I started this with a diatribe on posts about the new year and ended it with another reminder to be yourself, always. Does that feel old to you? Overdone? It’s not. We talk an awful lot about being ourselves. We talk about finding ourselves and our truth and living an authentic life. We even do things that make it appear as though we are moving in that direction. We aren’t though.
Well, some of us are, for sure. Most of us aren’t. How do I know this? Well, I know a lot of liars. I know a lot of pretenders. I know a lot of people that play things bigger than they’d want and smaller and altogether different. I know people who are fake as shit. I mean as plastic as they come. I know people that have a good heart but couldn’t find their way to what works for them if I drew them a map and gave them every single tool known to humans.
I think we spent a lot of time convincing ourselves of things because we’ve been sold a bill of goods that’s an easier way to operate. Don’t rock the boat, don’t make a mess and if you do, clean that shit up quickly. Have as few people as possible notice. Minimize the damage.
So, a lot of these folks who have found their truths, have simply stumbled upon the collective sort of truth floating around and have decided to subscribe to it. I don’t want to get into anything controversial today. I’m too tired and it’s a damn Friday. However, I do think it’s useful to point out that I believe that’s why our society is so unbelievably broken right now. I think much of our societal splintering has everything to do with the fact that people have bought into a paradigm that they may not even fully understand. In order to get there and sign on so resolutely, there needs to be a cultish sort of group think. I believe because I was told to believe and that is the beginning, middle and end. There is no gray, there is no middle ground, and there is absolutely no space for questions. At all.
I don’t always know where I stand and where I want to find myself. That sounds odd, but it’s the truth. I’ve been through some things that have fundamentally shaped my goals and dreams and desires. But, I’m getting really comfortable with not knowing completely and moving forward anyway. I’ve grown more at ease with the idea that in any given situation, I can block out the noise and find my way to what feels okay for ME.
It’s really tough because sometimes I am at a loss for how to navigate and what to share and who to trust. I shared something with someone I’m close with recently and their reaction really threw me for a loop. It was challenging rather than supportive. Instead of seeing the situation for what it was (an opportunity to share with someone dear to me why I feel the way I do, or a chance to peacefully just move through our differing views), I felt almost combative.
That’s a strong word and yet, it’s pretty appropriate. I felt a vicious need to defend my position and behavior. It was more than just providing an explanation I am comfortable with though. I wanted to make sure that the individual challenging my feelings understood them sufficiently to back off or about face. Ugh. That’s super duper aggressive and not at all necessary. I see that now, but I had some difficulty seeing that in the moment. I was filled with ego and embarrassment. I didn’t want to feel like I had to explain myself. I didn’t want to feel misunderstood. I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want to be difficult. And, above all, I really, really didn’t want to be different.
Ew. That sounded kind of gross in my head and it looks worse on paper. And yet, it’s true. I wanted to have the same exact reaction as the person I was speaking with about this particular issue. Not possible though, because that’s not how I’m built. I’m complicated and messy and sensitive and opinionated. Those traits aren’t a one size fits all for every situation I run into either. Not even close. They present in a variety of ways depending on what I’m facing and who is on the other side. Which means, if I am trying to “be like the rest” for any great length of time, the amount of energy I will need to reserve for just that endeavor will be staggering.
And given that the energy we have is somewhat finite, I want that energy for other things. Like being creative and being kind and exploring and all the other things in between.
I want you to know that I understand. I understand what it’s like to say something or utter an expression that entirely represents who you are, only to worry that it’s not enough. It’s one thing to say that you don’t care how others react or respond and it’s an entirely different animal to really feel that way, deep down where it counts.
You might come out that way at first, strong and resilient. And then, you start to waffle. You get scared. You backtrack. You try and make nice. You try and do what you can to blend. In the moment this turnaround feels good. It feels better. You felt anxious and now you are starting to feel better about everything. It doesn’t last though. You’ll ingratiate yourself to that other person and things will feel smoothed over.
However, you will start to feel that tug in your belly. That little spark that tells you that you are diverging from your true self. You are walking so far away from that human that you can barely recognize yourself. You’ve strayed so significantly that you cannot imagine how you are going to find your way back.
So, maybe you tell yourself that’s fine. You don’t need to go or look back. You’ve found a new way to move forward and it feels better because it’s “easier”. I get it. I do. But you can’t do that. Not because you aren’t allowed to change. Nope. Just because you’ve artificially changed to suit a moveable force and that means (drum roll…) that you will be changing all the damn time. You will be a spinning top. Does that still appeal?
I didn’t think so.
I never said it was easy. This is it though. Let’s kick this year off right, shall we?
X
L.
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