The Comfort Zone.

I’m going to go off topic for a moment. Well, except that it’s not. Not really. Everything ties together here.

Anyway, let’s start with a question. Ready? Go….

When was the last time you left your comfort zone and how did you grow? 

I work in a land of people pleasers. The phrase ‘it takes a village’ comes to mind, but more in the ‘it takes a village of people kissing each other’s asses on a regular basis. We’ve been through this before, but I’m a terrible people pleaser. I lack the impetus, the skill set, and when the motivation actually blows my way (rarely), the follow-through. Meaning, I try to put my best brown-nosing foot forward and then miraculously trip over my own feet. 

There are so many reasons why I abhor people pleasing. Mostly, I think it’s that I am generally repulsed by fakeness. I’m a keep it real kind of gal. I also get caught up in my own spiciness. I read an email or a text or process the words coming out of someone’s mouth, and I react too quickly to allow the pouring of sugar on top. I go out with straight vinegar.  

Anyway, let’s get to the real tea, shall we?  

I received an email from someone at work that was, well, distasteful. It was rude and disrespectful and wildly off-base, particularly in the context of the bigger picture situation. I felt perturbed. Rankled. I had an instantaneous and bold desire for destruction. I wanted to go back to this person with fiery venom. I wanted to level them. I wanted them to regret their disrespect and lack of professionalism. I wanted to do all the things.  

I thought, as I usually do, that trying to make nice would just make me appear weak. I would only further exacerbate the lack of esteem that this individual surely felt for me and my team. I didn’t want to appear easy to push around or over, but also, I didn’t exactly desire stoking a flame that greatly needed extinguishing.  

The thing is my comfort zone hasn’t always been something I’m aware of. How do I describe this appropriately? Well, it’s like putting someone in the center of a massive room and telling them to stay inside the box. They, logically, inquire as to whether the box is the room or something else. There is no response. Thus, the person stands in the center of the room, unmoving. Best to not go anywhere, rather than risk tripping some imaginary boundary line. Right? 

I don’t always know the exact place where my comfort ends, and the discomfort begins. So, in my case, I just resort to what feels best or even okay in the moment, which is the social equivalent of standing in the center of that giant room, unmoving. Seemingly unproductive. 

I guess where I’m going with this, is how do you know your comfort zone if you don’t KNOW your comfort zone? Sure, you feel uncomfortable, but what got you there? Can you pinpoint the exact tipping point, or do you have to draw big circles and live in that arena of ambiguity? 

I’m going to take us back to that giant room. What if you couldn’t see the box, but every time you took a step outside the box, a buzzer sounded? Incredibly annoying, but effective, no? No lines would magically appear, save the lines you begin to draw in your head based on the feedback you are receiving. You know where I’m going with this, right? Trial and error. You have to fuck up and hear that buzzer over and over again before you see a dotted line around you, glowing like magic.  

I guess what I’m saying is sometimes we have clear cut boundaries where we are absolutely certain of where we stand, and then other times, it’s a crap shoot. Murky. And worse than that, we have to feel around in the dark to gain any kind of meaningful clarity. It’s scary and there’s a ton of uncertainty and even more guess work, but it’s the only way to get to light.

This seems like a perfect time to get back to my earlier example/story. I feel pissed off. Like really disgruntled. I’m trying to find a way to communicate my dissatisfaction without ruffling the wrong feathers or hurting myself in the process. Even though the sentiment sort of pisses me off, I do recognize that keeping the peace is the road to a better working environment down the road. However, as we’ve established, I’m not always warm and fuzzy.

So, what?

Well, this is where I have to play bumper cars with my boundaries. This is where I have to bump up against my carefully constructed barriers to gather a full understanding as to how strong they are and if they are necessary and how far I can move them without compromising my fundamental beliefs or sense of self. This is a messy and uncomfortable exercise, but it’s a necessary one.

I have to discover how close to people pleasing I can get before I feel as though I’ve compromised my integrity and moral constructs. I have to acknowledge that the alternative, rage responding, is counterproductive and totally self-destructive. I have to be willing to accept that I can change and that change doesn’t have to be a forever thing or an ‘apply to everything’ thing, but rather, it can be situational and applied with care and thought.

I have to ask myself questions like whether I am truly operating way outside my comfort zone or whether I am resisting because of fear or some misplaced principle. I have to analyze whether my comfort zone still serves me or whether it’s simply a cudgel against any kind of vulnerability or change. I mean, I don’t HAVE to do anything, except the things I’d need to do if I really want to fundamentally move the needle.

Sometimes we’ll explore those boundaries and it will feel like total shit. Disarming, disappointing, and unnecessarily harmful. Guess what? That’s still a lesson. You’ve still opened yourself up to the world to at least “try it once”. Better once than never, right?

Maybe.

Xo

L.