Remember yesterday when we were talking about habits? Is it possible that one of your habits is saying yes? Do you say yes to everything? Or maybe you say no to everything? Are you discerning when you respond to yes or no questions? Do you know the appropriate time to say yes or no? Do you know that yes is a more important response? Perhaps you think no holds greater value?
I can’t tell you what works for you or what makes sense in your world. For me, saying no is about boundaries. Something that many of us sorely lack and desperately need. Sorry, let me be specific here. I have lacked boundaries at many times in my life.
Not in the way you might be thinking though, not at all. I think we should run through a couple of different scenarios that are indicative of or recognizable as shaky or non-existent boundaries and then, we can get to what that looks like for me. We’ll end in a place where I share with you where I want to say ‘no more’. Actually, maybe we’ll end in a place where you’ll explore when you want to say no more.
I want to give you a heads up that this is going to be a two-day affair. That’s right. I think that boundaries and the management of such are impactful enough to take our time.
I don’t think I need to say this, but for the sake of consistency, I want to be clear that I am not coming from a place of judgment when I discuss the various ways in which people violate their own and others’ boundaries. Not even close. Sure, I’ve been hurt by people in situations involving soft or missing boundaries, but still, I understand how devastatingly difficult the task is in managing one’s margins. There are personality considerations and life experiences and everything in between.
Ironically, the first boundaryless human that comes to mind is one that is my polar opposite. I like to affectionately call this human the over-sharer. You know one of these, at least, no? Perhaps you are someone who overshares? Again, I am not standing in judgment. If I am 100% honest without a single caveat, I will tell you that I struggle with this personality and approach to life from time to time.
Why? Well, it feels like there is absolutely no intimacy with a person who is an over-sharer. There is nothing they share with you that they haven’t shared with others. You don’t feel special or like a confidant. They will often ask you if they’ve told you something already, and this doesn’t represent a momentary slip, but rather, an indication that they’ve told many, many others this thing they are trying to recall.
I know a few of these folks and each of them seems to have a different reason for oversharing. There is the issue of wanting to be liked, and the thought that not sharing everything, all the time, will somehow jeopardize their likability. There are people who overshare because they have difficulty making decisions without what is seemingly a consensus of opinion. Everyone must offer a perspective and those thoughts must be aggregated to come to a decision that feels safe and sound. There are many who use oversharing as a way to connect. This is different than straight likeability. They simply don’t know how to create a real and viable connection with another human without revealing everything, as soon as possible.
The funny thing, or maybe not so humorous fact, is that connections forged off manic sharing are not necessarily healthy or long-lasting connections. From the outside, one could peer in and think that the sharing of everything all the time develops an unbreakable bond. Not true. Not exclusively anyway, for so many reasons. First of all, there is a possibility that one factoid or so is held back. It might not even be critical, and yet, when that one thing is revealed, it calls into question the entire relationship unnecessarily, due to the foundation on which the relationship is built (oversharing). Furthermore, the willingness to share everything could actually feel disingenuous to a partner. They appreciate the sharing but then there’s the thought that their partner is sharing everywhere, all the time, so there’s no significance at all.
The next personality? Well, I have fallen into this camp. I have been the human who feels who has let down their guard because ultimately, they don’t feel like they have a voice. I’ve shared this here before, but I’ve lost my sense of independence in relationships where I’ve neglected my true sense of self. I’ve abandoned my sense of self in the most profound way. I didn’t stand up for myself or operate with any sense of confidence whilst engaging with my partner. Put into the simplest terms, there was assuredly a ‘what’s yours is yours’ and ‘what’s mine is yours’ scenario happening. In those situations, I haven’t voiced my own opinion on things or pushed back when I didn’t agree with a course of action.
To be clear, these were not measured decisions whereas I’ve chosen strategic places to share my point of view or opinion. Not at all. These were situations where I shrunk. I made myself smaller to fit more cleanly into the perceived boundaries of my relationship. Or within a friendship. Or in the professional environment. There’s nothing sexy about making yourself invisible. It’s just fear-based hiding. To be precise, though, it’s not often very deliberate, this shrinking. It is reactive. It is self-protective. It’s tragic.
Along the same lines, but with a completely different approach, there are times that we willingly and very deliberately release our boundaries. I’ve been there too. I’ve put up a pretty substantial wall over the years because of all the ways in which I’ve been massacred. I’ve been hurt over and over again and so; I’ve put my guard up to protect myself against future harm. This sounds wonderful and incredibly smart except that eventually, I feel like I have no ability to let anyone in. I’ve built a wall so strong and so high that it’s basically insurmountable. And, people leave. People give up on me. People walk away. People turn away. I tell myself if someone cares enough, they will stick around. I tell myself that I’m worth the investment of time and emotional bandwidth.
Right?
To be continued…
x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 