I had an intention to write to another prompt today, but then I was moved in a different direction. I’m going to keep the impetus for this shift quiet for now, to protect the people who are involved, who happen to be very dear to me.
Needless to say, the conversation I had that inspired this post got me thinking about sensitivity. I’ve been a sensitive person my whole life and thus, my reaction to the conversation was twofold: (i) compassion for the individual suffering and (ii) a keen awareness of my own experience with it.
I was first inclined to call it an affliction and then stopped myself and then questioned why I was halting. Ah, the perils of sensitivity. Brutal circular reference, do you see?
I’ve spent most of my life being a highly sensitive person, which meant apologizing often for “being too sensitive” and then just generally navigating the murky and rough waters that flow beside and around a sensitive human. This, of course, includes feeling things “too deeply”.
If this is a foreign concept for you, I read a great article last year that shared the following traits or characteristics of highly sensitive people:
· Avoiding violent movies or TV shows because they feel too intense and leave you feeling unsettled
· Being deeply moved by beauty, either expressed in art, nature, or the human spirit, or sometimes even a good commercial
· Being overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like noisy crowds, bright lights, or uncomfortable clothing
· Feeling a need for downtime (not just a preference), especially when you have hectic days; needing to retreat to a dark, quiet room
· Having a rich and complex inner life, complete with deep thoughts and strong feelings that go with it
Scott, E. (2020, Sept. 18) Greenhouse, S. (2020, July 30). What Is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? verywell mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393
I know this might be tough to wrap your brain around if you are outside of this circle. Hell, it might be a challenge to comprehend even if you are sensitive, but not in a significant way. Would it surprise you if I shared with you that I hit every bullet point? Every. Single. One.
Have you ever seen someone quietly melting down over a leaf blower? Are you the only other person on the planet who will not and cannot watch Squid Game? Are you repeatedly asked to turn a damn light on when FaceTiming?
Yeah. I do. I am. It happens.
I know our societal go-to is to eyeroll at this moment. I’m asking you to take a beat first. This is not about political correctness. This is not about minding your words in a way that is quite frankly, absurd, and not helping anyone, anywhere. This is about recognizing that there are some people who are built differently. They see the world differently and they feel things differently.
I can tell you that half the shit people are in a snit about these days I find completely ridiculous. I don’t want to undervalue anyone’s personal feelings, but I also think it feels very teensy weensie small picture and not at all the work that needs to get done to move the much bigger and heavier needle. It’s a blindfolded walk through a field of tall, blooming minutia. Anyway, I digress. I’m just trying to differentiate between that nonsensical revolution and the real challenge of meaningful sensitivity.
Do I think that we all need to change as humans to accommodate those of us (moi) who are more sensitive? No. Absolutely not. But also, yes. A good example is what I just pointed out to you. We’ve grown awfully comfortable as a society throwing people into giant buckets. These buckets are mostly determined by purported or assumed political affiliation (insert whatever derogatory word that trolls use today), but there are also gender buckets, race buckets, religion buckets, and so on and so forth.
We are quick to write someone’s feelings off by using generalizations and a heaping spoonful of ‘get the fuck over it’, but often times, it’s not that simple. I’m not suggesting that you start tip toeing around people. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do with someone who is too sensitive is to end a friendship or relationship. Yup, you heard it here first. If you are incapable of managing the relationship in a way that doesn’t crucify that human (ain’t no shame in the game), then consider why you are sticking around and what that relationship is doing for you, and them. Here’s an extra bonus fact: a highly sensitive person is often embarrassed by their responses or reactions and feel “abnormal” so they will usually stick around as a mechanism by which they prove they are a-okay. In other words, they aren’t giving up, so you might have to.
I was today years old when I stopped feeling outrageously shitty about my hypersensitivity. Sort of. Kind of. Okay, maybe I’m not 100% of the way there, but I have gotten to the place where I leave if something feels relentlessly challenging in the worst kind of way. I have also learned when to share how I’m feeling and when to work through my feelings with a more ‘internal process’ approach in mind. That’s over four decades of fumbling and stumbling and heart hurt. A fucking boat load of pain and confusion and frustration.
That’s the real tough part of this whole business. You feel bad because of how you are built, your DNA, and then you self-punish because you feel bad. It’s bad on top of bad. Yuck. So I can’t always control how I feel, but I’m getting a real handle on how to react and how to engage with others in consideration of my feelings. So yeah, that’s progress.
What does any of this have to do with you, particularly in light of my above suggestions? Well, I think we could do a better job at not massacring people for having feelings about things, in the most general way. I think we can give each other a little more space to feel without fear of judgment.
You know my usual caveats, so I don’t need to get too deep here, but feelings aren’t okay when they promote or support violence or discrimination or racism or sexism or any of the isms. I’m just saying, if we stop attaching a stigma to people feeling real feelings, and start respecting everyone’s right to their feelings, things might just open up a bit. We might all just feel a little better (see what I did there?).
I would love to be able to change the world for me, for you, and mostly, for the individual who sparked all of these thoughts in my brain. I can’t though. I can’t make everyone be nice or open-minded or respectful. I can’t force everyone to treat others with some modicum of dignity. I can’t push people to do the work to discern between real feelings and those conjured for the purpose of instigation and confrontation. I can only put a thought into the universe. An idea. A wish. It would just be nice, the kindness. The room we would give each other. The space to feel.
Anyway, enjoy the small space that is the weekend.
Talk soon.
x
L.
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