Hi. Sorry for the hiatus. I know that we still need to discuss how to do this. I mean, the movie was great and all, but we aren’t about to take our friends to court to divorce them, right? Sounds rather dramatic and honestly, likely easier than what actually has to be done. I don’t think you are going to like it when I describe what the work looks like here, but I also don’t know if you have a choice.
I mean, you always have a choice, but if you want to grow and make changes that enrich your soul, then you can’t choose to ignore the things that plague you. You just have to jump in with both feet.
I think we love the movies and television shows and books because when shit gets real, the drama of it all is romanticized. I mean, I told you how the movie was described. They (the proverbial “they”) called it a dramatic comedy. For me, the film wasn’t funny at all.
But I know there were elements meant to introduce humor. There were clever lines and faces and even over-the-top scenes that introduced all the things that should make people laugh. I didn’t find it funny for the reasons I cited, but also, because I know profoundly how difficult it is to really be in those situations.
Unless a relationship is pretty meaningless to another person, there aren’t many situations where you get to explain where you are coming from and someone is like “oh right, cool, love ya, good luck”. Right? They get pissed. It gets ugly. They are defensive and self-protective and angry and hurt. You are the same and also, afraid. Skittish. Maybe even wishy-washy.
This is why there are times when something has reached it’s natural end and rather than memorializing that point through a movie-style proclamation, we can just fade into black. We can just let something go where it’s naturally drifting too.
Take my friend from the first situation. I touched base to establish a teeny life line and received coldness and disconnection in return. Does that turn me off and make me regret my decision? Nope. It should, but it doesn’t. It exacerbates my deep desire to make it nice. I want to fix things so that we are back to where we started. I will pretend that I’m fine and I was never hurt, not by what happened and certainly, not by what was said. I will work my ass off to get us back to status quo. Of course, we will end up in the exact same spot at some point, but that doesn’t matter, right? Not at all. So long as I can make nice in the short term, that’s all that needs to be.
No. I mean sure, you can do that. I’ve done it for most of my life. I don’t recommend it though. You make habits out of the things that rip you to shreds. You didn’t create the problem, but now, you’ve decided to feed it. You are cultivating and growing the very thing that unravels you. Don’t. In the end, you’ll have yourself to blame and while accountability is critical, this feels mostly shitty.
The other friend, I threw out a lifeline and it was taken and then poof, nada. I could blame myself and speak to all the ways in which I miscommunicated and thus, caused this whole deal, or I could admit that what I originally felt was right on point. We need a break. A big one. A serious one. One that will result in soul searching and a reconsideration of our connection.
What am I saying? I fucked up. It’s okay. We are all human. We have flaws. I have flaws. I make mistakes. It’s whether or not we learn from them that really defines us. I am able to admit, without reservation, that I reverted back to the behavior that I’m most comfortable with at the end of the day. Even facing the rejection from each, in different ways, I still feel better in the way in which I acted than I would if I had done things differently.
Does that mean that I should keep on keeping on? No, that just reinforces the idea that soul growth work is really fucking uncomfortable. It’s painful and ugly. It makes our skin crawl. It makes us question absolutely everything. It’s yucky and disturbing and feels like putting on an ill-fitting shirt; one that’s too tight and too small and smells weird. Yup, I said it. It’s true.
The thing is that the shirt isn’t any of those things, not really. And once we have it on for a while, we can begin to see that, to feel it. Suddenly the shirt feels comfortable and cozy and familiar. It smells like our self-worth and confidence and all the love. That takes time though, and wear. We really have to wear it over and over again until we can see it differently.
I am not thrown off course by the notion that I regressed. Not at all. I give myself grace. I allow myself to be entirely human in the best way. I don’t tell myself ‘well done’ but I forgive myself. Okay, I did things in a way that I don’t love. I did things in a way that doesn’t serve me. That’s okay, I have time to do things differently. I just have to hold onto the way that it felt to execute in the same way that I always have before. I have to hang onto the feeling, not of reaching out, but of being rejected. I have to remember what it was like to be nudged back to reality.
We are not meant to be friends with everyone. We are not always meant to have a connection to people that is ever-lasting. Sometimes friendships (and relationship) change. Sometimes they end. Sometimes people change and sometimes a relationship is able to accommodate that morphing and other times, shit just falls apart. Sometimes fault is on both sides and sometimes it is one side and often it doesn’t matter. Sometimes there is no one to blame at all. Sometimes there is no way to resolve things any other way by moving away from it. That’s the truth. Sometimes we need to let go a little to save ourselves.
Sometimes saving ourselves looks like admitting that it’s not failing if there are irreconcilable differences. In fact, sometimes it’s quite beyond our ability to fix or change or rewrite. Sometimes shit is just broken and there’s nothing that we can do other than just make peace with its end. We can appreciate all the goodness that is brought into our life and then we can kiss it up to a higher power and feel okay that it’s no longer with us for all the good reasons. That’s just it. There is no winning in this life thing. I know, I’m dropping this on you right before I sign off. It’s an important message, so I wanted it to make a last-minute splash. There is no winning. We are all just moving through. We are all just surviving. Bring yourself joy. Live it up. Give yourself space to figure it out. If you fuck it up, you haven’t lost, you’ve created an opportunity.
Sit with that.
Happy Monday…
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 