Ready for more? I hope so.
What experiences, habits and people brought me the most joy? How can I incorporate more of these into my life?
These questions are a tall order when looking back. A quick glance back doesn’t bring about visions of hope or joy. I’m not miserable, at all, but also, I think the memes speak for themselves. 2021 was touted as a shitty pile of disappointment. After 2020, we were all hopeful for a new year and then, blammo. A giant murky, confusing clusterfuck. Well, maybe not altogether shitty, but there were definitively moments.
When I take the time to sit in a place of gratitude, I see the joy very clearly through the muck. I see the happiness I experienced in so many places.
Unfortunately, sometimes we need to start with the despair and disappointment when we are on the journey to pleasure. You know, basis of comparison and whatnot. So, what I first think about are all the things I missed in 2021. Dining out and the ballet and theater and travel. Social gatherings. Races. Dawdling. Hesitating. Trusting.
And then, all the good shit floats to my consciousness. Front of lobe, if you will. Some meals out, savoring the experience in a way I hadn’t before. Appreciating someone else making me a delicious meal. Oh, and ambiance. All the ambiance. Donating to dance companies and watching virtual performances. Endlessly gazing upon carefully choreographed videos posted on social media by talented young dancers around the globe. Small travel. Little travel. Safe travel. Appreciating the local. Appreciating this country. Appreciating good timing.
Smaller social gatherings. More palatable. More laughs. Timid hugs. Cookies baked with a more substantial helping of love. Setting my own personal best records. “Racing” with my sister on the phone. Enjoying her company. Savoring the mostly quiet. Gentle footsteps on an empty road, save my sis’ bell-like voice in my ears.
Pausing in places where I can. Understanding that life is short and also long, but the pauses don’t change any of that. The waiting. The measured decisions. Not just for safety of body, but mind too. Freedom to protect my own skin and brain and heart.
It’s ironic really, because most of my angst (and a sort of shared, collective grumpiness) comes from a desire to return to normal. Go back to how things were, when they were “better”. I’ve been there. I’ve felt desperately sad that the world is the way that it is. And yet, when I think about it right now, when I consider what I want to retain, it’s all of this. Not the restrictions. Not the limitations. Not the fear. Not the anxiety.
No, not that.
But, yes to the appreciation. Yes, to the desire for something smaller. Yes, to the hope for something different in the future but the patience to wait for it.
Yes, to patience. All the patience in the world.
Speaking of which, I’m going to turn things in a slightly different direction, but only to fully answer the question of how to incorporate those spots of joy into my life going forward. I know, you are probably thinking…that’s easy. Things are hopefully trending in the right direction and so, opportunity for joy will just present itself.
First of all, I think we’ve learned that’s a really foolish assumption to make, right? We go out with unwavering hope and we are likely to get knocked right on our asses. Secondly, that’s not how it works.
Anyway, let’s go back to patience.
I find that patience is in fact a word that is little used and less practiced in the world today. Everyone seems to be seeking instant gratification in this crazy world. People need things to be as we want them to be, as soon as humanly possible. Relationships must fit into a certain box. Jobs must present a certain level of satisfaction and opportunity for advancement and recognition for time served and work accomplished. Exercise and counting calories must make us skinny. Dedication to a great skin care routine must make us look younger. Practicing a craft must make us better. Quickly.
There is no patience. There is no tending. There is no devotion. There is no waiting in a way that is meaningful and practiced. There is no respect for the deeply revered process of anticipation. We need things to be a certain way immediately and when they aren’t, we are disappointed and we work to change them. Onto the next, if you will. This person doesn’t fit into our paradigm on our timeline? Discard them. Look for another. This job doesn’t fulfill all our occupational dreams within the boundaries of our timeline? Quit. An exercise routine and a balanced diet don’t see to be working ASAP? Restrict calories or dabble in another fad diet. Skin care products don’t leave us glowing and line-free within a week? Toss ‘em out and begin again. Not perfect at skeet shooting or piano playing or golf right away? Well, it isn’t meant to be. You tried. Try again with something altogether different.
No. Absolutely not. I mean sure, if that works for you, live your best life. That’s not for me. At all. Not anymore. Maybe there were elements of that woven into my core at some point, but I moved out of them. Not only do I have more patience, with others, with things, with situations, but I have more patience with myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t break down and fuck up and lose patience sometimes. I do, but then I regroup and find my way back to as close to zen as I get.
You know what I don’t have patience for? Impatient people. I don’t. I don’t feel disrespect. I don’t feel loathing. I don’t judge. I just don’t have room in my life for them anymore. If they are present, it’s more on the periphery so they can’t harm me with their need for things. Done. Now.
I fully subscribe to the notion that with patience comes a sweetness that cannot be found in the rushing or forcing. In the patience comes a knowing. An unfurling. A revealing. Patience allows you to see someone or something in a way that is unmatched by a rushed experience.
I am not suggesting that you should wait forever. Absolutely not. I’m also not suggesting that you should hang in there with a situation that doesn’t serve you for the sake of patience. I’m only suggesting that when you throw in the towel because you aren’t getting what you want in the exact moment you want it, you might be missing out on something really spectacular. And when you have the patience and that thing comes to pass or that person opens him or herself to you, it’s pure fucking magic. And when that happens, everything else shines a little brighter.
That’s the damn truth.
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 