Hiya. It’s the last week of the year. Isn’t that fucking wild? I can barely believe it or stand it. Every year I talk about how fast it went and then bam, here we are again. I’m trying incredibly hard to be grateful right now, but I’m feeling pretty angsty and frustrated about everything. I keep seeing memes whereas people are celebrating the end of another fucked up year, but the zero at the end of 2020 has been scribbled out and replaced with a one. I find this funny and also, horrifically depressing.
It’s not COVID. I mean, it is, but also, it isn’t. The fact that we have a virus that we still can’t get a handle on is beyond my scientific reasoning, but generally speaking, that’s how this shit works. It’s the same reason that they have to modify the flu vaccine every year. It’s trial and error. It’s getting your arms around something that is forever changing and morphing and reshaping. Everyone is doing the best they can.
Right?
Well, not everyone. Some people are doing the best they can and then others have decided, out of ignorance or fatigue or some other indescribably ridiculous thing, that they are tired of doing their best. Now, they are going to give something that falls incredibly short of best.
That’s right. I’m being judgmental. I can’t help it. Or, maybe I can, but I don’t have the desire to. At all. I’m sick of seeing the selfishness and insanity. I cannot fucking fathom how seeing people sick and dying does not move people to action. I’m amazed that businesses halting and the world tilting OFF its axis (generally speaking) does not rouse people into overall positive action. It doesn’t though and that boggles the mind.
Maybe it’s because as humans we are conditioned to cling to best case scenario. So, when we see the worst of this, it’s blotted out by the better than worst? Like the people who have a cough for a week or nothing really at all but just spend a lot of time bitching how they are stuck in their warm houses with food on their tables?
I’m not perfect. I’m as far from perfect as they come. I’ve definitely acted spoiled and wretched many times during my 41 years on this planet, and most certainly in the last few years. I’m fucking pissed off. I’m salty that I can’t travel or see friends normally. I’m even sometimes jealous of those who throw caution to the wind and are doing everything in spite of the crumbling world. But then, I worry about my loved ones and the state of the world and quickly get myself back to as right as I can be under the circumstances. But yes, I bitch and moan too. I’m over it. And perhaps I’m lucky, because I have the resolve to press pause, even when I’m pissed off. I’m not tempted to the point where I do something where I’m not wholly comfortable.
I’m not a moron. I know that things are really hard and I’m aware that we are all human, but for some insane reason, I wake up every day hoping for change. I want people to start caring about each other and stop focusing on minutia. I want people to understand that in this country, we have very little understanding of what true authoritarian (governmental) control is really like. We are so blessed. We can do a variety of really ugly shit and nothing happens to us. Maybe there are a few friends lost on social media, but outside of that, nada. That’s incredible.
By this point, you might be wondering if this is just going to be a post about me bitching about everything under the sun. It’s not. I promise. I suppose I’m just setting the stage. I want you to understand where I’m coming from in a real way. I’m sort of pissed off and very, very sad. Those emotions are tied up with a bow colored with something akin to disappointment.
Cool, I’m bummed. Happy end of 2021. Aren’t we all? Well, yes, but also, no. I have a deep-seated desire to pull myself out of this slump. I know that I can’t change anything in the world right now. I can engage in activities that feed my soul, I can do everything in my power to keep myself and my loved ones healthy and happy, I can see the best in what surrounds me. That’s all I got.
That’s a lovely little paragraph I just shared, but I’m not really sure how realistic it is, or how easy, for that matter. Even with the best of intentions, things go to shit. If we haven’t learned that by now, I think we have been living under a rock.
So, where to begin? How does one kickstart in a way that feels authentic and like something that might actually even stick? That part is really important to me; the truth of something and the ability to endure. That doesn’t mean I don’t move backwards on occasion. I mean, we all do. It just means that we have a better chance of nearly always moving forwards (even if by inchworm standards). Realistically, if we don’t do something that we really believe in (aka faking it until we make it) or if we throw ourselves into something that is not sustainable, the chances of success are pretty slim.
I have laid out a number of words on this page, but what do they really mean? Well, I truly think there is a path forward, but there has to be some deliberateness. There has to be some semblance of a plan and a good deal of commitment and a whole heaping pot of resolve and more than a sprinkling of patience. It all has to be there. All of it. If not, there is little chance of making shit happen in a real way.
You all know by now that I don’t believe in resolutions, so understand that’s not what this is, at all. This is an internal promise to shift. To try something new, in spite of a very, very weird world (weirder than ever).
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