand as a general rule, and so, closure isn’t warranted at this time. Only room to sort it all out.
Both of the situations I’ve described speak to irreconcilable differences. It’s simply that one situation may be healed with time and the shifting of circumstances, while the other situation is on life support and it’s not looking good.
I want to share something else with you. It’s very important that we don’t assign these labels or characterizations based on what’s easiest or more pleasant. I know that’s tempting. Trust me, I know it. But, when we do that, we aren’t often successful. Eventually the ugly shit rears its head and things have likely gotten uglier because time has passed and mess has topped mess.
I care very deeply for the person I was talking about yesterday. It’s incredibly painful for me to imagine giving in and letting our relationship fade away. I am forced to see this person from time to time and there is little escape emotionally or physically. While that matters, it shouldn’t inspire me to ignore my feelings and leave things as they are, at all. I care deeply for the person I’m talking about today, but the energy is different and so it’s somewhat easier for me to consider a different kind of reaction or response.
You know the really shitty part of all of this? I know in my heart that while I might hear from these people again if I backed up, it wouldn’t be a right away kind of situation. It would take some time. In fact, with the situation from yesterday, it might be a never thing. And, if they do touch base, it would be haphazard and no big deal, at all. They would pretend that there was never an issue and if I brought up any sort of issue, they would remind me that I was the one making things difficult.
What’s really awful is that as soon as they told me I was making things hard by calling out what had happened or where they had been, I became the bad guy. I allowed myself to be labeled as such. This would anger me. Why couldn’t I just be chill? Why can’t I just pretend like everything is fine and go back to the way things were? Why can’t I be easy that the rest of their lives?
Well, because I can’t, and that’s really okay. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to admit that you just can’t do it sometimes. It’s okay to let go but something isn’t your jam. You aren’t weak or misguided or anything of the sort. You are just being true to who you are and what you need and that is a beautiful thing.
x
L.
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