Disclaimer: I started this post at the end of last week but then lost my mojo. That made me a little sad in itself. I still have all these ideas swirling around my head and feelings bumping around in my heart, but I don’t have a ton of time to translate all of that onto paper. I’m forcing myself now though, because it always makes me feel better and maybe it will do the same for you?
I have a fortune cookie message taped to my monitor at work. It reads as follows: “There are no bad days; some are just better than others”. I suppose that I believe this and also, this sentiment makes me irate. I taped it up to keep me grounded and to inspire perspective, but instead, it feels ironic in the worst way possible. I feel very frustrated because I’ve had some real shit days. Haven’t we all?
So, I’m comfortable with the notion that there are bad days. I can cast off that part of the so-called fortune and live with my grumpy ass self and darker view on the world. It’s fine. We all have bad days. As for the second part, that actually helps with managing the bad days. Right? It works for me.
I am having a total garbage pail kind of day and I feel despondent. Hopeless. Sad. Frantic. And then, I think of how I’ve had it worse. I count my blessings. It doesn’t take away all the negative feelings I may have, but it definitely makes things feel a bit more bearable.
Why am I talking about this right now? Well, candidly, I’ve had a shit week. Plus, the world feels like it’s swirling down a toilet lately. I’m clinging to the notion that there is some tactic, some method, some trick, that will make all of this feel better.
People are just incredibly unkind (in a very general sort of way) and selfish, the planet is revolting (don’t come at me on climate change- get a clue), and on a very personal level, the grind feels more grinding than usual.
I was speaking with an old friend and work contact today and she was telling me that she feels like she can’t keep up ”this” pace for too much longer. She said that it feels endless and overwhelming and she often finds herself questioning her choice to stay in the rat race. I get it. I do. It’s mindboggling what is expected and there’s little to no recognition or understanding or any of the above.
She mentioned that she hated that other people feel the way she does, but also, finds it comforting. She asked me if that’s my experience as well. I hesitated before answering. As we’ve already well established, I’m not a people pleaser. And yet, I was afraid to speak my total truth, without caveats or disclaimers or a softening, if you will. Mostly because I know she’s struggling right now and I wanted her to feel heard and comforted, not alienated.
No. That doesn’t make me feel better. Knowing that I’ve had shittier days makes tough days a little more bearable. Knowing that there are many others, including some folks I really care about, suffering, gives me zero joy or solace. If anything, it makes things feel more dire. If we are all in the same sinking ship, who will save us? If the ship feels like it’s sinking but that half-sunk status is actually status quo, then what is the impetus to shift anything?
So needless to say, I’m not in the cheeriest of moods all around. I’m having trouble reading a fortune cookie and absorbing its message in a way that’s normal. Instead, I find myself feeling a little bent about it. I want better and happier and hopeful. I want to look at a chart and see that we are trending in the right direction or at least see signs of improvement.
Right about now, you might be wondering what the fuck I was talking about earlier when I claimed I had a desire to make myself and you feel better. Is THIS it? My ramblings about the crap state of the world are intended to lighten the mood? No. But also, yes. We need to get this stuff out. It’s a poison, one that festers and causes severe damage. Expelling this danger gives us the opportunity to calm down and gain perspective. This is very necessary. We can’t keep these things bottled inside of us. We have to be able to expunge, expel, release.
What happens after that though? Well, this is where that fortune cookie comes in handy. Once we’ve had a chance to full on wring our hands over the shit state of the world, we can take a beat for perspective.
What does that look like?
Well, New York is shutting down again, but the people I love are employed and safe and healthy. Work is a shit show, but I’m gainfully employed and I have the skill set to manage all of it. People are being terrible to each other but also, people are being wonderful to each other. Climate change is a real thing, but for each naysayer, there is a brilliant human trying to figure out what we can do to turn a corner. I don’t live in la la land. I’m not naïve and I am certainly not blissfully ignorant. I’m not even particularly optimistic. I guess I’m just making a choice.
I’m trying. That’s a better description. I’m really trying to live by the fortune cookie wisdom. When things feel shitty, adopt a pervasive notion that better days are ahead. Not magically better, just a little better. A teeny bit better. Sometimes it’s just a mental shift, and that’s enough.
That’s right. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to see things differently, to approach the world differently. It’s so fucking hard, especially during times like this, but the alternative is gloom.
Where am I going with this? Well, I choose joy. Or less gloom. Or something squarely in the middle. You?
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