Forgiveness? Sure.

What if we defy the suggestion I put forth yesterday and we are utterly impatient? What if we are impatient with ourselves and impatient with others? What if that impatience leads to bad decisions? What if we act impulsively and then, regret that impulsivity?

Time to kick the shit out of ourselves, right? Nah.

That brings me to the next question on this journey.

What do I need to forgive others and myself for?

For everything.

That’s right. You read that correctly. You need to forgive others and yourself for absolutely every damn thing. That doesn’t mean you abdicate yourself or others of responsibility. That just means that beating yourself up forever is truly an exercise in futility. Nothing good comes from that kind of self-loathing and self-punishment. Nothing.

So, what do I need to forgive? Wow. A lot. I did a lot of shit. Other people did a lot of shit.

I forgive friends who didn’t have time or patience for me. I forgive co-workers who took advantage of me. I forgive people who tried to get close to me and did so in a way that would eventually harm me. I forgive the harm that was caused to me because people neglected to abide by my rules and honesty.

I forgive my fear that was sometimes irrational, understanding that it was mostly self-protective and didn’t harm anyone but me.

I forgive my judgment of others because of choices that they made (some of which impacted me), understanding that people do things for so many reasons and I don’t need to understand them, and even if they are shitty, I don’t need to hang onto that.

I forgive my need to move slowly with so many things.

I forgive myself for trusting the wrong people and forgive them for abusing that trust.

I forgive myself for sharing deeply personal stories with those who did not earn it and forgive them for discarding that information as if it is utterly unimportant. The importance of my story is only meaningful to me. Always. Someone else not appreciating that does not diminish my experience or my feelings.

I forgive myself for my uncertainty. Not knowing what I want and moving forward anyway. I forgive myself for my hope, in spite of not knowing. I’m not sure what I want and I’m still allowed to want for more.

I forgive myself for ignoring my gut. I forgive myself for losing the connection to myself that makes me aware I’m abandoning my intuition. I forgive myself for misjudging others and situations and places.

I forgive myself for lamenting the state of the world. I forgive myself for blaming others for that state. I forgive others for anything they did to contribute to the darkness. It serves no purpose to dwell.

I forgive myself for putting me in harm’s way and I forgive those who readily participated in the process.

I forgive myself for overreacting and underreacting and not reacting at all.

I forgive myself for craving quiet and I forgive myself for desperately needing company.

I forgive myself for pushing my body too hard and not listening to my body and not appreciating what my body is capable of and what it sometimes needs the most (rest).

I forgive others for not seeing the world the way that I do and I forgive myself for judging when they can’t understand why I feel the way I do.

I forgive the sun for not coming out some days and I forgive the gloom for showing its face more days than I can count.

I forgive myself for choosing shitty recipes and shitty beauty products and shittier companions.

I forgive myself for talking too much and talking too little and not talking at all.

I forgive people who want more and people who want less and people who want something entirely in between.

I forgive myself for not liking the same books and movies and television shows as others (I will NEVER watch Squid Games) but I also forgive those same people for doing the same.

I forgive myself and others for gullibility and naivete and blind trust.

I forgive myself for loving family but not always liking them.

I forgive myself for wanting no connection at all to people, whether they are family or friends, or something else altogether.

I forgive myself for staying up too late and waking up too early and not having a sleeping pattern at all.

I forgive myself for bad texts I sent and erroneous calls I made and plans I wanted to cancel but didn’t.

I forgive myself for not having a good time when I was supposed to and having a great time when I never thought I would.

I forgive myself for being disappointed when others did shitty things and I generally forgive them for doing shitty things (mostly).

I forgive myself for looking back and looking forward and not generally living in the moment, as I often preach. I forgive others who do exactly the same.

I forgive my deep-seated desire to see the best in people and I forgive people when they don’t live up to my expectations and I forgive myself for not being able to remove expectations altogether.

I forgive myself for not always being able to forgive myself or others. I am forgiving of the process. It is arduous and cumbersome and requires a commitment that I’m not always prepared to make.

That’s just it. I’ve talked about this before, but it’s timely where this post is concerned. We need to choose forgiveness. It might organically happen from time to time, but it’s rare. Hailey’s Comet kind of rare. And so, it’s best that we do the work. The work won’t ever hurt us. It might frustrate us. It might try us. It might take more time and energy than we anticipate. It won’t hurt us. It’s everything else that hurts us. It’s the reluctance to forgive that harms us. It’s our dedication to staying angry that hurts us. It’s our unwillingness to move through our anger and disappointment and sadness that keeps us stuck.

So yeah, I forgive everything. And if I don’t, I’ll get there.

I didn’t say I forgot…

x

L.