We talked about how to respond in a way that shuts down an analysis of your life. What I want to talk about now is how you actually make choices to live in a way that’s not the “norm” without feeling badly about it.
I think it’s important to be clear that I am not talking about some default setting. I don’t mean that you’ve been endlessly searching for a partner and coming up short so you find yourself single. Yes, sure, I’d like you to find power in the hand you are dealt, but that’s not the same as what I’m talking about in this exact moment. Right now, I am exploring the idea of making a choice to go in a different direction.
The problem with such a decision is that it’s considered radical. Staying single? You brave rebel. Working mom? Wow. Good for you. Prioritize work over deeply personal goals? Such an impressive choice.
Really though? Is it?
At what point in our evolution as humans will we begin to make space for all different choices? When will we allow people to feel secure in whatever decisions they make without justifying such against some contrived contextual facts?
Don’t misunderstand me, as I think it’s super important to understand why someone got to a decision that they’ve made, but not in the way where I need to get myself to feeling better about their decision. More in the way that doing so breeds acceptance and even (the horror), compassion.
Sometimes I’m afraid that I talk about this too much, but then I look at where we are at right now as a society and I think, man I don’t come even close to talking about this as much as I should. There is so much that needs to be said about this.
We keep expanding and growing and then also, shrinking and staying exactly the same. It kind of boggles my mind, but then, I also feel like that makes perfect sense in the scheme of what we are dealing with, because ultimately, we crave a sort of sameness.
Even when we move in a direction that might be viewed as more alternative, we make sure that others have lain down a path for us to trace along the way. We need to be alike in our uniqueness.
More examples? Well, I can say I don’t want kids and not be a child loathing lunatic. I don’t need to shout about how my life isn’t conducive to children or I’m at an age where it wouldn’t be responsible. None of that needs to happen. I just need to make a simple statement about the life I desire. And yet, that doesn’t seem to be enough. We all have to be a certain character that has already been crafted. There’s no space for a bit of this and a bit of that. It’s all the way or no way at all.
Does that mean that every single time we have to back down? About face? Change our plan? Shift our approach? No. That means that we need to find a way to live in the discomfort. Exist there. Feel confident in our choices enough to stay loyal to them in the face of questioning and disapproval.
I am not sharing these thoughts or encouraging you to do any of this because I think it’s easy. To the contrary. I think that this is all brutally hard. Challenging. Heart wrenching. I just think it’s the only way to recommit to a life that we believe would best serve us.
I have many, many times, felt compelled to provide a sufficient explanation for a choice that I’ve made. I provide background in the hope that it will be sufficient enough to support my decisions, my narrative. It’s not comforting though, it’s anxiety provoking. For one thing, I likely need to tailor my story for my audience, so there is a lot of crafting and tweaking and fine-tuning. Beyond that, even if it’s accepted, that doesn’t really mean anything. I’ve just spun a tale substantive enough to win people over. I am not comfortably owning my choices, but rather, I am expending an awful lot of energy finding a sweet spot of approval.
The problem there is that approval is often fickle. It’s not ever-after once it’s delivered. Rather, it’s accepted in a moment and then, well, anything can happen. What do I mean? Well, let’s go back to the dating business for just a beat. I tell my nearest and dearest that I can’t date because I feel too damaged from the shit that I’ve been through with men and in relationships. I get hugs and high fives and all the support in the world. Then, a few years pass. Out of the woods, right? Nope. Not even close. Then, people are wondering why you are still stuck in the place where you professed to be years earlier.
How can you still be grieving? Still be hurt? Are you one of those obsessive types? Are you still too fixated on what happened to you to process and heal? Okay, we understood why you might have felt that way before, but maybe you just haven’t met the right person and that’s why you find yourself in this spot, right? They might even offer to intervene at this point. They need to right your wayward ship. They need to help you find the right person or need to help you track down the right strategy to get yourself to healed.
And then? What if you explain that you are actually as close to healed as you will likely get and that doesn’t seem to matter? What if you explain that a choice out of necessity became a choice out of anything but that? Will you then receive a positive response or reaction?
There is a minute possibility that the human you are engaging with is emotionally intelligent and secure enough to process what you are saying in a mature fashion. The possibility exists but the margin is slim. It’s not very likely that will happen.
So, more often than not, you have to be prepared for the other side of things. Confoundment. Judgment. Misunderstanding. Frustration. A deep desire to make you see the error of your ways. A fundamental notion that you are lost and that your behavior speaks to such a fall from grace, and you need someone who understands how things should be to get you back on track.
Sigh. We can do better than this, collectively. But again, you can’t change anyone else, so how are YOU going to shift?
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 