I used to think when I was in trouble
Someone would come in right up on a white horse
And come sweep me up of my feet
That’s what I used to think, but I don’t think that no one desire to just found
My own life lies to save, to save, to save me for someone else
I don’t need no hero, don’t waste ’em on me
I’ll rescue my own self, I’ll set myself free
‘Cause in my story I save me
In my story I save me
I’m always around and I won’t let me down, I’m my me
In my story I save me
Bad shit happens, I’ll get me through it
I’m the one who can do it, I’m the one who can heal me
I’d be my own God in the dark
Gets my own broken heart, put back my own broken pieces
When I come…
I save, I save, I save me all by myself
-Diane Warren & Marren Morris, I Save Me
I’ve been kind of spotty as of late, right? I am not going to apologize but I am going to explain that I’ve been under water at work and also, I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been thinking about what I want to bring to the table here, what I want to do with my writing going forward, how I want to shape this thing I’ve created, whether or not it even matters.
I’ve also been dealing with friend drama and life stuff and I’ve been running headfirst into many a crossroad. None of this is bad. It is necessary. It’s the shit that promotes soul growth and major life changes. The good kind. Yes, I’m aware I didn’t call it the happy kind or the easy kind. Just good. It’s really fucking hard and heart wrenching, but it’s worth it. Unquestionably.
Anyway, I was thinking about Thanksgiving coming up in just a day or so (holy shit) and how badly I want to convey something heartfelt and meaningful on this page. As you know, I’m big on gratitude and so, this post has to be chockful of appreciation. HAS TO. You know, spirit of the holiday and all that shit.
That’s not too hard. I’m a pretty grateful person generally speaking. I have an incredible support system. So much so that when things go off the rails, navigating seems feasible. Again, not simple, but manageable. I am gainfully employed and I have the ability to put food on my table, reside in a home I own, and drive my very own car (ish) to work. I wear weather appropriate and lovely clothing, adorn myself with jewelry, and treat myself once a week, or more, to a delicious cup of coffee from a local shop. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I have abundance and an awareness of such, in every way that matters.
I actually thought to do just that…ramble off a list of all the things I’m grateful for this season. That idea feels particularly timely given the sad state of the world these days. What better time to count your blessings than when the world is at each other’s throats and a lot of shit is fundamentally broken, right? There’s a lot of ‘well thank goodness for that/them/him/her/it’ moments.
However, it wasn’t until I had a conversation with a friend that the true focus of this post revealed itself to me. I was actually acting pretty juvenile during the chat. I was feeling punchy and frustrated. I knew why I felt that way, but also, I didn’t. To make matters worse, I also felt like I had no control over the way certain points or elements were crawling under my skin and making me itch like mad.
I was laying in bed after listening to music and the song I referenced above came on. And then, lightbulb moment. Major awakening. Major.
I’ve been grappling lately with the true and everlasting implications of the relationships I’ve had in my life. I don’t mean the dramatic and at times humorous stories. I mean what they did to my heart and soul. I mean what they did to my perception of relationships and connection and trust. I realized quite recently that I’m not sure I’ll ever get back to where I was or where I might have seen myself.
I’m not sharing this as a way to garner sympathy or to stir up a big ol’ pot of judgment. I’m just sharing my state of mind and realizations for context. The bottom line is that I’m exploring who I am and what I have been and what I want and what I need and where I want to go with all of that.
So, now you have a picture, right? I’m sorting out what’s going to be with my life and then I have this conversation with a friend and BOOM. I don’t want to break any confidences at all, but I can tell you that my frustration with this friend was a notion that romantic relationships enhance our lives in the way nothing else can. I don’t dispute that romantic relationships bring a modicum of joy, or can. However, in my case, it must be understood that they destroyed me. Nearly every time. Over and over and over again.
Yeah. So, the mere concept that my life is less than without a romantic relationship is pretty terrifying. Disappointing. Maddening.
I was trying to be a good friend and listen with an open mind without attaching, but I felt triggered. I felt like her feelings and beliefs and perspective were somehow a challenge to where I’ve landed. I felt oddly and perceptively diminished and well, foolish. But, why? Well, because I’m just getting my footing in this domain. I’m just now through the fog of it all where I can look back and truly understand what the fuck happened and what my role was in all of it.
I lost me. I gave over and gave in and then, I gave up. I want to tell you that I wouldn’t do it the same way this time, but I’m not sure. I might. I could. I don’t want to, but I could never have imagined doing it in the first place. That’s not me. I would never. I did though. 100%. I was so lost. Then I was wrecked and then, I found myself. Gently. With great trepidation. But still, me.
I have people. Some have stayed and some have gone and some are leaving now, but in the end, I still have this circle. This resilient and beautiful circle. I am so grateful for and humbled by that circle.
But you know what I am also grateful for this year? Me. I’m grateful that I’ve done the work. I’m grateful that the real me is still inside of me, waiting to be discovered, in slow and purposeful stages. I’m grateful that I can be honest about who I am and what I’m capable of. I’m grateful that I can accept my flaws and celebrate my good qualities and continue to work on myself for every minute of every day of every month of every year that I reside on this earth.
I’m grateful to be able to show up for myself when it really matters and when it’s most difficult and in spite of evidence of imminent failure or harm. I’m grateful to know that there’s always a possibility of darkness, but there’s a certainty of light. I’m grateful to spend as much time as I need, searching for all my pieces, and methodically putting them back together. Smoothing the seams. Matching the edges. Watching the picture bloom.
I’m thankful that I’m able to share, sometimes more and sometimes less, but always when I want to.
I’m grateful for each of you and your champions, inside and out.
Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate and a good day or two (million) of gratitude if you don’t.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 