This next question is one of the most difficult for me. I don’t know if it’s the ego issue or what, really. It’s complicated, like most challenging bits of self-reflection.
So here it is- What am I proud of myself for?
The easiest part is identifying the thing that I’m generally proud of, but the challenging bit makes the easy part seem not so simple.
I am proud of myself for sorting out what I need (or at least committing to the ever-evolving process of that exploration). I’m proud of myself for staying true to those needs in a wide variety of situations. The challenging part is looking at the times I started to wane and fold. The challenging part is examining all the ways in which remaining loyal to those needs has cost me.
It feels silly to be proud of knowing what I need except that it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Well, not the knowing, so much as the being able to admit it, articulate it, stick to it.
I want to be clear that I’m not talking about what I want. What you want and what you need are two different things. Or at least that’s the truth where I am concerned. In fact, to that end, some of the biggest mistakes I’ve made have been where I’ve convinced myself that what I want is also what I need.
I’ve bent and morphed and reshaped myself in an attempt to mask my needs. What I’ve done is work very, very hard to shift my needs so they better suit what I want. It’s a lot of work but it feels better because that means I can blend. That means I can accept what the universe is handing to me. That means I don’t have to face the parts of me that long and ache and feel sad.
I want to be clear that I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, though that’s certainly part of it. Friendships. Work. Family. All of it.
I think it’s helpful when I give very specific examples.
There is someone who I really want to be friends with for a variety of reasons. We have history. That history involves shared memories and fun experiences and then, there’s familiarity. However, the friendship stopped serving me at some point. All around. I find myself leaning too hard on what we were to avoid looking at what we are, or what we are not.
There is a relationship that I’m pursuing but I can tell that the person has a completely different agenda. I want it to work so I tell myself that the places where we diverge are fine. I tell myself that my gut is betraying me. I tell myself that the things that I want are silly and irrational and unnatural and old-fashioned and impossible.
I have some frustration at work and I know that I need a different interaction and environment to accomplish my eventual goals. Rather than shifting or looking for something new, I convince myself that I won’t get to where I want to be anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
I accept the mismatch because it’s too difficult to give up things “on principle”. Is it just a principle though? That leads to another question that we should explore. Ready?
What limiting beliefs do I want to leave in 2021?
Well, I’m afraid to share that this list is incredibly long. It is. I’m working on shortening it, but sometimes it feels like I’m not really making a dent. Near the top of the list is the belief that I won’t really get what I want and I don’t deserve what I need. This is a doozy. You know why, right? That belief literally supports nearly every other limiting belief. Reinforces. Bolsters.
If you’ve been around here for a while, then you know I don’t have a good deal of tolerance for hokey shit. I’m all for spiritual exploration and emotional growth, but I’m not usually one of the ‘if you think it, it will happen’ kind of gals. I’m not much for manifesting anything. I think that we have to do the work if we want things to change.
However, there is a small exception to that rule, if you could call it that. I think that we have to try incredibly hard to identify and combat limiting beliefs.
Where do limiting beliefs come from? Our basic insecurities. Our life experiences. Feedback from others (genuine and otherwise).
The confusing part about limiting beliefs is that there can be a challenge in separating accountability and awareness from the actual state of mind or beliefs that constitute limiting beliefs. Well, to start, limiting beliefs are those thoughts about ourselves that restrict us in some way. Accountability and awareness grow us. Limiting beliefs hold us back. Accountability and awareness tell us that we can be better, do better. We strive to learn from mistakes we’ve made. We endeavor to plot a new course, one that enhances our life. Limiting beliefs tell us that we aren’t enough, that we can’t do anything, that we aren’t capable.
So, my pride isn’t just about striving for what I need, in spite of rejection or disappointment. My pride is in identifying and tackling my limiting beliefs. My pride is in doing the work to make quieter the voice in my head that tells me I have no right to need the things I need. My pride is in revisiting those limiting beliefs until that voice is so soft that it doesn’t hold me back. Even when I feel sad and even when I want to give up on myself, I don’t.
Alone is not lonely. Lonely is not the end of the world. I’m not about to move into ‘this too shall pass’ territory because that’s a bit much, but you get where I’m going with this. It doesn’t always feel like things will get easier, and sometimes it takes a really fucking long time to lighten up, but even if there’s a bunch of shit that goes wrong, staying true to what you need will always feel better in the long run. That’s not just a line. That’s just the goddamn truth. Spoken by someone who’s given up on herself more times that I can recount.
x
L.
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