Most of the resolutions I see folks committing to involve some form of restraint related to relationships or their body or their relationship with their body. They proclaim with some measure of certainty that they will be better, healthier, smarter, skinnier, fitter, move-loving, less desperate, and so on. There is an endless list of ways to change.
Among other reasons, something that stops me from making resolutions is the notion that most of these items or intentions are utterly removed from the reality of what best serves ME (aka the human who made the list). There’s a total disconnect there. It’s more a wish list than a list of possibilities. It’s more than that actually, it’s a set-up. That sucks. Not the most charming way to put it and still, the truth.
I’m not saying that there is no value in setting goals for oneself. At all. I’ve spent much of the last few years finding new ways to grow and learn and change. I just think that in order to be successful, there needs to be a very serious thread connecting those ideas with the capabilities and true desires of the human.
I think the next question to explore in new year planning is a very ideal place to start. It reads as follows: What simple habits make me feel like my most authentic self?
Perhaps you are wondering how this could be the beginning of meaningful change? Well, we know that a habit is a regular tendency or practice. We know that habits are often difficult for us to give up. Some are nearly impossible.
Resolutions or intentions are essentially a voiced desire for new habits. The problem is that there is typically no measure against established habits. Instead, we seek to eliminate those habits. We somehow think that a commitment to new will erase a desire for old. This is a terrible fucking idea. Sorry, but I don’t think there’s a softer way for me to say this. Terrible. Awful. No good.
It’s not that I think we can’t ever move away from habits that don’t feed and serve us. I do. I just believe it’s a process. A process that requires a certain level of self-awareness and patience. A lot of patience. It is unproductive to force quick change and it’s insane to think that a blatant disregard with work. At all.
So, we start with the question. We start by asking ourselves what makes us feel most like…us. I’m going to walk you through the exercise. I am going to do so with food and then also, with relationships. Ya know, two of the most important things in my life (cue laughter).
Let’s say that I decide I want to incorporate more protein into my diet. The disregard for my authentic self looks like eating sliced turkey for an afternoon snack. I mean, I like turkey, but it’s unlikely that’s going to satisfy me. I like a little sweet. So, the likely situation is that I eat the turkey, but then also, some other random shit that I can get my hands on.
The right move is Google (or ask a professional). I Google high-protein sweet snacks. I acknowledge that I’m not a protein bar person. I buy them and then eat them only because I loathe food waste and not because they feel satisfying in the slightest. Also, I’m grumpy. So, I narrow my search. Birthday cake protein balls? Well, hell to the yes. Sure. I don’t mind putting in some work. I’m good with a recipe. Maybe turkey is a little healthier. Maybe there are better stats. That’s cool. I know what I like and thus, I know that in the long run, I’ll probably be eating protein balls made with peanut butter and sprinkles long after I’ve tossed the turkey.
Relationships next. Right? I was talking to my mother about interactions with others that trigger me. She was asking me how I wanted to respond. I told her that I was best not responding at all. In a perfect world, I would formulate the perfect response. I would carefully and exactly respond in a boss girl way. That’s not who I am though, at all. I am habitually sensitive and mushy and I love way more than I should. So, rather than ignoring who I am and what I’m capable of, I decided that I’m going to structure a work-around. Disengagement. I step back. I pause. I wait.
That decision in itself is difficult for me. It is. The decision to stay quiet is definitely against my nature. Normally I say everything. All the things. And then, regret. Insecurity. Heartache. In a perfect world, I would express myself in a way that combats all of those feelings. I end up on the other side of the spectrum. However, I know that is antithetical to who I am, and that feels ridiculous.
I haven’t given up on the notion that I will find my voice in a way that feels good for me. I just know that I have to get there in time. I have to get there with practice. Perhaps I can speak up a little in a situation where it’s more benign and the relationship doesn’t mean much to me. It will take time for that opportunity to present, but I don’t stress myself with such details. I give myself grace. I take each moment as it comes.
The strange thing about this particular challenge is that I am not asking you to figure out which habits truly serve you. I mean sure, I think it’s valuable to note what might be a self-destructive habit. If something is only hurting you, you might want to consider it leaving it behind as you move forward into the year. But again, that decision-making process does not commence until you’ve first identified the habits. All of them.
I strongly encourage you to catalog these habits on paper. I strongly encourage you to do so without judging yourself. I strongly encourage you to recognize that we make stronger our commitment to habits when we run into challenges in life, oh and, life is filled with challenges. So yeah, our habits are usually pretty ingrained into the fabric of our being.
Get crazy with it too. I mean it. Think big and little and everything in between. It won’t hurt you, no matter what. I promise. You might be a little bummed out at the size of your list or its contents, but then, consider the list in the scheme of a long life. A long life. Do you still feel like shit? Come awn. Do better. Grace.
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