“Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame…
Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe”
Breathe Me, Sia.
I promise that I’m going to make my way back to the party that I started last week. Just not right now. Not at this moment. There are all these words fumbling around in my brain and I have to get them out. No surprise, they don’t have anything to do with that cliffhanger, and so, I’m kicking off a new thread.
I heard this song somewhere and downloaded it and then listened to it like 40 times in a row. The lyrics that I’ve shared above are a bit disjointed because there is a chorus in the middle of them, but honestly, that doesn’t matter. The words I’m sharing are those that resonated with me. Those are the ones that stuck in my head and wouldn’t go anywhere until I promised to release them onto paper. And so, I did. I am.
I was speaking with a friend recently about the concept of accountability. I talk about that here a lot, we know that. I talk about how profound the concept is; owning one’s behavior and the consequences of such. I am extraordinarily guilty of shifting blame or ownership outside myself. I am. Look, there, that’s the bad guy. He did ____ and I felt ______ and then I did ______ and now everything sucks. We all do that to some extent, right? It’s the way of the world. It’s what we are doing on a global scale right now, aren’t we? Looking for someone to blame for the mess and staying stuck in the mire of blame?
Anyway, as skilled as I am in pointing a finger, I am equally skilled as massacring myself. It’s as if I’m wearing silk socks on a newly varnished floor and tell myself I’m going to stop at the mid-point. Ha. There’s no stopping. I’m clearly going to glide from one end to the other with barely a sweat broken. Sure, he did ______, but clearly, I deserved it because I am _______ and that’s why ______ happened and now everything sucks.
I’ve worked awfully hard to crawl myself to the center but I still find myself shifting more egregiously to one side at any given time. I usually err on the side of self-blame. In that way, it’s a tough cycle for me to break.
And so, I found myself doing some soul searching recently. Does accountability have to be a wholly negative, downward spiral? Does owning your shit have to lead to a terrible view of self and endless self-flagellation?
No. Not even close.
I’ve talked about grief here before. Many, many times. I’ve experienced so many forms of grief so I feel qualified in speaking about them. I don’t profess to be an expert, but I know enough to share my experiences with you. Grieving is a critical process in human growth and healing. Without permission to feel all the feels, we often stay stuck. We cycle in a way that is unhelpful and even damaging. Pushing down our feelings in a quest for avoidance has never ever produced anything positive. Truly. It might feel good in a moment, but then, BAM, when you least expect it, game over. Tears, rage, despondency.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, on some level, when we make a mistake, when we hurt ourselves or hurt others, we have to engage in a grieving process that ends in forgiveness and lessons learned. Well, no one has to do anything, but I strongly recommend it. Strongly.
I have, as of late, been looking at some of my relationships and interactions and feeling incredibly frustrated. In some desperate attempt to return to status quo, I’ve ended up in a place that doesn’t feel good. And then, the self-deprecation begins. Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I be less bothered? Why am I so damn sensitive? Why, why, why?!
Except this time, I did something a little different. I grieved my stumble. I did. I said, oops, I fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for me and I’m sorry for anyone else it impacted. I encouraged myself to do better. I allowed time to lick my wounds and consider everything in a very big picture way.
The lyrics speak to feeling unsafe and lost. I’ve been there. Whenever I trip, I feel like I’ll never right the ship in the way I need to. It feels hopeless. I’ll never get it right. I’ll always end up back here. I don’t trust myself and missing that trust, makes everything feel unstable.
I took an exercise class recently and the teacher advised that there’s a trick in martial arts whereas you press your tongue to the roof of your mouth to encourage steadiness and stability. This sounded insane, but then I tried it and it worked! I read several articles that tried to explain the phenomena and honestly, was a bit mystified after all my research. So, I gave myself a paradigm. It creates a focal point. A centering. Your energy moves to that endeavor, and thus, your destabilizing forces are distracted. That is NOT a scientific definition by any stretch. Rather, it’s my interpretation.
I’m suggesting the same approach to fuck ups or missteps. Find a centering force. Find a strategy. When I say centering force, I mean a way to get yourself closer to center. Less blame, more action and possibility. Eyes wide open, but heart too.
Okay, cool, so how do we stick our tongues to the roofs of our mouths metaphorically? Well, we focus on what we did right, what we want to learn, and where we want to get to. Not pie in the sky bullshit, but a quick heart and brain scan to sort out next steps. Strip out the extra self-criticism and mind fuckery and get to the bare bones. You are human. We fuck up. Things happen. Don’t stay stuck in self-doubt and nonsense. Rise above it. Give yourself a beat to regroup and then do so.
Ready? Here is the chorus I failed to share above:
“Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me”
The trick? Sing this to yourself. Recite this to yourself. Live this for yourself. This is the perfect time in history to learn self-preservation and lifting yourself up and figuring shit out. Also, knowing your thresholds and needs and sorting out your responses in a way that is meaningful and reasonable.
No pressure.
Talk soon.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 