“Let’s play a game. Two truths and a lie. Number 1-You have control over the things that matter in your life. Number 2- The world is generally a forgiving place. Number 3- No matter what, in the end, the truth will set you free.
The answer: I cheated, because they are all lies. The real truth is there’s no such thing as truth. There’s what you believe, what I perceive, and what history remembers.”
I was watching the reboot of Gossip Girl the other night (yes, fuck off, it’s my guilty pleasure- what of it?!) and I rewound seven times to hear that quote in its entirety. I can’t think of any sentiment that’s resonated more with me lately.
I was chatting with mama dukes this morning on a stroll and I told her that I was coming to realize that I was the common denominator in my friendship woes, so it is clear that I am the problem. She’s not one to excuse me from holding myself accountable, but she offered a different perspective. She asked me if there was a possibility that I am inviting relationships that test me or challenge me. In other words, there was no “fault” on any side, but rather, a mismatch, and I’m cultivating those relationships despite their ill-fitting nature. I’m willing to explore that theory because at the end of the day, it doesn’t remove any responsibility on my end.
Did you read that? Let me say it again, and slower this time. I can see where I am falling down on the job and work to correct my behavior while still acknowledging that it’s not all me. Also, it’s not all the other person. Sometimes shit just doesn’t fit. Sometimes things break down. Sometimes things need space. Sometimes things need time.
I’ve now introduced two separate concepts and you might be wondering how they fit together. Or maybe not. That might just be wishful thinking of my part.
Well, let’s break it down, as we often do.
Number 1- You have control over the things that matter in your life.
We’ve explored this concept before, but perhaps not in this way. Or maybe exactly this way but it’s my space, so I’ll do what I want to do (nanny, nanny). I don’t think this is a lie but it’s definitely not the full truth. I don’t think we have control over the things that matter in our lives. I do think that we can control how we respond and react to them.
I can’t stop friendships from breaking down for a variety of reasons. I can explore what I am doing or what I did to help contribute to the unraveling, and I can also decide how I’m going to handle “the end”. It’s a glorious thing really. I think the reason we feel so bereft, or so joyful [for that matter], is because we convince ourselves that everything is under our control. If we have control over things and shit falls apart, we naturally blame ourselves. It’s a natural conclusion.
The reason I am careful to call this a half truth is because if we step away from the notion that we have any control at all, we cease being mindful of our behavior. We relinquish ourselves from any connectivity. We kiss everything up to a higher power and fly by the seat of our pants at all time.
A friendship of mine, a dear one, has been breaking down as of late. I’m frustrated but more than that, I’m sad. I keep trying to talk my way in or out of things, and all the talking in the world is not yielding a meaningful or positive result.
This friend brought up a very good point in our most recent exchange. She told me that she can’t control how I feel about the things that she says and vice versa. Extremely on point. I agree. Wholeheartedly. Despite our best intentions, we can’t always curate how someone feels about the things we say and do.
I think where we went down different paths was the secondary notion or idea that intention does not play a role in the exchange. Actually, let me rephrase that sentiment a bit. I do think that intention is incredibly meaningful, as does my friend. I think the knowledge of who someone is should play into the interpretation. We might feel slighted or challenged by how someone is coming across, but that’s where I think we should take a beat and consider who someone is and what our relationship means. That doesn’t mean we aren’t entitled to feel hurt or put off. It simply means we might give someone the benefit of the doubt. That’s all. Sometimes that changes nothing, but sometimes, it changes everything.
Anyway, that has been most of my frustration. I have been working so hard to get us on the same page. I want us to understand each other. I want to be compassionate and open minded and kind, but I also really want to be heard. I dislike intensely the notion that we cannot get to even ground with each other. I can’t even say that ‘agree to disagree’ would be a useful tactic here.
I can’t. In fact, it’s the opposite. I have to admit that I can’t control how things have settled. I can push and tug and fight and beg and plead and breathe, but I can’t fix everything. I can’t control everything. I can change how I approach someone or something but I can’t control that no matter what I change, I might still always fall short of what someone needs from me. I have to be able to accept that maybe I’m just not a good fit for another human.
That’s really hard for me. Mostly it’s challenging because honestly, it makes me feel like a shitty human and a failure. Also, just the sadness of feeling like I might be moving away from someone, even temporarily. Also, I just feel like everything between humans should be innately fixable. I know, that sounds dramatic and broad, but it’s true.
I am going to continue to explore my behavior and how I impact this friend and others, but also, I have to accept that sometimes there’s something bigger going on and no matter how much it hurts and stinks, I can’t do a damn thing about it.
X
L.
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