MYOB.

Were you wondering where I was going with all of this? Maybe not. Either way, I’m obviously going to tell you. That’s what we are here for, generally speaking.

I think most of us are uncomfortable breaking free from what is considered to be the norm. Even when we don’t fully understand the norm, or how we fit into it, we definitely understand when and how we do not. It is profoundly obvious when we are teetering on the outskirts of anything.

The world has been trying to send powerful messages in the last few years, supporting a departure from the norm and yet, the pervasive messaging is conform or perish. I know that sounds dramatic, but there’s a reality there that needs to be faced. We need to own the pressure that is put on all of us to be something, to do something.

I want to give an example and it’s a pretty typical one (aka boring), but since I know it is a shared experience for so many, it feels useful to explore. I’ve actually delved into this a little before, but it’s really been resonating with me lately and so, it bears mentioning.

When I catch up with someone I haven’t spoke to in some time, the dialogue is pretty much the same. They ask how I am in a very vague and general sense and then, they ask if I’m dating. Sometimes they sneak in something about work, but usually, the dating business is front and center.

In the moment, I don’t really feel bothered. I provide a brief, nondescript, barely understandable update, and move on. It’s later when the question starts to tickle me in all the wrong ways. I feel pissy about it. On one hand, this is a perfectly acceptable question when one hasn’t seen someone in a while. How’s life and who are you connected to? On the other hand, it makes me feel like there is a lot riding on that answer. I get the sense that if I pushed back and elected not to answer or decided to answer in a very forthright fashion, things wouldn’t go well for me.

What does that look like? Well, it looks like where I explain that dating isn’t a major priority for me, or even a minor one. It looks like me getting a little salty and describing all the ways in which dating has nearly ruined my life in the past and how little I desire to travel down that path right now (or maybe ever). It looks like me having a moment whereas I contemplate any inadequacy on my part because I don’t have a partner. This is not because I feel less than, but because there is an overwhelming thought that this is what the world believes in a very collective, group-think fashion.

The real problem is when I say how I am feeling or share what I am thinking, it becomes a statement. A choice made in the hopes of drawing a line in the sand. Making a point. You know what that means, right?

We find it easier to label something to understand it, and we deeply crave understanding things so that we can accept them. It’s even bigger than that, because it’s not strictly about understanding. We arrogantly feel like we need to approve of a thing. It’s not enough to allow someone to just be who they are or live the life they want to live. We need to process their decisions so that we feel better about the wayward rubber stamp.

Sure, you have gone in a different direction, but I’ve gone through the reasoning process and contemplated the potential consequences, and I feel like everything is a-ok. Um, no. And yet, that’s how it works.

I know right about now you might be thinking I’m being dramatic, right? Like I am overreacting. I’m not. I promise. This is reality. You know what it looks like real time?

I tell someone that I’m not really dating or that I’m dating very casually and I’m not sure that moving into something serious is ever in the cards for me. They immediately respond saying that it makes sense and I should take as much time as I need and so on and so forth. I’ll likely eventually get there. I should have faith. Maybe speak to a therapist. Meditate. Also, they know a website. And a person.

Maybe you are thinking right now that it’s not a big deal. Okay. Imagine the same conversation and response but someone says they are engaged to be married. Instead of saying congrats, I throw out the same so-called supportive verbiage. Sure. That makes sense. But do you think you might need more time? Can you fucking imagine? You’d come across like the rudest human on the planet and yet, the same boundary and qualifications doesn’t seem to exist when it comes to unattached folk. There is a bar that is set that is so fucking high that there ain’t no getting there unless you arrive at it holding hands with your soul mate (read with heavy sarcasm).

I know that I can’t change how someone responds to information that I’m giving them. Right? Well, what if knowing that fact, I changed the way in which I engage? What if I changed the information that I sent their way? What would that change? If I said “thank you so much for asking, but I don’t really like to talk about my dating life”, how would that go over? Well, I’m sure there would be a grouping of folks pissed off. Because you know the deal, everyone feels entitled to everything (or at least information).

But, the rest would be fine. And also, the teed off group would get over themselves and be fine, eventually. Not a big deal. She keeps things close to the vest. All good. Who cares? Sure, there might be speculation and criticism, but it would be minimal. And me? I’d be protected.

I want to be clear that I’m not talking about telling someone that there’s nothing to talk about in that vaguely apologetic fashion. Nope. I’m talking about a good old-school MYOB. Do you have it in you?

I sure do.

X

L.