I welcomed us all into the new year last week. Kind of me, no? Ha. I know. And the week before I engaged in a sort of reliable and tedious count down to the new year, delving into some widely held misconceptions that harm us. I also engaged in the exploration of some really important shit I learned about myself. Also, I left us with some hope. Some really good stuff that happened over the year.
What I didn’t really do, not really, was entertain a serious practice of self-reflection. Outside of a bulleted list of lessons, I didn’t really break them down in ways that would help me grow as a human. So, here we go…
The first questions we are going to answer are as follows: What are the top three things I learned? How can I apply these lessons to my life moving forward? I know, you are thinking that this is a trite and well-worn exercise. You may be right but also, I feel like I need it right now, so I’m going to do it. No one said you had to, ever. I don’t think it’ll hurt you though. Just saying.
For the sake of solidarity and keeping with my whole commitment to authenticity, I’m going to pull three things from the list I created last year. Hilarious, I know. It was, after all, just a few days ago.
Three things I learned in 2021:• Expecting most people to be selfish isn’t depressing, it’s self-preservation• I acknowledge that my deep sensitivity is difficult for others, and also understand that I’m not capable of or interested in changing that (it’s who I am)• Our grandness comes from within and when it’s tied to outside of us, the possibility of being diminished is ever-present in a way that is utterly destructive.
I think we should discuss those a little bit and then move onto how I would apply those lessons to my life going forward.
I’ve spoken before about trying to step out of the process of examining the ‘why’ behind others’ behavior. It’s a very counterproductive exercise. First of all, if someone is telling you why they did something or why they continue to do that thing, it’s only true part of the time. Or more appropriately, I could tell you that what they are representing, well, it’s only partially true. I’m not saying that all humans are inherently evil. It’s not that they don’t mean well. It’s just that people often want to be liked or at least want to be liked by one person, and thus, they are likely to say what they think that other person wants to hear. That means they are likely leaving out the good bits. The true parts. The real shit.
If you are outright guessing, it’s highly likely that you are missing the mark. No matter what you are reading off another human, no matter how well you think you know them, we can’t ever really know what’s going on inside of someone else. Anyway, we tend to err on the side of super positive or insanely negative. We don’t usually find ourselves down the middle.
Are you wondering how I am going to connect this to an assumption of selfishness? Well, I find that the best assumption we can make, if we have to do so, is admitting that whatever someone’s reason, it likely whatever best benefits them. We can’t really fault someone for this, right? I mean, if you aren’t going to look out for yourself, who is going to, amiright? It’s more than that though. Their desire to do the best thing by themselves will typically not take into account who is helped or harmed in that process. If you aren’t paying attention, you can quickly become collateral damage.
This does not mean all people are evil. Far from it. It just means that most people do for them and then worry about the fall out at a much later date.
Onto the next. My fragility. Sorry, I had to. I’m not fragile. Well, I can be, but generally speaking, I’m not. I am deeply sensitive though. I feel things deeply. I feel people’s embarrassment and unkindness and betrayal and sadness and lies. I am often wounded in situations where I ought not to be, for the singular reason that I am the only one hurting. I know this is hard for many, not because they struggle with how to navigate around my sensitivity or in the face of such, but more so, because they are pissed off about and deeply desire me changing.
In some truly mysterious alternative universe, they see me handling things better or not being quite so hurt by selfishness (see above) if I could only flip a switch and be a different human. I can’t be. I don’t want to be.
The last lesson, our sense of self in the world comes from within us. We tend to fasten ourselves to others’ perception of us and then, we tend to shine and unravel based on how those observations ebb and flow. When we are able to disconnect from that notion, it doesn’t mean that we never feel shitty. It simply means that we’ve taken ownership, one way or another. How ever we interact with the world around us and whatever impact that has on our esteem, is ultimately within our control. Sometimes we reject this notion because it gives us less opportunity for self-pity and railing against the world. We like that fallback plan and so, much easier to place our fate in the hands of others.
Fantastic, so where do we go from here? Well, it all connects. You see that, right? Understanding other people. Understanding ourselves. Staying loyal, but not blindly so, to the notion of what and who people are, and accepting that has absolutely nothing to do with us. At all.
For me, well, I plan to enter each and every relationship (platonic and romantic) with honesty about who I am, what I need, what I want, and what I can tolerate. Most people show you exactly who they are if you let them, and I plan to take that in, fully. Not their words, but what’s underneath the words. The blood and flesh and foundation and values. Trust my gut. Allow people to prove me wrong if it’s in the cards. Have hope, but not an abundance of foolishness and naivete. Don’t apologize for who I am. Endeavor to change, but not for others, only in ways that benefit me. Forgive myself for my innate qualities that make life a little more difficult. Surround myself with people who respect who I am and encourage me to the best version or who I am, not who they need me to be.
None of this is easy, but it’s a plan, and I love a good plan.
x
L.
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